my destination

終於，我一個人提前到站下車

人群零落的街頭只有我孤身一人背著包包

人來人往都是成雙或一大堆的

嘻嘻哈哈打打鬧鬧

這就是對比

他們無法明瞭的對比

這一次我不會再妥協

什麽是朋友

朋友就是在你為難關頭不但不伸出援手的人

而且還落井下石在一旁嘲笑你幸災樂禍的人

一大堆的癥狀

就連平日少聯繫的媽媽也看得出的癥狀

朋友卻視而無睹

不但撇下你獨自一人不管

還要做出些令你心如刀割的動作

他說你無理

他說你過分

他說對你失去耐性

卻沒人會關心道：你還好嗎？怎麼了?

沒人會去聯想那是憂鬱癥的癥狀

我多疑

我敏感

我失控

我崩潰

我大哭

我大喊

我顫抖

我呆望著窗外

看著車來車往

看著他們一次又一次把我獨自遺棄在內

我坐在房內裝著不在乎

他們的小聲說大聲笑刺激著我

他們說別關上門別隔絕自己

我敞開著房門，大大的

卻沒人會進來關懷一番

我能不關門嗎

*對比*

我躲在桌子底下捂住嘴失聲痛哭

三小時不間斷地嘗試控制情緒

還丟東西發洩

而他們就走進來大聲問道：你到底想怎樣！！！

他們說：你不主動，別老是怪人，想下自己的態度！！！

他們總說，這都是我的錯

難道患上憂鬱癥也是我的錯嗎

他們竟然期待一個憂鬱癥患者還有一點自閉的人

去主動加入他們，荒謬

他們那冷漠的態度令我卻步

我所能依靠的有誰人

心理治療師曾告訴我盡可能別獨處

他們卻偏偏讓我獨處

心理治療師告訴我要身邊的朋友多些關懷我

我也曾向他們提出可以多陪我說話嗎

我卻是全屋子最安靜的那個

就像被遺棄後宮的妃子似的

我的房間冷清清的

就像冷宮

躲在桌子底下那刻

拿起了利剪劃著手腕

他們每大笑一次

我的心就痛一次

也劃一次

直到鮮血綻放如花

直到感覺那痛楚

我才會害怕

值得嗎

爸媽年邁的臉孔浮現我腦海裡

21歲年華就這樣被他們毀了，值得嗎？

掙扎著在理智與失控之間

洗衣藥水

成排的藥丸

以及那上鎖的鐵花

到最後我決心深深一劃

在手腕處划了一刀

就特地避開血管

我要的是覺悟

最後一次如此糟蹋自己

我依舊失控

他們也這樣走了

一句不說出門去了

我大哭

蹲在地上嚎哭

也撥電回家說我要回家

把媽媽嚇了一跳

背著大小包行李

一個人坐在巴士站

旁晚的夕陽很美，風很涼

只有腳底下那長長的影子跟隨著我

第一次乘巴士回家

忽然，就那麼突然

天空下起了綿綿細雨

還伴著嚇人的閃電

巴士行駛在崎嶇的道路上

搖搖擺擺的

一路上也暗暗的

忽然一個念頭

要是巴士失控來了個意外多好

我從來未嘗試過出意外的滋味

車上人不多

坐在最後座哽咽痛哭

手上的傷口提醒著我要堅強

窗外景物飄過

世界如此的大

我的心卻荒涼一片

像那無止盡的黑夜吞噬著大地

是他們

把我搞得一團糟

是他們

我付出了真心

卻也買了個教訓叫防人之心不可無

不是所有事都如我想像中那麼簡單

一個人離家背井讀書難免會有些壓力

面對著這複雜的世界也難怪報章上常出現放棄生命的例子

他們心裡所想的並不是你旁人能明白的

既然沒人願意伸出援手那離開是最好的

但我卻顧忌年邁的雙親

他們含辛茹苦地養大我

21年付出了多少

坐在人來人往的街上

看著天真無邪的孩子們

我這樣想著

時光匆匆

快邁入22年華我依舊期望一切會很好

儘管這21年來我受盡了委屈

儘管21年以來沒有一個真正的朋友

儘管21年以來沒人曾經為我慶祝過生日

我依舊相信只要我存活這世界上一切都會有所改變

沒有他們的扶持，就算了

接下來的日子難熬，也算了

我依舊等待

等待一個時機

等待一個對象

等待我的幸福

我哭了整整5天

我精神糜萎不振了5天

我悲痛欲絕了5天够了嗎

媽媽，對不起呀

讓你擔心了

明天考完試后就會去見學校心理輔導員

好好討論下我的前途及解決心理的傷痛

2011年，一個不好的一年就快過去了

希望從此以後我不需為無謂的人左右我的一切

開開心心活下去

等待

人家總說，記憶好的人并不會快樂

人家總說，念舊的人並不會過的很好

那心情，沒人會體會到

刀不割到肉是不會瞭解那到底有多疼

我只知道，身處孤軍作戰情況之下我得比誰都堅強

我無時不記起那些曾經

被忽略的畫面一遍遍在腦海重演

友情或愛情上我都處於被動態

我總是在擔憂無時不為對方著想

就只怕一表態后那些美好會隨之消逝

我忍讓退讓還裝著不在乎

殊不知心中那股委屈早已生根

你說的每一句話我都銘記在心

你的每個笑容每個模樣我也謹記在心

寂靜的夜晚里我總愛緬懷過去

翻閱你寫給我的文字

翻閱你最近的狀態及照片

發覺，我從不曾擁有過誰

你總不斷地離我遠去

一次又一次地撩起我心中的傷痛

每當我心靜如水不再為你激起漣漪時

你總愛再次出現打擾我平靜的生活

我從來什麽都不是

永遠也只有陪襯在旁的份

讓你消磨打發時間

歷史在重演但我卻心甘情願墮入深淵

近10年的時間我從來都沒變

每每心疼之際都告訴自己我不能比你軟弱

我一定要過的比你好千萬倍

我要告訴你沒了你我一樣很好

可那些都是騙人的話

我根本硬不起來狠不下心實現我的諾言

那只是在自己哭的稀裡嘩啦之際自我安慰的方法

一次又一次的失望我真的希望有一天你會告訴我你願意為我停留

告訴我你錯了也感激我的體諒及守候

可我知道你不會

其他人也不會

發出文字那一刻回憶不斷

這情節到底還要重演多久

我始終抱著希望

卻也變成了失望

我深信沒多久你又會再次消失在我的生命里

就算我多麼努力也留不住你只能奉陪這場遊戲

你說：有什麽事可以找你傾訴無論多夜也不會忽略我

他說：你是搭客不是過客搭上了你這趟巴士

你說：每天早晨給我一個morning call說聲早喚我上學

他說：親愛的，讓我牽著你的手一起越過繁忙的市區吧

難道你就不知道這些話對我意義非凡嗎

你知道接到你電話那刻我的心情是多麼的雀躍嗎

牽起你手那一刻是那麼幸福的事

寬厚的掌心溫暖的手是我的倚靠

那些曾經我都緊緊記牢回味

諾言，算的了什麽?

其實，我就是一位過客

在眾多人的世界里走過了一圈

是時候到站下車了

lonely

i just hate the feeling to be left alone in the house..

i just hate the feeling when i am just like vanish in yours life and no one care

i just hate to stay alone like an idiot hanging out alone like idiot without people to be with

i hate

i just hate

but what else i can do

i am just out of your life

i am just leave behind

the wise one

i am mad

i am sad

the moment you out without asking or telling me

and i was like an idiot being left behind

looking at the window seeing you leave and waiting you back

no one will know how lonely the feeling was like

i am just alone!!!!!

you speak and laugh loud outside my room

and i just can listen to your joy but who cares me

i tried to join and every time i join i felt that i am the wise one

no one will truly listen and care whether i am there or not

scene without me there you are having much fun

i just dont want to stay alone in the house

i just dont want to be the neglected one

i dont!!!!

i am hurt

and who can i talk to

i keep on yelling and cried loud the moment i was left alone

i am gonna crazy and who cares

i was left with no one

facing the computer

and nothing can entertain me

ghost are chatting with me

i just need a listening ear

i just need bunch of love and care

every time i walk or cycle i am always the one being left behind

but when you all cycle or walk there are always partner side by side and having fun

and i have noticed for many times ,who cares the wise me

my parents wont listen to me

whenever i wanna share my happiness or daily happening

they just dont listen

and my dad will always scold me half way i told the story

i never finish the haapening he just blame that i was wrong

hey,i am telling the thing i met on the way i drive back home

and he just scold me why you drive out and always make trouble

i dint involve in accident

i dint broke the car

and he just blame

keep on blaming

i wanted so much to share

but no one will do

i just can keep all that in my heart

no one will care

every time i tell myself all will be fine

but it was not

and will not

i hide in the cyber cafe since no one cares

i hang out alone since no one care

no one will know how lonely am i

i tried not to mention in front of u all

i know u all hated me

saying that i am childish and always making trouble

you are not me

and wont understand what was playing in my mind

i totally have nobody to talk to

every time i listen to the joy of you all

i just cant control myself from thinking these

even my parents also dont care

will you

the answer is totally a not

what i have was only you

and now i am not in it

every time same

i also hope there are friendship forever

but that is not suitable to apply on me

when time comes all gone

and i am just left alone

again

烏龜

就如一隻小烏龜般的

小心翼翼地探頭摸索這世界

卻膽小懦弱深怕一個不小心被踩得粉身碎骨

窗外廣闊的世界是它的嚮往

可到最後

它還是得藏進那黑暗的龜殼里

它的保護殼

失

從一個品學兼優的模範生

被四周的人擁戴羡慕著也被視為榜樣

到如今墮落的一蹶不起也漸漸地失去光環

我不再是個中心點

thoughts#2

once upon a time

she used to laugh happily

and there was nothing for her to worry about

she had lots of friends and there were people to share her happiness

as time passed

she gone through a lots

and the happenings changed her

into a easily hurt and fragile her

it leads her to become a more silence and cold blooded person

to hide and protect herself from getting hurt

the relationship couldn't be trusted

so were the people that faking around

this is the adult world and was totally different with the previous world

she cares

but just the way she show her concern cannot be understood by others

and there was no one trying to understand her and get into her world

she have to walk out from the world that she used to familiar with

and she scares

she timid

it was a totally a strange world for her to enter

and she has no confident to survive in such a world

a reality world without protection

she emos

she hope that there were someone could sense her fears

and would spend times to get her along on the way she steps into the new world

she hope that she can met with someone that have the same thinking like her

and would always be there for her when she was in troubles or difficulties

and there were no one for her to depend to

to survive and adapt to this whole new world

she have to be tough and live with a strong heart

she think of her family in a sudden

and everytime she received calls from her family

she would be extra happy and get touched

no one will be better in this world compare with her own family member

they are the one who will totally compromise and tolerate with her

and support her no matter what she did

under her tough faces

there is still a fragile heart and she wouldn't easily show it to others

it was her last protection and she hope could defence it

few times she collapsed and exposed her easily hurted heart

and it was a bad experience to her

yet she persuade herself that she is unbeatable

and will live well in this world

so that people would not look down upon her

for those who treat her well she will repay back with her own way

and for those who offended her she will repay back twice too

these were the living priciple for her to survive in this world

and no one is to deny what she did as they are not qualified to do so

cause they are outside her world and have no rights to disturb her own surviving law

dont ever ask a person to walk out from her world as she already used to it

dont ever try to deny her and saying that she is stubborn to live in her own world

vice versa dont you ever think of to walk into her world and adapt to her

accept her

self identify her

and one day she will discover that her world is the same with others too

棄

我只知道自己是個不討人喜愛的孩子

從小至今都如此

因此

我那倔強的自尊心作祟

也特別的敏感

沒什麼

當你嘗試過被遺棄的滋味后

就會明瞭

寂寞

終於真正體驗到了那如此深入心扉的寂寞感

翻開手機通訊錄竟然沒有一個人可以傾訴

登入了msn通訊yahoo面子書

哪怕是不比以往頻密

那聊天顯示提示音也不再響起

就連要找個人聊聊也那麼難難嗎

只好自己躲在屬於我的空間里

以音樂連續劇及眼淚麻醉自己

我也想在遇到困難時有人可以為我雙肋插刀在所不惜

我也希望能有個人可以無論什麽事都永遠站在我這一旁，撐我挺我

我就是那麼希望我可以是你們的中心——那份歡樂那份分享

可我什麽都不是

原來連我也看得穿自己

那可悲的寂寞無盡地吞噬著我

沒人願意停下那我根本跟不上的腳步

哪怕停下那一會兒讓我追上也沒有

就那麼永遠地我是被遺棄在最後頭的那位

大家都嚮往著前方的歡樂以致忘卻了後頭那心酸悲哀

我所做的每一件事從來得不到他人完全的認同

我說的每一句話根本不會有人放在心上

頻頻失控的情緒這個學期我控制得很好

我只學會了視而不見

而這一路上根本無人認同

人前我無所謂但背後那淚水無人知曉

接近頻臨崩潰的邊緣

就連哭泣發洩我都得躲在角落暗自療傷

頻密的發呆頻密地自我安慰沒事的我只是還未遇上知我的伯樂

在那我發呆遊神的當兒心底那傷口早已埫開了不知多少回

得學會更加的堅強

這世上，根本沒人值得我去付出真心

出來社會那段日子見識了不少可爲什麽我還傻得要那麼做

換來的只是傷痕累累的心

和我不想說出口的一些話

多麼想狠狠地斬斷那一絲的聯繫

多麼的想發飈爆粗可我還是忍住了

是失望

根本不值得我花那麼多心思去在乎關注

我那氾濫的寂寞

只把我跟這世界隔絕得更遠

泄

凌晨213am

俯身電腦桌前

就是不肯入睡

考完了月考，有些累

畢業，離我好遙遠

但我會繼續努力儞補之前的不爭氣

很努力的去證明自己

我才不要衰給某些人被瞧不起

空蕩蕩的內心

就是沒有以前那股推動力

是缺少了什麽嗎?

發覺自己越漸孤僻了

有些厭倦人群的喧鬧

置身人群裡真的有股衝動要大喊

甚至有打人的衝動

可以安靜下來嗎?

今日中午在考場就有爆發的衝動

人群啊，我可以遠離你嗎

自認做每件事都會為周圍的人著想

我不愧天不愧地也對得起任何一方

怎麼就有些自私的人存在這世上呢

非但不挑起自身的責任還要多管閒事做些有的沒的

原來會為人著想并不是一件好事

非但沒人會感激你還會被責怪

這樣生活下去真的好辛苦

無時無刻警戒著自己

我能不能這樣做後果會如何?

可有麻煩到他人嗎?

無時無刻為自己也為他人豎起一個榜樣

我嚴格要求潔淨完美

自然會做好自己份內的事

努力地維持著我一路的堅持

爲什麽世界上我還是要跟隨著服從著他人居多

還差不多每次都得要退步忍讓

難道就沒人可以跟隨我的腳步嗎

我待人處世我一路的堅持難道是錯的嗎

他人總在試圖改變我的性格習慣

可就沒人主動認同我的方案并試圖融入嗎

真搞不懂

stupid again

it has been a long long time

and i still couldn't stop myself from doing stupid things

pressing your number and yet i not dare to click on the 【call】button

i remembered all you told me

i remembered how you smile and share your happiness with me

i remembered the time we chit chat till late night and

you said a GOOD NIGHT

thanks for your very first GOOD NIGHT to me..

it's really meaningful cause you're special to me

i miss the GOOD NIGHT

from you

(>.<)

be tough

be tough..!!

i am the only one that i can depend to

and no one will do..

be tough..!!

i am the only one that feel the pain and overcome it

and no one will do..

be tough please..!!!

if i am not tough enough

who will be there to feel my pain and let me to rely on?

NO ONE WILL DO~~

no way

i am not perfect..

so are you

please stop acting like you are the perfect one

and force me to go by your way

every time i have to listen to your wordy mumbling

asking me to act like this and that

i have my own way to do things..

i have my own thoughts..

who are you to point out that i am wrong?

who are you to deny everything i did?

i am not gonna listen to a person that are weaker than me

and less perfect than me..

so make sure your hands are clean before pointing at me

and telling me that i should go by your way..

NO WAY!!!

thoughts#1

time passed..

and i am still here

doing nothing at all

The moment i seek for HOD advises

although he is pissing me off

i think a lot why am i having this terrible results?

THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT!!!

positive learning attitude please come back to me

please stop me from falling apart..

i really needs motivation to go on..

god bless me

i am all alone

只想，大声呐喊..!!!

我是不会轻易背弃自己的原则的

哪怕只剩下我孤身一人我也不会低头

只想证明自己并不懦弱

也不一味当别人的影子

我有我要走的道路

在批评别人前

请先反省下自己是否有那个资格如此

做人

有时候，做人要识趣些

别老只顾着自己的利益

工作做一半拍拍屁股说回家了

留下艰难那部分令让组员头疼整夜

家务事不帮忙就算了

有时拿了东西就顺手丢下没手尾

就连煮个面也不抹桌子留下面条与调味剂日积月累

自己不睡觉

别人关门了还要跑去敲门干扰

世界上不甘寂寞的人多的是

只希望你尊重他人不想被打扰的意愿

我就是这样

有话就要说

也偏爱打抱不平

但却不会在你面前说

为的是留给你一丝尊严

一个成年人

背负着重大的责任

对自己，也对他人

别推卸说你不会..不知道
有谁天生什么都懂

只在于你肯不肯去做

我不是你佣人

所以，请自重

我的脾气也是有限的

别让我走到对着你发飙那地步

才学会看清楚自己的短处

a campaign title

http://says.my/michelle017/bday

一个人的寂寞

那天的事...冷静下来后想了很多

对不起...我也是一时的失控才会如此

那一刹那间..有股感觉

我，不属于你们

你，有任何事可以对男友说

你，有任何事可以向最亲的阿姨姐妹说

你，有太多的ABC男等着献勤听你述说

可我呢？

我只有你们

从小，我就是家里唯一的独生女

我不擅交际不擅表达

直到遇上了你们

我的生命才慢慢开始精彩

所以我才在乎

也就失控...

一个人在被遗弃的路上想了很多

那些我曾默默付出的画面统统涌上心头

为什么我总是成为付出的那一位?

甚至，我检讨...

我的付出是否值得？

我的天啊...

我真的好累!!!

对不起，请原谅我的冲动与失控