peace

trying to get used to the emoness..

its not a big deal and I just need to release stress..

hopefully that's all..

struggle between positive and negative

it's not a big deal too..

life still go on

although I haven't decide which side to stand

its March..

and hurray..

thanks god I have been survive for first 2 month..

and headed for the third..

its exam time now

mid term is coming

and I haven't prepare anything yet..

should start my progress as planned but I failed to do so..

gotta catch up le weih..

I dont hope the history to happen again

keep think and think and think again..

thousand thoughts playing in mind

and I learned alot..

hopes it helps

trying to maintain my schedule

and it works

for just sometimes

I am just too lazy..god!!

must be determined enough to go through all this

and the road to success is just half way there

I am proud of myself that I did it..

no more expectation

no more miserable

and no more you in my life

finally i realize no matter how much I did

things wont change too..

and I should let go..

by the way,29th February is a special day

but it was damn so cold as the broke weather last for whole day long

it makes me in heavy mood and I really don't feel like doing anything

stay peace, my mind

everything is gonna be alright

=)

direction

few more days to go and there's March coming...

and the sky recently keep on raining

I do loves rainy days..

sort of sad and depressing feeling

time flew away fast

quarter year gonna passed

and I am still lost and finding my direction around

I've learned not to put too much expectation on things

although I love to do so..

wondering will there be a day

where I could just live without keep thinking what's going to happen the next moment?

imagination of mine is too wide that i would think and expect what i thought to happen

but things ain't all in my control and i hate the feeling when things i expected doesn't exist

I really should come back to reality and face it

I hates when I promised myself that I will change but it goes another way

I hates when I keep on brooking my own rules and live my life meaningless

I hates when find out that I am still the old me

and the expected me my expected plan do not go on

I hates

but nothing I can do

I am really tired of it and I am lack of motivation to go on

there's a sudden passion inside myself the moment I think of the pass

but it just maintain for several certain seconds and the passion gone

when I think of you, I was fully motivated

when I think about how I've been living, I was quite motivated to change it too

but those positive thinking just hold for few seconds

and it has already been replaced by the stronger sense of negative thinking

when I think of my persistence on you for few years endlessly

when I think of the betrayal the untrusted of others

when I think of the society ,the future

for the little moment I don't feel like wanna keep fighting

cause it doesn't make sense for me to fight for as they goes against me

how am I gonna live my life with all these thinking keep playing in my mind

and I keep struggling in between them?

I totally have no idea

but I've tried hard to maintain the missing passion

again and again..

hoping that there's one thing that could motivate me

and made me move forward

to work harder

and to live for a better life

forever

25/02/2012

在這裡的第六個星期...

很努力地去生活

但卻有著有心無力的無奈感

每一次告訴自己熬過今年就好了

一切就會不同了

我是多麼的希望

時間能過得再快一些

我不喜歡等待的感覺

我討厭等待的感覺

可是我每次都得等

等了多久

等了多少年

我依舊在等

很可笑

在我最低落的時候

陪我走過的不是你而是他

在我最難過而想放棄那一刻

他都會適時出現把新的希望帶給我

提醒著我其實還是有人會關心在乎的

家人的關心

他的在乎

都令我好感動

感動是因為我不懂得珍惜

感動是因為我辜負了他們對我的關愛

他們的期望

我一次次地沉淪

每次一蹶不起后都告訴自己同一番話

我絕不能軟弱給誰看

我絕不能成為敗者

我不能

我不要!!

但我真的好累

累的好想什麽都不理

什麽都不想

對於生活，有時真的覺得放棄會比較好

每天面對的挑戰、那些煩惱

像海浪滔滔不絕地迎面撲來

而自己就得緊緊捉著海灘旁的樹幹不放

才不會隨波漂流到汪洋中

也許等到有一天真的沒那個力氣捉住了

我就會鬆開那緊握的雙手

永遠消失在那驚濤駭浪之中

Waiting For the One Last Miracle

keep looking at the time..

its half day passed..

one day...

28hours..

two days until now..

I am still hoping for miracle..

people says love is blind...

and i admit it..

from the day I know you till now

how many stupid things I have done

how many times I acted like an idiot

and every time I put aside my pride just to please you

I am nothing at all in your eye

there are signs

and every time from your responses I knew

but I am willing to keep trying and trying

and I deserved for the disspointment after it

there's a wall in between us and it was just like an iron wall

but I keep on trying to break the wall and end up the one who get hurt is me

after the pain and time passes for a while

I will keep trying again without taking the last time as lessons

just don't know why I was so determined in this

and I just cant stop

you know what?

I am falling a sick where I see people around as you

a shadow of yours

a reflection of yours

in the year of 2002

I was 12 years old

and it was the first year I met you

there has been 10 years passed and now I am 22

things changes a lot and so do you

but I am still remaining the same..

should I say that this will be the last year I fall for you?

should I say that it is enough for me to keep becoming an idiot and trying to get your

attention?

should I? should I?

I don't have too many 10 years to go..

and I've wasted my first 10

this will be the last year..

the last limit I give to myself..

and I will keep waiting

just like the last time in F6

where the long go you contact me after dissapearing for 2 years

as I thought we will not have any connection again

it's a miracle for me

and I hope the God will bless me for one last time

so that it worth for what I did these ten years.

dissapointed

意料中的等待

今天整天沒課

坐在電腦前

望著面子書的notification

不斷地刷新頁面

忐忑了好久

他有收到嗎

他會回覆嗎

很多的想法不斷湧現腦海裡

雖說是預期中的結局

但難免還是會很失望

之前那股衝勁那樂觀全沒了

我只想像以往般偶爾跟你聯繫

哪怕只有一兩句也好我也很滿足了

我懷念我守候電腦、手機旁那等待

是等待，但至少是有回覆的等待

而不像現在般完全不知發生怎麼回事

靜悄悄的臥室

只有電腦與我

那手機已好久沒有誰人的消息了

我習慣寂寞

卻也害怕過分的寂寞

不奢求什麽只希望能恢復從前般

有個人可以聽我訴說也告訴我外頭發生什麽新鮮事

就那麼簡單

我懷念當初你約我得空出來喝茶

允許的話我會立刻從金寶遠奔回吉隆坡聚一聚

有好多話要告訴你

而不會像上次般尷尬無言

剛剛電話響了那人卻不是你

而是另一個他

有些失望

notification里也皆是不相關我不期待的人

原來抱著樂觀的心態是錯的

悲觀些我就不會有那衝勁去發信息給你

也不會有期望變失望

我掛念的一切

皆在吉隆坡我的家鄉

我的思鄉病越漸嚴重了

>.<

just one more try

I just knew that it was impossible

but yet I still want to have a try..

just a try and i was hoping for a reply

although I knew it was impossible

my heart beat fast the moment I press the send button

take a deep breathe and telling myself to be brave for the last one time

I will regret if never put some effort for trying

I will regret too after i tried as things may not go as i expected

the whole night i cant get into sleeping well

turning around on my bed and wishing for miracle

I believed in miracle

although it never happened on me

early in the morning i woke up and the crystal necklace i wore has broken

it's a sign indicating that things wont go smooth..

and I believed it too

half day passed and there's nothing

I am still finding excuse for that

that he haven't seen the message i sent

that he's too busy to on FB

I am the expert of finding excuses

for others

and for myself

this made me feels better

just a try once again

although I have already know the result

just a try

and nothing much

回家·

最近愛上了回家的感覺

無時無刻都回味著家裡的溫暖

媽媽說：

你老是想著要自己脫離管制自己生活，就放手讓你去外地念書咯

不離開怎麼會體會到到底還是家裡好這道理

原來真的很對

在外頭闖蕩了幾年經歷過挫敗過才懂得家裡的好

我竟然想家了

昨天爸媽送我到火車站

揮著手向他們道別

但火車開走後我竟然在座位上落淚

我親愛的爸媽

我的家鄉

我的一切

都很不捨

他的歌

他的臉

他的文字

他的一切

已成了我的安慰

當接近放棄邊緣那刻

這一切成了我的毅力來源

雖然我對他來說什麽都不是

但他卻是我重視的所有

算是自我安慰的方法吧

22歲

我第一次想家了

2012/02/14 情人節

今天，星期二

騎了腳車去學校上課

在學校打算乘巴士回家片刻發覺我的巴士走了

雨傘遺漏在房裡就只好冒著烈陽走路回家去

而中午我準備好了巴士票在房裡摸了片刻

悲慘的我一出門就眼巴巴看著巴士開走

沒辦法，撐起雨傘上學去咯

雖說有了雨傘但我還是熱的滿頭大汗

他媽的什麽鬼天氣吖!!

校裡很熱鬧

玫瑰花小飾品滿街都是

女生收到花很開心還邊討論著課後去哪慶祝

最後一堂課隔壁那兩小子

嘰裡呱啦了一整天還不時偷偷竊笑

就像兩個在講八卦的小男人

結果接二連三地把桌上的東西掉落

書本啦文具啦還要麻煩我替他撿起

忙碌了大半天終於挨到要下課了

講堂外的天卻不作美、烏雲密佈

還不時傳來刺耳的轟隆聲

步出課室后才發覺外頭刮起了大風

霹靂巴拉的雨點咻咻的風聲

我的腳踏車派不上用場啦只好留它在學校

雨很大

巴士也還未到時間開車

就到湖邊的飯廳解決我的晚餐

坐在面向湖的位置

望著湖面被風翩起了陣陣漣漪

被薄霧籠罩著的湖面真漂亮

聽著風

看著湖

吃著飯

真寫意

風勢轉小了

巴士依舊還未開動

捲起了褲腳今天就來個雨中漫步吧

但卻是撐起雨傘的那種漫步:D

緩緩走在雨中

路過的車輛不時激起路面上的水花

一個不小心就得吃屎了

因為地面上的牛糞與水融合，噁心

蠻享受這樣的生活

是有些沉悶但卻能從中取樂

也讓那顆心靜下沉思

請把不改放在腦里的那切放下吧

別再沉醉別再回憶了

聽著你的那些歌

時間竟過得如此得快

一天一天過

我做了些什麽

翻著你的照片

聽著你的歌

流著淚

原來你也會聽這些悲情的歌曲

是你經歷了什麼嗎?

我無權過問

請振作起來吧

我沒有太多時間可以再浪費了

什麽該做什麽不該難道就分不清楚麼

希望一切順利

你也一樣

他

怎麼了、我又怎麼了

那強烈的失落感不斷地侵蝕著我

尤其在想起你那臉孔時

我就失控落淚

好多的曾經

不只是你

還有以往我經曆的那些時光

我的朋友我的家人

我好想念吉隆坡

真的不想繼續留在這裡!!!

只怪自己的不爭氣我離不開

就在昨晚

掙扎了很久

我依舊重蹈覆轍

去打聽起你的消息了

你有著快樂的生活

那燦爛的笑容

自信的眼神

你過的真好

以往那個我回來了

失控的我

消極的我

沉浸在回憶的我

我也想過的很好

大聲地告訴人們我真的很好

拷貝下了你的生活照

也許我很瘋狂

但只有看到你那堅定的眼神

我才能勉勵自己好好活下去

也只因為你

我才激起了對未來的期望

也許有那麼一天

就那麼一天我多年的堅持是值得的

雨。天

下雨的黃昏天

暗黑寂靜的樓梯級

半掩的底樓房門

心底那無名的恐懼升起

一隻闖進客廳避雨的貓咪

被它的影子嚇了一跳

盯著它看了看發覺它那跟人類輪廓有些相識的臉孔

不禁豎起了毛骨悚然的感覺

是我恐怖小說看太多了嗎

那是我自幼的本性

其實就連在自己的住家我也不會摸黑

下樓、上廁所、喝水或獨自呆在樓下

那可不是我

沒辦法

就是要學習堅強

誰說我定得依賴誰

再說家裡我是獨女

也許以後只剩下我一個人時還是得面對

爲了我的肚子

沒辦法

我愛雨天

但老天爺

請別在接近夜晚黑天時才下雨，好嗎

=(

夢

這是我第一次在這裡度過我的第一個週末

沒什麼儘管有些寂寞卻早也習慣了

原來遠離人群可以讓自己更專心

原來遠離人群可以讓自己更獨立

原來遠離人群后那顆心竟可以如此平靜

本就不是個愛熱鬧的人

就算如何努力裝都好我依舊屬於孤獨一族

就算融入了我依舊不是中心點，何必呢

寂靜，也是一種修心

昨晚做了個夢

夢裡有你

你和我

那是多麼歡悅的時刻

醒來時我竟是笑著的

但過後那無底的寂寞感卻侵襲著我

你那分明的輪廓

那爽朗的笑容

健碩的胸膛

以及厚厚的大掌

溫暖了我逐漸失溫的心

至少在夢裡我們是如此要好

都多少年了

十年了啊

你竟還是佔據著我心的一部份

有股想哭的衝動

心底老是充滿了莫名的激動

一件小小的事我竟會感動落淚

其實我真的沒那麼堅強

卻不得不繼續裝下去

多麼希望那場夢可以成真

多麼希望我們能像以往般保持聯繫

你偶爾的關心會是我的驅動力

就算是一封簡訊我也會整天笑不攏嘴

夢啊~~

又有誰人可以讓我的夢不再只是一個夢嗎?

L.I.F.E

Obsessed with movie and music that kinda old..

Never listen to this kind of song before before but found out that its quite nice too

Comparing with today's fast beat music

It is peace when listen to it

Thou i am not that old

Those 1990's HK movie became my favourite

So do the songs appeared inside it

Found that time passes just like seconds..

Few blinks of eye it's a year time..

I am getting older and older..

From memorable 15 yo to now i am 22yo

and next year will be my 23th

Keep persisting myself that everything will be fine

I am gotta make used my time wisely and leaving this hell place

Now only i realized..

The reason to keep you stay in a place is not the place itself

but are the people of the place

I have no more reason to miss this place that once i loved so much

I started to get homesick and miss KL so much

When a person started to miss their home

it means that the person has gone through a lots and grew up..

This is what we called life

We fall

We learnt

and we get up

Life is an endless story with unknown future

How's life?

just live and you will see

訴

很快地來到了新的一年

所謂舊的不去新的不來

不再執著于那些放不下的曾經

他的話提醒了我——我值得更好的將來

她的話喚醒了我——與其盲目地付出、包攬，也許離開是最好的

白白浪費了珍貴的青春

一次又一次的我始終栽在同一個錯處

friendship is a process of give and take

it doesn't mind that you give and people take

but yet when you give more than you take,you'll be unbalanced

輔導員給予的一番話

勵志刊物裡的一行字

深深地牽動著那脆弱的心弦

覺悟

every person has his very own opinion

there is no exact true or false

but you must learn to accept other's opinion to survive

雖說我也有錯

但事實上是誰遺棄誰我會銘記在心

人不為己天誅地滅

在乎那麼多幹什麼

我終於學會了——為自己

雖然偶爾那緊繃的情緒困擾著我

思緒混亂、心跳加速

但深深呼一口氣之後那暢快是不曾的

遠離了是非之地我無須在拘束于——承受

一個人的負擔已足夠，我不需扛上所有

今天發生了很多

反復回想

反復自責

反復反省

翻閱著勵志讀物不禁淚流

一個人坐在人來人往的火車站

習習的涼風迎面

喧嘩的鬧市與冷清的家形成了對比

我喜愛對比

那是一種極端

喜與樂

黑與白

從來不存在著灰色地帶

那是我的世界

我可以接受藍色、青色、紅色甚至七彩

但絕不接受灰色

這是我的原則

瞥見一個依稀熟悉的背影

他的一舉一動極像那個你

那一霎那我不禁心跳漏了一拍

以往那曾經一股腦兒充滿我的思緒

我著迷于的那笑容那姿態

火車站那角落里

我淚水不禁打滾

真的好久不見了

不知多少回我幻想著與你的重逢

不知多少回我相信著你會在不遠處守護著

我知道這是不可能但我依舊堅持

是那堅持給予我力量

生存下去的力量

是我的不爭氣造就了今天的我

我挽回不了失去的時光

但卻會努力儞補現在的不足

等著瞧吧

兩年後的一天

我會面帶笑容站在你面前讓你眼前一亮

而不會再是那個懦弱邋遢一成不變的我

就兩年吧