2012/12/27

新年·願望


末日預言並沒實現
還有幾天就邁入2013 年了
每一年第一個月的第17天是我的生日
不到20天的時間我就會踏入23歲了

沒什麼,日子依舊這樣過
過去的一年裡學會了很多
成長很痛我永遠也忘不了那刻骨銘心的傷痛
那是我人生里上了一堂最現實最寶貴的課
我悲痛欲絕失望難過但還是一個人挨了過來

學會了自我調理心境
我不再會如此輕易相信他人寬容他人
並不是身邊每一個人都值得我如此付出
到最後我還不是被人當傻瓜一個
靠自己才是最實際的

成長了,責任也大了
看著年邁的父母其實我有些愧疚
延遲一年畢業也是我一手造就的
對不起是我讓你們失望了

對於未來,我真的很彷徨失措
獨生女一點兒也不好當
我擔憂我害怕我無助

世界上最親的我只有父母二人
而生老病死是人生必經之途
我不敢想像當有一天他們離我而去那刻我會有著如何的心情

人,總是奇怪的生物
小時候我恨不得快些長大好擺脫家裡的束縛
現在長大了卻覺得時間過得真快所有的一切快得在我掌控之外

我明白媽媽最近的意圖
她總愛探聽我是否有對象
還時不時跟我說教,什麽帶眼識人的、潔身自愛之類等等
其實她說的我都懂

媽媽請放心
對於感情我絕對認真不會隨便對待
當然我找對象的條件也沒了以往般那麼單純簡單
我需要的,是一個能肩負責任的男人
而不是一個還需要依靠家裡的任性男孩

是的,是時候我也該找個能陪我度過人生的另一半了
我害怕,我真的害怕當年邁雙親離開我后剩下我孤零零一個人那日子
我沒有兄弟姐妹我沒有要好知己
所有的一切都只有我一人承擔
而爸媽扮演的角色真的很重要
我能無拘無束得傾吐、撒嬌、發牢騷的就只有他們

隨著日子一天天過去,看著日益孱弱的父母我真的不知該怎麼辦好
時光老人,您可否聽聽我的禱告讓身邊的一切慢下來嗎?
我真的好害怕那快的不眨眼的時光給身邊的人與事帶來的影響

對於未來新的一年裡,我不奢求太多
只希望身邊的人都能平安健康,一切順利
感情那回事,就隨緣吧

過去一年裡,所有不好的我都要統統拋掉
所有的不快請遠離我,我要的是一個嶄新的人生
沒有她們我依舊能過得好好的

Be Happy.



2012/12/12

Sweet memories



One more week to go,there end my current semester.
quite stress for the coming paper..don't know why, I am so afraid of taking exam now.
I don't want to fail again!!everytime seeing the accounting paper I am gonna faint.
totally dislike accounting stuff..I would rather take 10 financial paper also don't want sit for account exam
suffering when doing the revision.and everytime I also feel like wanna give up on this subject.

Last Friday, I help one of our university's lecturer to foster a cute puppy.
her name is Kia. I really like her so much..first day she come, the lecturer provide me with cage and chain.
However, I didnt plan to cage her all the time. First time ever I put dog inside my room area.
and she is a very obedient and clever girl. I bought her another collar with bell as easy for me to notice where she move and what she's doing behind me.XD
At first I was so worried that she might do her business inside my room.but at last I was relief as she is so clever and will go out my balcony area there to solve her business. make me easier to do the cleaning job 

Enjoy the time I spent together with her for the three days fostering period.
I let her wander around my room and she likes to sleep under my leg.
when she awake, she will stretch her tired body and it looks really fun.
I like her keep licking and sniffing on me. first time ever I let a dog kiss my face.
Even my log log also don't have this chance..hahaha..the feeling is nice but quite itchy and geli~XD
I hug her and lie on floor together with her. and she keep playing with my hair.
she likes to lie on my floor clothes and hugging them to sleep.
3 pieces of my floor cloth being occupied by her..full with her slaver and her smell.

I loved so much looking at her sleeping face.
I loved her so so much and she is really super obedient.
I will talk to her. telling her to be good girl and go outside balcony to pee and poo.
and she do understand what I said. the lecturer was suprised too when I told her this as normally she will bring her out for walk and she always settle her business outside.

The day lecturer came and fetch her back, I was really sad.
I already used to her existence in my room. 
no more her cage in my room
no more her collar bell ringing in my room.
no more licking and sniffing from her and I miss the fun time I had with her.

Doing my revision and I was so used to keep saying : Kia, good girl ar~
look under my bed, there was the spot Kia loved so much to hide and sleep there hugging my clothes.
now that she had gone and no more those sweet and warm memories with her.
Dogs are always man's best friend and companion.
These few days I was so happy and in good mood with her in my life.
wish her can find a family that willing to give a forever home and loved her more than I do.
I will always be missing you

Two more days to my first paper. and I was so anxious.
recently am having exam phobia..sigh
I remember my promised and mom's promised too.
Please pass all the paper in this semester and I can adopt Xiao Jing, another cute and obedient doggie. Even she only left with one eye, I like her on my first sight and must fight to get her next semester. huhuhuhu!!! 

Chooi Wai Man!!add more oil in your revision.
Fight for your dream
Fight for Xiao Jing!!
Ga Yao arrhh!!!



2012/12/03

Life


Did a meaningful thing last weekend..
followed the UPAS society went to animal shelter in Ipoh and bathe those doggies..
and I get to know few utar students which volunteer in helping animals too..

my first experience visiting animal shelter and this shelter having 3 kennels for dogs and 1 for cat..
when I first step inside the shelter..I can see those dogs jumping up excitedly inside their kennels.
those doggies are super friendly to us and keep jumping and wandering around sniffing you when we went inside the kennel..

Even though I am not so used with the strong smell inside the kennel,but I also had some fun time with them..
feel really touch with those volunteer in helping animals..
they don't mind if the dogs having skin condition or wound that bleed..
they  don't mind spending money and time taking care those poor little things.

I do loves animal..but before get in touch with this activity, at most I will only give foods to those strays and play with them for a while.
my mommy are against animals..every time when she sees my approach those cats she will shoo them away..
she's mad because those stray cats always poo infront my house gate..XD
So everytime I will use the time when mommy was in bath and I will open the gate and play with those cute cats and give them food.
And mommy is afraid of dogs too..still remember last time I bring Log log back home, mommy was so scared until she not dare to go out to dry the clothes and need to me hold log log tight before she went out.

Through this time's activity, I am glad that there are still lots of animal lovers out there and what I did before was nothing compared with them.
we bathe the dogs, cleaning the kennel and prepare food for them.
even though at the end I was sweating like hell and smells stinky, but I feel satisfied and happy too.
seeing them having clean body and pleasant smell with happy time, all we did worth it.

Before going back home, went to KS's house and visit the dogs that being rescued by them last time.
there is one dog named Xiao Jing which suffered in eye problem and now it left only with 1 eye after surgery.
first sight seeing her, I fall in love with her even she only have one eye.
she is quite active and obedient to people around.
really feel sorry for what she've encountered.

Think quite a lot when I reach my room.
Suddenly the idea arise that maybe I can adopt her as my second pets?
called my mom and as expected she rejected my request.
I've begged for so long and even argue with her.
she said that what for you bring back a dog with one eye?can she guard the house?
mommy said I am a weird person..always like those weird things.
come on..nothing's wrong with the one eye dog wat..she's a life too..so don't discriminate her!!

Next day after argue, mommy sent me a message telling me that she loved me as I am her only child.
and I start bargaining with her that: If I pass all subjects in this semester, I will adopt Xiao Jing as my pet.
all the expenses and responsibility I will bear by myself as usual..
and please don't worry that I don't have enough money to spent during my study..
I will think clearly and planned well before I decide to adopt her.and  I will love her will all my heart without ignoring my study too.
and mommy promised me..hurray!!!

2 more weeks to final exam...and I must study hard..
for myself and also to realize my dream to adopt Xiao Jing.
start from tomorrow I will go stay at school library so that I could more concentrate on revision.

Today one of my assignment mate ask me to do revision together with him and he got some part do not understand.
haha..first time ever got assignment mate ask me to revise together..normally I used to do revision on my own,but its a good thing too la.at least two is better than one? LOL

Just now when I was enjoying my meal, my phone rang and received a message.
never thought that he will message me again.I was really shock.
even though I have deleted your number, but looking at those familiar numbers I know its you.
just some simple word: Hi, how are you recently?
Do you know how excited was I when seeing the message sent by you?
I wish for years that I can hear from you again..and now only my wish come true.
I was confused.should I reply your message?
after what I did so hard previously and you gave me with no response, now you appear again?
what's your purpose? just like last time, we lost contact for some while, you come back again, then leave again..

I'm enough of it!if there are something between us, we already been together long time ago but no wait till now..
hence I am sure that you're just bored and need someone to entertain you.
I do hope there are things between us, but there isn't.

Time to wake up, Wai Man.
I should know where I stand from the past and I don't wish to fall again because of you.
sometimes I will recall back the past and remind me of you.
I wished for thousand times that I could hear from you again..and now my dream comes true.
but I am not happy.I am not the old me in the past anymore.
must be cruel to myself to get rid off you.just like what I did as I choose to walk my lonely road even they are my gang..

So what? just let me live by my own way without always putting others as priority.
I am tired of it..what I get since I treat you so nice and you gave me with nothing.
best friends will betray..so do you..
I don't want to get hurt time by time..
I'm pain!!

So better stay away from you and from them.
I prefer my current life and thanks for your concern.
I am doing so fine here.and I wouldn't reply your message.

Be tough..be determined.
everything's gonna be okay.
fight for my dreams..live a better life
I can do it~!!


2012/11/28

苦。訴



還有不到一個月的時間這個學期就結束了
說真的,其實還是有些擔心
這學期拿了滿學分四科科目
兩張金融學,法文還有會計學Ⅱ

金融學我真的完全不擔心
之前比這更難的金融科目我都過關了
所以這兩科對我來說是真的很輕鬆
反而我害怕的是會計學和法文

發覺自己做人真的很直
法文老師人很好任由我們在課堂上自由發揮
很多人在班上考試都是作弊的
沒辦法,我都是獨行俠一個人上著陌生的法文課
所以考試時我都沒死黨一夥討論偷看
發覺很多人不單偷看討論,還光明正大參考書本筆記

其實我也有那個機會
考試前我把重點筆記寫在紙上放進透明的文件夾
但猶豫了很久卻發覺這樣不是很好我也從不在課堂上作弊
於是臨陣我放棄了作弊念頭把透明文件夾翻到空白一頁內墊底
成績出來那刻我真的有些後悔
大部份人的成績都很好而我只是剛剛及格而已
沒什麼只是有些不忿、不甘和後悔
哎,不然我的分數就不止過關那麼低了
算吧,至少我對得起自己的良心
有個朋友曾經跟我說過:小考測驗不需害怕會Fail..因為可以偷看參考
但我個人覺得這是原則問題,是的,我也期望能Pass這樣就不必怕大考分數被拉低
我也害怕最終會Fail掉整張紙被逼下學期重拿,但我就是做不下手

最頭疼的就是會計學
這是我的弱點
根本對會計全無頭緒也完全沒基礎
很後悔中六時為何不拿會計學到了大學才第一次接觸
會計Ⅰ和Ⅱ我都是Fail了第一次再重拿的
擔心擔心希望這次能順利過關啊
我不想再重拿會計學,會瘋掉!!!

最近的心情很不錯
靜思了很久想了很多
其實在想是否自己想太多了
有時候是否自己被騙了還樂得以為別人真的那麼熱忱

自認自己是個心軟任人擺佈的人
但這不代表我沒主見只是我不想計較所以沒必要我都是那句:沒關係
只要你沒踩到我的底線我真的什麽都沒關係
我知道,我的主見太強每每我忍不住發揮我主見時總會鬧得不愉快
所以我選擇附和隨從什麽都隨便
因為我真的沒關係只要你快樂你喜歡不麻煩到你我都沒關係

但發覺自己的退讓每次總讓他人踩到頭上來
世界上沒那麼多人那麼好心會真心為你著想
明知那是個陷阱我卻心甘情願踩下去
你退一步他卻越逼近一步

人們會爲了利益而說謊并相互利用
但我卻很不屑這一點
你心裡真正怎麼想我不知道
但我總在說服自己你說的是對的你沒在利用我
我只希望我自己沒看錯人,你是正直的
其實我也有些同情你也許你有自己的苦衷吧

想了很久,我是否該止步退出呢
無止境的退讓付出我真的有些消受不了
爲了不相幹的人我甘心付出時間金錢精神
那是一種無形的壓力緊緊壓迫著我

成長,是個殘忍的過程
它會讓你看清這個社會人們的心態
更可怕的是成長會把你磨練改變成你最不想變成的人
你單純誠實處處為人著想,在這個社會上——你輸了
人不為己天誅地滅,這是生存的原則

希望他沒我想的那麼壞是在欺騙利用我
因為我真心把每個走進我生命裡的人當做朋友
就算我沒錢開飯我也可以為你掏光口袋的錢財
只希望你能以同樣的心態對我而不是假惺惺的利用


還有一個月不到的時間我就放假啦,很興奮很開心
順順利利過這個學期回來後我要好好寵寵自己
在想,是否要做假期工呢?
每次放假都回來做工,我真的很想好好休息
但不做工就沒多餘的錢休閒娛樂
唉,為錢忙也為錢死
真可憐~

很羡慕那些有兄弟姐妹的人
至少他們不需一個人負擔整個家庭有什麽事也有個人商量
我希望有事可以有個年長的人指引我
也希望什麽秘密開心或不開心的事有姐妹分擔一群人窩在被窩里大笑或痛哭
但我只是個獨生女我誰人也沒有

我害怕未來的變數
年邁的父母靠的就只是我了
每每想到這點就覺得自己很沒用
22歲了還得靠父母供我念書而我不爭氣還要延長一年畢業
看著白髮鬢鬢的爸爸駝著背日曬雨淋為的就是給我生活費我真的很難過
雖然爸爸嘴裡總是在啰嗦我諷刺我反對我,但其實他是擔心我的

錢啊、錢啊
世界上有錢就真的什麽事都解決得了也不用那麼煩
不是我現實這是一個你不能否認的事實

做好自己本分吧
加油



2012/11/22

寂夜


耐不住饑餓
這一整天只在中午放學后吃了經濟米粉
猶豫了很久我還是走出去打包了炒米粉解餓


皎潔的明月
抬頭望向漫天星空
很美
這是個寧靜的夜晚

一個人漫步已成了我的習慣
特別是在寂靜的夜裡
我何嘗不想融入團隊里
但我發覺儘管我多麼的努力那只是表面
我的性格習慣依舊是屬於獨行的
是改變不了的事實

很寂寞
一個人在外頭生活
我安分守己盡自己的責任
我自由卻很寂寞

走在外頭
在想,是否會有個人可以為我赴湯蹈火
就像我爲了他而糾結10年之久

媽媽終於放手讓我去闖了
媽媽開始關心我是否有喜歡的男生了
媽媽說,她不再阻止我也不會干涉我去談戀愛

很悲哀,我有對象那時你是那麼的堅決反對
現在卻開始為我擔心
對象,不是隨隨便便找一個就有
跟媽媽談了很久,談了些我們從不談的話題
那種感覺很奇怪
其實我真的不習慣跟媽媽說這些
我的事情我自己會處理,謝謝關心

緣分這東西,很難說
世界就是那麼奇妙
我喜歡你,你喜歡她
我想談戀愛你阻止,我不想你卻開始關心

若我不選擇到金寶念書,我不會認識她們
若我不認識她們,我們不會爭執我也不會嘗到成長之痛
若我沒跟她們鬧翻,我的成績依舊一蹶不起
若我沒搬出去一個人住,我不會認識那一班新朋友

這就是命運,是緣分
有些人,跟你無緣
所以她們被逼退出你的世界

就算你怎麼傷心難過,無緣就是無緣
就如我為他糾結了10年依舊無結果
倒不如放手放下

這是一個糾結的夜晚
想了很多很多
成長很痛,我很寂寞
儘管很累儘管淚流滿目
但這條路我依舊得走下去

就隨緣吧
別哭


2012/11/18

幸福?


最近总是很迟才睡觉,说真的我也觉得很不正常
一个星期的假期我变本加厉,差不多每晚都整4点才睡
没什么,就是不想睡

今天星期天,还以为可以睡迟些但我依旧没福
有个朋友说要来金宝,顺道找我,只是我没想到会在早上
睡得蒙蒙糊糊期间被吵醒,却得知他要去怡保顺道带我去
反正我也没事做,就跟去吧

上了车才发觉原来还有另一班朋友随行
先跑到了新镇吃点心,真的好久好久没回到新镇走走了
看着发展迅速的新镇,有些感慨
曾经,我们2年的时间是在那里度过
现在却各奔西东,形同陌路,唏嘘也

一路北上,一个既熟悉又陌生的城市
整一年多没上过去了
其实在想,找个机会偶尔自己一个人乘巴士北上走走也不错
我不需要人陪也能好好的自我娱乐
爱上了那冒险的感觉

发觉最后要去的地方是——巴占
令我想起了她,是她的家乡
在想,是否会在人潮里遇见她呢
有些抗拒与害怕
自我们闹翻后,我依旧放不下你一切
我想起了你对我说过的一切
想起了在你家暂住的日子、我们同游的时光


去了个新开张的商店分行,人多得很
看见那人潮我也不禁皱起眉头,寸步难行啊
找了个机会溜了出来,外头很热
我也借机发挥我好奇的精神沿附近商店走走
带着耳机绕附近走了几圈,最后停留在一家奶茶店


叫了杯饮料坐在户外
看着来往的人群与车辆
我虽厌恶人多拥挤的地方,却也蛮喜欢那场景
喜欢看着人来人往的街道,静静坐在一旁听着歌回忆着
置身于人潮里的那点宁静,真的很享受

其实,你跟我说的我都听得懂
无可否认,那的确很吸引我
可是依旧还是很多的疑问和灰色地带我搞不懂
外界的是非黑白闲言闲语也不完全无道理
其实,有些事情是否光明正大坦坦白白比较好呢
感觉上你们有好多的隐瞒,有些鬼祟的感觉

其实我并不反对你们所说,
只是有些时候与其吞吞吐吐倒不如开门见山
很反感那种神秘鬼祟,请别再对我拐弯抹角
有什么事就直接说吧

过后,大伙儿还到了市中心出名的饭店找吃——怡保著名的芽菜鸡饭
还真是我的第一次啊,只是天不作美下起了倾盆大雨

饭店里很多人
其实觉得没什么特别的
也许是我胃口不太好的关系?嗯
今天的收获其实也不错啦
我见识了很多,学到了很多

沿途的风景很美
其实我很喜欢坐在车里看着车外的风景
从小就有了这习惯所以很自然的每每外出我都爱看着外边的景物
人也好,车也好,事物也好
这世界是多么的奇妙

最近的心情很反复很极端
我可以很开心也可以很失落
发觉最打动我的一首歌竟是【月亮代表我的心】
护花危情里的插曲、绝种好男人的插曲
有种淡淡悲伤的感觉
特别是绝种好男人里最后任贤齐再火车站唱出这首歌时
无论我看多少遍,每次依旧泪流满目

有时候,幸福很简单
的确,每个人都向往成功也希望出人头地
可人们总不知足,总追求更多
这样幸福吗?我只觉得生活很累人
总是在付出付出和付出
追求追求还是在追求
可否停下脚步,静下心来思考
自己要的到底是什么?
有时候,看看身旁的风景也是一件很幸福的事
也许一直以来的追求,答案就在里边

我厌恶繁忙的节奏累人的脚步
我总是在跟随,追啊追啊
一步两步三步,我始终被落在后头
看着前头的她们,无论我怎么努力还是追不上
反而现在我抽身离开,走我一个人的路
发觉,其实我比以前幸福

有时候,真的觉得自己很累很累
累得什么也不想理不想管
静静的沉淀自己,静思
其实,我们都幸福
只是追求得太久我们逐渐遗失了那幸福离幸福越远

我很幸福
却也不幸福
因为我不懂得珍惜那幸福




2012/11/10

Holiday?


Time flies...and now its my almost half of November passed
next week will be my faculty whole week holidays..but I am not gonna back KL again since I just get back from there on Friday..
most of the students are going back..and this small town become more silent without them

Recently I am so get used in spending time alone..
surfing the net..doing some notes for revision..listening to music.blah blah blah
started to enjoy my lonely life all the way from school to home..
cycle alone..went to class alone..dining along..

I don't have to care anymore where I did wrong and get annoyed by someone
I can fully utilize my time doing my own things and need not keep helping to do things that don't belongs to me..
I am the master of myself..I decide where to go,when to eat and what to do..

I am doing so fine without others..even a bit alone..but I feel great..
and I think of you since I am too free here..
when I last purchased my new laptop, they gifted me a Celcom number..
at first I thought of want to make a silent call or messaging you with this totally strange new number as I previously did..
but I remembered what I have promised to myself..don't be an idiot again..
officially this is the 10th year I fall for you..

Time to end all this..
no more stupid act please...
I will never regret as I already did my last effort and you gave me nothing.
no more putting down my pride just to impress you..
free from you..free from them..
no more hearty caring..we are done..

hmm..then what to do with this new number leh?
lol..just leave aside..really don't need it now
lets think about how am I going to spent this one week long holiday and survive..
don't want to get bored till dead..must find something to do
the first thing I am going to do tomorrow morning is to clean this whole house..
yes, is whole house..not only my room..since no one want to bear this responsibility..then I will go for it..
really beh tahan those people..how they can live in a such untidy and dirty environment leh?
but this time I am not that stupid like I last did..I will only clean when I have nothing to do..sometimes I will clean at least one week also..but after my cleaning effort, those people never know how to maintain and always spoil it..ishh..really feel frustrated when seeing things ain't in order..best choice ever I choose my own room with own bathroom..can't imagine if I have to share toilet with others..
really suspect that I have mysophobia..
I washed my hand N times a day..
I swept floor at least twice a day and I can't stand with it when I saw those hair/dirt dust on my floor
sometimes when I am using those public toilet, even its clean but I still feel that there's certain smell..
Even my body smells better than the toilet although I am stingy with sweat..hahahaha..

holiday!!
its holiday!!
hurray!!finally I can rest well and get prepared in this one week time..
cant wait to see my cleaning effort and some others plans to work smooth..
2012 is going to end soon..maybe the doomsday is coming?
I have no idea..just live my life..none of my business also since every person will need to face death but just don't know when exactly..and I'm so willing to leave this world if the doomsday come :P

happy holiday then

2012/11/04

04/11/2012


Its November now and week four for this semester..
time flies and few more weeks there ends my current semester.
2012 will come to the end too..and I am turning into 23 next year..

These few weeks I've spent quite alot...
and my pay for the Tesco diaper promoter job still haven't come out yet.
wondering whether I am being cheated by the agent cause I never know her before and simply accept the job through online..even though I only worked for four days in Sept..but 300+ payment means everything for me and I am really scared I can't receive it..sigh..

Finally my laptop come to the end of its life..lol..sent it twice to repair and it results the same.
even worst than before after I listen to the advise of repairman and change the hard disk & upgrade the RAM.
I am enough of this!!!now my laptop can't even on and directly blue screen in the welcoming page..
each time I tried to restart and its still the same..
such a waste of my time and money purposely went back KL last time just to make sure my laptop no more problem..the one year guarantee is nothing at all..at last I still need to buy a new laptop instead of keep sending it back and come back with problem again>.<
I am really poor now!!!the part time project that assigned to me I have to reject as I can't even access to my laptop..how to use the software and call over to S'pore leh?sigh..loss the chance to earn extra money due to this stupid laptop..argh!!

And yesterday I went to CC in aroudn 100am just to complete my assignment..
my group member started to urge me and ask for few amendment to my part..
actually I am already reaching the finishing phase but my laptop just keep restart and restart..
luckily I am clever enough to save my assignment copy into my pendrive..
cause after I received call from my groupmate, my lappy directly goes dead..
have to go CC and complete my part..so sad..
first time ever stayed at CC for so late and I spent my time there till 6am in the morning..
what a wonderful experience :D

This Wednesday I am gonna come back KL again...yeah..is again..lolss
this time I will go to search for new laptop..but I really have no idea on which brand to buy..
am idiot when it comes to IT part..and I think that I am the enemy of IT equipment..
every time every single electronic appliant will goes broke once they reach my hand..
my mom's camera..old desktop..rice cooker..handphone..my car and now even laptop..lol

Coming Wednesday I will be having my financial paper midterm..and after the test I will headed back to KL
after purchase the laptop and go for my Friday dental appointment, will come back Kampar again on that day too as I will be having the French midterm too..sigh..it really make me headache especially the listening test..last  class Sir give example on how the listening test is and I totally don't understand what he talk about in French, how am I gonna translate it into english wor : (

Put more effort on it la...
must believe that, I can do this..
Hope  everything will be fine after this..
no more laptop problem..salary faster come out to me..gain a better result..

2012/10/26

heart talk


back to KL Wednesday just to take my laptop back to repair..
luckily it didn't cost me much and now the problem solved..thanks god..
previously I planned to stay till Friday only go back Kampar as Friday is a public holiday
but Thursday after I solved my laptop problem and went to KTM station to buy ticket back Kampar
was told that the server system down and they couldn't do anything or transaction..what the hell!!
met with this situation quite a few times and I really hate this..last few times since I am not urgently needed the ticket hence I can go back and purchase another day..but this time I got class on Saturday and I must make sure that I could get back before that..haihss..

The moment I knew the system down problem, I was in an extreme anxious mood..I still need to take my laptop back to SS2 office there to have a simple briefing about the part time project assigned to me..on the way there, there was heavy rain and severe jam all  the way there..almost met with accident,twice on the way..ishh..I am just not in the mood to drive as too many things keep playing in my mind...how should I get back?train system down..how about bus?but I have to wait for dad to fetch me to Puduraya and ask for ticket..and he rejected to do so giving reason there's heavy rain and traffic jammed in KL..lol..I am really afraid that I can't get any ticket back to Kampar..my fault!!should buy the ticket earlier,I really don't know this situation will happen..

In that critical moment, I think of a new friend that he told me before  he will back to Bidor on Friday..Hence I called and ask whether could take a ride too..first time talk through phone while I am driving and I almost crashed a car at the roundabout junction..I did saw the car's signal showing that he wanted to left turn but I failed to press the brek on time..just few inches the accident will come true and luckily nothing in the end..the Toyota Camry old driver starred at me for so long before he left..and I am really sorry about that!!really really sorry..I admit is my fault I talk with phone while driving..found that my car's brek having some problem as this two day when I drive, the brek seems a bit loosen and I need to press so hard to make my car stop..
time to ask my dad have a check on it as previously I can easily made my emergency stop, but not now..lol..Thursday was really a bad day for me~~

However the friend will go back on Thursday night..what can I do about that? nothing..I just can follow as I really need to go back..If wait till Friday then go ask again the KTM later no more available ticket then I will be dead..first time ever travel across state in the midnight..11pm only depart and I thought as usual will reach in about 2 hours time..but after passed the toll I was totally amazed by the traffic's situation..all red light along  the highway,means that thousands of cars jammed on the 4-line highway..never met with this situation before..and even I knew Friday is a public holiday but I thought in the midnight the road won't be this jam and will be smoother..plus it was a rainy midnight, the situation goes worst..

Am really sorry to my friend as he still need to travel quite a distance from Bidor to Kampar just to send me
back..I reached my room at around 3am+..actually I am quite sleepy while in the car, but I not dare to fall asleep..leaving him awake and drive alone while I have a nap is not my style...plus I think it is safer I stay awake,can help keep an eye on the traffic..did try to share some travel fees to him...really feel sorry to him..have to drive for such a long time, almost 5 hours and I knew he's tired and bored too..time,petrol,mentally exhausted and toll fees..hope my share is enough to cover back all these la..and wish him have a safe journey back after sending me..really worried that there might be something happened and I will feel guilty if that happens.

Feel creepy when I walked alone into my house..went upstairs straight into my room and all my housemate already in sleep..it was so quiet and I am really scared..some of them already went back hometown and my house was quite empty....haihss..I am still that timid..be braver please? don't think too much then you won't be scared..tiding my stuffs and I slept around 4am..and I woke up early in 8am..what the hell..I am just so tired and why can't I sleep more late leh?has become a habit of mine to wake up early..no matter how tired am I, just like previously I slept on 6am, I still will wake latest before 10am..not good for my health ah~~

And yesterday before going back Kampar, have a heart to heart talk with mommy... and amazingly she supports me..I told her all those thinking in my mind and the lies that I tell before..I thought she will get mad and blame me badly but she didn't..finally she understands me and willing to let me go chase my dream and freedom...I am really suprised!!thank you so much, my dear mom..and my dad also acted stranger than usual..he treat me so nice after he went back from work..I thought he will be mad as when I request him to take my bus ticket from phone, he scolded me badly..hahahaha...actually Thursday is quite a nice day yea :)

Today is mommy's birthday..and I am not in KL anymore to celebrate with her..if not, I will cook a meal to her and bought her a piece of cake..I know she dislike cake but just to show my appreciation mah..never really celebrate birthday among our family members..me,daddy and mommy..with both of  them already 60's, they are not so into celebration..so am I..but I really do hope that some one will celebrate my birthday together with me..this reminds  me of them, which I stayed together with in pass 2 years..now they had left me and I am alone...all alone in this small town..living my own life..I am happy that I found my path but at the same time I am sad too..is hurt!!deeply severely being hurt~~I still remember on Tuesday I went for my tutorial class and met with her..I never raise my head and have a look on her all the period in class..listening to her voice and her smile, it really hurts me..and I pretend to be active in class..I sit in front row and answering each question from tutor..I just want to let her know, without her I am so fine and excellent!!on surface I pretend that I don't care but deep inside my heart I still can't let go all those happenings..

Gosh..I live so well just to prove that I can live without them..am I wrong?sometimes I am confused and I don't know the answer too..I always mentioned that I wanted to live my own life, but now? I don't want to live under others any more..!!its my life and all I need to do is for myself,for my own advantages.not telling myself to be selfish, but at least put myself as priority before others...I am the one that so stupid that will put others as priority before thinking for myself..its bad!!bad for me!!I have to protect myself because no one will do..when you care, you get hurt..that's what I've learnt in the pass~

next week will be my week 3 study..and I must study well..
don't ever try to prove to others that you are good..
you don't need to prove anything..just do your best for yourself.. and its enough..

take care to myself..
and good luck

2012/10/19

New starting


The very first week of this short semester..
I am quite satisfy with my result from last sem as I can see my own improvement..
However, needed more hard work to be better..

Taking four subjects in this short semester..utilizing my full credit hours offered in this semester..
those subjects are : French, Financial Accounting Framework 2, Financial Monetary System and also Financial Market and Regulations..

Considered for quite a long time and I made this decision.actually its not that tough as I previously thought as FMR and FMS quite similiar and having the same basis as I learnt in other subjects before..hence I believed it won't be a big problem for me to proceed. then French is another new subject for me and I am quite interested with this language learning..instead of choosing Japanese I chose this French, as I am not so into the Japanese.so so so excited as later I am gonna attend my first class for French..hoping it will become a whole new experience for me with this subject.
the most made me headache subject is the FAF2..lol..I hated so much accounting subjects and I am totally blank with those accounting knowledge..never have a basic on accounting and sad to say that for both FAF1&2 I failed and repeated again..dam it!!however, the second time taking this subject made me have a better and clearer understanding on it, and till now its a good starting for me..previous memories on the accounting knowledge are still fresh in my mind, and more exercise makes perfect.

Yesterday attended a talk offered by professor invited over from Korea..it's about 22 rules to success and it was really a fantastic talk..the humour of professor made the lecture class alive while he brings out quite a lot of messages throughout his humour..
He is actually quite good in looking..a standard matured and educated man..and behind his success, you can't imagine what he has been gone through before this..he said :

In our 20's, success does not belongs to us in this age.We must fail again and again, keep facing failures and that will made us a stronger person to face the following challenges in our life. Eventually after the continuous failure, we will be on the road of success.

Other than depending on ourself, the diligence and determination of us, you will still be keep failing and failing..and he is lucky enough to meet with a person named Chris and a chance that change his whole life..is quite an interesting life story of him and I am really impressed with his persistance to gain success.Even being a professor, he tried to commit suicide before his success. I do understand well the feeling of him the moment he tried to end his life before, as I am also having the same thinking as him. But because of Chris he see the chance and opportunity that is awaiting him,and he know he must step out his first step in order to change his life..and he did it..

I am glad too as I had the chance to get to know a group of new friends during my break in KL..and they do gives me new hopes and a target to keep living...sometimes when thing goes bad and you feel despaired, do not give up easily as it might lead you to another point of living with new hopes arising..I know, its some kind of self-couraging and I don't believed in that too previously.at the edge of giving up myself, everything was nothing at all and even there are sunshine out there, what you can only see is the cloudy stormy sky. But thanks to those who gives up on you and left you, they lead you to a better life..after the crying the shouting and all the crazy things you did, eventually you will wake up and aware of , that they are not worth for you to do all these and give up because of them.

Failure means nothing as it makes you stronger.
Injuries made you feel the pain and you learnt a lesson from it.
Without the pain, you can't see clearly and keep living in the dreams.

Time to wake up and brace ourself up for a new starting..
recently I am so in love in attending those talk as it inspire me a lot and I gain faiths from it..
Even though I am still a pessimistic person but at least now I am willing to think positively to overcome all these.

Thanks for the cruelty and the forsaken of you, I lived a better life now.
wishing all the best to me in this new starting.Good luck :)

2012/10/15

给爸爸的一封信


亲爱的爸爸:

这是您22岁女儿写给您的一封信。
其实我真的有很多话想跟你说,但每每我兴致蓬勃地开口那刻,您总是向我泼来了冰凉的冷水浇灭我的那股热诚
并不是我不跟你说话沟通,而是你不肯拿出那颗聆听的心...
打从我上大学开学,我真的成熟了很多,也许我表面上疯癫不认真,总被您说是个长不大的孩子
但你却不能明白看穿我疯癫背后心底那隐藏的沉重

人们总说,独生女很好,享有着父母唯一的疼爱,被呵护的如掌上明珠似的,任由你呼风唤雨就算要摘下天上的月亮也没问题...但我想说,独生女一点儿也不好,尤其是穷苦人家的独生女..
不是我嫌弃这个家,反之我很感激你们把我抚养成长供书教学,今天的我没有你们也就不存在是这世上..
我承认,自己有些现实..有时候心底在想,怎么我这个独生女比别的孩子不幸福..自不自由是另一回事,但我会去比较、较量,我会埋怨怎么别的孩子有的我都没有,某某物质享受,稍微奢侈的消费我统统被禁止..从中学开始看着朋友们谈论的世界里我的融不入,我会自卑、难过...心底暗自发誓,我要用功努力,把一切我所没有的都争取回来..其实,有时候我真的很累很累,为什么别人的父母能给与的你都给不了我,还要靠我自己把那些得到手..

中学时期,我要求你赞助手机给我,被你狠狠骂了一顿,说什么:你现在生意做很大吗?要什么电话?浪费钱浪费时间,跟我好好读书别说那么多..我哀求了很久,最后还是没结果..其实那时的我不贪心,便宜一架手机,只要能跟朋友聊天信息就好,但你不给,算了..用妈妈的号码跟心仪对象联系,结果还未萌芽的爱恋就被无端斩断破坏掉..我没说什么..随着科技发达,手机的款式越多越新,拍照啦,3G啦,音乐啦,我转而哀求妈妈买我一架,也被拒绝了:我们不是有钱人,随便用一架普通电话就好,她还答应考试成绩好的话就送我一架奖励我..
那是青少年的世界,你们不懂...发觉自己跟周遭的人格格不入,而我的自卑感更严重..别人谈论出街逛,新潮打扮,热门话题我统统不懂,因为你们为我筑起了厚厚的保护层,把我与外界隔离..中学时期,我根本没机会跟朋友出门闲逛,就算周末也如此。曾偷偷地跟朋友旷课跑到时代广场走走,当时的我身份证还被妈妈保存着怕我遗失,所以我是无证件出门的,那是我第一次跟朋友搭巴士出门,很兴奋..

手机与电脑这些科技,到了我中六才出现在我生活..而那电话还是我自己中五放假打工赚回来自己买的,我还记得那是一架Sony Ericson 价值RM800+...SPM成绩出了,我考了个6A5B,妈妈无动于衷,于是我只好以自己的储蓄买了它,还是在反对声之下买的..对你,我没说实话,只说是阿姨便宜卖给我的二手机,反正你也对这些科技不了解,算了...要被你知道我花了那么多钱买架电话不被打死才怪...结果,我的第一架手机在乘火车上班途中被扒走了,那时才明白,手机还是别买贵的好。但,我依旧不吸取教训,迎来了我人生第二部手机,Nokia 5800,几年前花了我RM1300,还好能用到现在,虽然偶尔有些毛病问题出现..对于手机被扒这件事我没告诉你,你也一直以为那是我唯一一架电话,价值不到500块的那种..

很多时候,是你的固执与不讲理把我们之间的距离拉得越远。我尝试分享沟通,但被骂了泼了冷水几回后,我也不想说了..曾经好几次我在你们面前崩溃哭泣甚至呐喊,只因为你们的过分保护让我很沉重,重的我快喘不过气来..上了中六日子好过些,至少家里有架电脑陪伴,我也爱上了博客,因为家里根本没人能跟我好好谈谈,动不动就打打骂骂的,我厌倦..有段时期你参了外边的损友,日日夜归,赌博喝酒中国女人统统都来,妈妈守在客厅等你醉醺醺归来,她无助哭泣,我不懂该怎么安慰,只是更恨你..心底想,为什么你可以这样,我却不能?公平吗?不要说夜街,就连平日跟朋友出门都不能,你自己呢?那时的我只想逃离这个家,令人厌烦的家。我讨厌争吵,我讨厌呐喊,我讨厌!!!其实我也是在担心你,我怕你酒后驾车危险,我怕你夜归危险,我怕万一你有事我会很彷徨无助..那时我才体会到,其实你们跟我的心情是一样的..我明白,我真的明白,但也请你们为我想想,你们不可能一辈子照顾我、保护我啊,要是有那么一天你们两都离我而去,剩我一个人的时候我该怎么办?我真的很害怕,所以我想逃,我不想去想、不敢去想、去面对...

上了大学,我以为自己自由了..我兴奋,开心,雀跃..跟朋友们生活一起是我没尝试过的。
放纵地活着,开心着玩乐,我恨不得不要假期回家,大家一起到处旅行去...2年这样的生活,我的学业最后却惨不忍睹,某一天乘火车回家,到了车站等你们接我,步出火车那刻瞥见那瘦弱的背影在黑夜里等着我,忽然我很想哭,我知道,那一刻我长大了..过往的一切统统涌入我脑海,其实你是为我好,我真的知道~~我只是不忿,是不甘

是否我太幸福了,幸福得我察觉不到那幸福。有些惭愧,你们辛苦供养我,我却在外头挥霍享乐,留下你们两老独守在家里。曾经,我以为朋友和自由是我要的,但那一次我上火车回宿舍的那天,望着火车外送行的你们,我哭了。去年的事,也让我看得更清楚,其实,家是最温暖的。跟朋友们闹翻了,我忍受够了,被他们独自撇下后我失控痛哭,打电话回家告诉妈妈我要回来,听着她着急的口吻,我的眼泪更加止不住...世界上最疼我的人,始终是父母..一路上在巴士里痛哭,我告诉自己,徐惠敏,你真的很失败!!!别人把你当草,你却把他们当宝,父母的关心也不懂珍惜。

其实,爸爸你的关心有时是沉默,我终于懂了。那是一种说不出口的爱,不会表达的爱,我真的懂..
但最近我回来,我们又有些争执了。认识了一班新朋友,其实我真的很喜欢他们
你却害怕我受骗,是的我承认几日的夜归是我不对,但至少我是在11PM最迟12点就回到了
你发脾气说我长大了,翅膀硬了会飞了就不要再回来!!你说,那些猪朋狗友是有企图的,你说我不听话,要买副棺材等我出事了进棺材了才懂!!其实,你只是关心担心,却用错了方法,听了你那些话就算我明白你又如何,我也会不爽也会不甘不忿,于是争执开始了...爸爸,我已经22岁了,在外地念书我还不是一个人生活,甚至还试过在外头溜达整夜不回家哪。当然,不能让你知..我真的长大了,请相信我好吗?

不是我自夸,其实我看人还蛮准的,什么个性什么企图我统统都懂,只是在于,只要没踩到我底线,我就能容忍。就如之前闹翻的朋友般,是我受够了才离开的。你真的不用怕我受骗,在我第一次跟新朋友出门,从他的语气探问,我就察觉到其实事情并不如我想象中简单,我自然也会提防小心...当然最后不是什么坏事,也感谢能有这个机会认识到他们,带给了我新的希望...谢谢他们的包容与照顾,所以请别把外人都当仇人,貌似每个人接近我都有企图似的,我不是千金亿万,也没美貌,真的不用担心别人会害我啦...

就算,当你说的是对的,我被骗了,那也是我选择我要走的路,后果就让我自己承担吧。每个人都必须为自己的行为负上责任,就当做是个教训,这样我才能学习、成长啊!!!你把我小心翼翼的呵护着保护着,就像温室里的小花不堪一击,到时我怎么出来社会生存呢?说真的,其实大家都一样是现实的,新朋友也一样,我相信世界上没有人会不计回报的为个陌生人付出,但至少我在他们身上学到了不少,也很谢谢他们让我看清这个社会,让我学会融入社会。其实我真的很傻很单纯,我真的以为会遇到愿意为你不顾一切的人,其实那都是假象。从来我都习惯为别人着想,但不是每个人都会以同样的方式对你。

对这个社会真的很失望很灰心,但我却无能改变这一切,所以融入是最好的方法。
所以,亲爱的爸爸,别看我傻傻的外表里我就是真的那么傻,其实我也有自己的想法
我会去思考,所以我明白你的苦心,但有时却很反感,你怎么不相信我,放手让我过我的生活吧
这么多年了,纵然我叛逆不甘却也屈服在你手下,因为我依旧在乎你,不想我们的关系恶化
我发脾气生气难过悲愤失望,但最后却也妥协。退让了那么多年,什么时候轮到你让一让我呢?
22年了,我活在你的保护下22年了,可否放手让我走自己的路,让我尝试跌倒再爬起来继续
这是我的人生,我要走的路,你不可能一辈子陪我走下去,我相信只要你肯,我就可以。

其实,我也爱这个家。但请别让我背负如此沉重的担子,我既要顾忌你们的感受,对独生女的未来也很彷徨无助,谁来为我想想呢?我真的需要喘一口气,轻松地走我要走的路
我明白你的苦心,所以也希望你能为我想想,体谅我,好吗?

宝贝女儿
惠敏  上
2012年10月15日


2012/09/29

semester break talk


Finally I finished my exam on last Saturday and headed back to KL
weeks before my semester break I already search through online for part time job intake
and on the night I came back I received a job offer start on next day which is Sunday
pity me..I didn't have the chance to rest well since my exam week till now

It was a promoter job located at Tesco Mutiara Damansara and I am in charge of the baby diapers
lol...my very first experience working at hypermarket and promoting diapers some more..
for the god sake RM80/day I worked like hell, standing there for almost 8 hours
checking the stock and some time I even went to loading area and look for certain stocks
I am so man that I  could personally move two big boxes by my own and those foreign workers were so impressed on me..wah, amoi you ni kuat la XD

Actually I am not so used to get help from others as I know that people won't like you to bother them
from the expression and talking tone I can sense your dislike..and in the end it was true
another permanent promoter told me that those two aunty promoting for another brand like to talk bad behind people and nobody likes them..proven my sixth sense is accurate :D

From Sunday till Wednesday I worked so hard..even my time start at 12pm but early in the morning I have to wake up and follow my parents went out at 7am..what the hell..can't even have a better sleep although I am super tired
I dislike my over serious working attitude ,  but it has become a habit of mine to get things done perfectly..
I will reach my working location an hour earlier and hanging around there..and everytime I sure get to my position 20 minutes earlier as I already been there..
my hardworking is killing me and really suffer alot..
cause myself some bruises in the process of moving stock..pain@@

Luckily it was just a four days replacement job..and I am enough of this life!!
never try never know, but once tried I swear I will not go for any promoting job again...
and my ex-boss called and asked me to help her in a one week project..
just a simple office job sitting there and given a call list to call and confirm the interviewee's info
same pay rate but the job scope is more comfortable..I like it :D

So many things happen after I came back to KL..
and I don't have the strength to face all these stuffs..
what I need most now is a good deep sleep and rest..
I am tired of everything..anything!!please do not disturb me and let me rest
this is life...no matter how much you hate it, you still have to live T_T

Wishing all the best to me for the coming days..
and I do hope tomorrow will be better and I believed in it..
gambateh ^^

2012/09/18


最後兩張考試我就回家啦
今天經過漫長的兩科考試早已精疲力盡
還好昨夜我沒堅持熬夜也小睡了片刻
得為明天的科目做準備我今夜應該不能安眠了

我快瘋了
腦袋快爆炸了

最近的心情有些難以控制
不是過於興奮難忍就是無窮的低潮
那惱人的眼淚啊是我的解藥
但哭過後真的好多了

對於未來我總是充滿著憧憬
但現實中我卻害怕未來的到來
那不知曉的未來我害怕達不了我要的
每一天我都在告訴自己:你行的!
我不能被看遍我不能輸我不能失敗
每一段挫折淚水流乾后我都告訴自己要振作
但其實我真的好累好累好累
也不知道自己到底能堅持多久
人的堅強也總該有個極限吧

硬起頭皮咬緊牙根
每晚那無聲的淚水陪我撐過了一切一切

我一步步走向成功的道路
途中卻遺失了不少
未來嗎?我憧憬卻也害怕
憶起那一路走來的孤獨我總是崩潰


生活啊就是如此折磨
竟懷念起當個小孩真好
今時今日的我回顧一看小中學的時光
才發覺那是如此的珍貴和幸福
年輕可真好啊

而那,卻是永遠也回不去的曾經
所以才如此珍貴
人們總是要在失去后錯過後才覺曉
我懷念年輕的歲月有著那瘋狂的本錢

不能再瘋了
長大了
太多的拘束
太多的顧慮
太多的經歷逼使成熟

就算你多麼不想成長
就算多麼留戀那年輕單純的歲月
我們也回不去過往

好累
真的好累



2012/09/17

my road


Six more days to go and here ends my current semester.
this is supposed to be my last semester,but because of me myself
I got to extend my study till next year..so do my internship.

Never mind..just take this as a lesson
and let it be another chance for me to gain more
away from hometown and live alone out here is challenging.
and this made me a stronger and less dependent person

Gone through quite a lot
and that's what people generally called as life lessons
without all these, you won't learnt and grew

It's really a tough life
yet we still need to continue

This is the route that I chose
and no one to be blamed
I have to walked the road I chose
even I fell or get lost eventually I will go back to the right track

Tonight and maybe tomorrow will be my sleepless night
have to do my revision for 3 papers continuously
will be dead soon..XD
enjoy this revision time bah..
after finish all these then I can relax for 3 weeks holiday
then time to add oil again..

Applied for few part time jobs
and hoping to hear from them soon

Good luck in my study too :D


2012/09/16

perfection


It's Sunday, September 16 the Malaysia Day
and guess what, today is public holiday and Monday will be the replacement
hate this as it is coming nearer to my following paper..
3 papers continuously on Tuesday and Wednesday..I'm gonna dead!!
I needed so much the library to open, so that I can stay focus and study there
and you this stupid holiday why choose this timing to come approach..zzZ

How nice it would be if I could spend me public holiday in real holiday mood
but not with my bundle of notes and hard remembering time
gosh...hate it hate it!!!

I'm totally in love with the study mood I had when I was in library
such a pleasant environment to sink down all the bad things in my mind and concentrate
and I do enjoy the air-conditioned space especially in the noon time
you can't imagine how comfortable it was to be in the cold library while the bright sun shines outside

Excited..today was really in a superb mood..
and without reason my mood was just so high..
until its too over and out of my control..
turned out all my feelings are being heighten and I am having a contrasted mood

all in a sudden I feel like there are thousands word in my mind
and I desperately would like to speak it all out
picked up phone call from mom and we talked so long..can't wait to go back KL and continue
but moment after I ended the call everything changed..it turned into dissapointment and anger

Seeing those messages in my phone and it ruined my joyful mood
hope that this will be the last time you guys approach me
its sucks when things get related to you guys and I don't even want to meet or hear from you
truly saying this...my life is perfect without you, so stop showing up again and mess it up..
hated this so much..seriously..as it reminds me of the wound and pain that I wish to cure for so long

I do love Kelly Clarkson's song My Life Would Sucks W/O You..
but in reality my life would sucks with you in it!!
don't blame me for being so mean to you as you deserved this..I'm done with you and I won't care so much, any longer..after what you left me with? Yes, I wouldn't!!

I am mean..and I admit it..so what?
its my life..and I will live for myself, for once..no more hearty caring from me..
the old me is dead...get killed by your bloody hand..and being burried at no where..

I'm so sad!!extremely depressed..
exam, please be over soon and I miss KL so much..
wishing all the best to me for doing revision in this coming public holiday

Even all those stuff are against me, I'm still hopeful for what's coming up next
can't wait to start my next semester and I've planned so well for it
especially when I think about the French language course that I will take..
arghh, I am over excited again!!

underneath my dark side depression there lived a strong mind
that I kept telling myself, eventually the worst will go
and I am expecting something new,fresh and better to come after
For several times I'm so near to give up but thanks to the depression,
it made me stronger and here I am today.
I'm so glad that I've learnt a life lesson and I grown

Nice day ahead~
cheers!!


2012/09/12

11/09/2012



Yesterday till now I only slept for 3 hour and less
finally, the first paper is over..relief for a while at last
really put a lot of effort on this paper as I don't wish to repeat again
weeks before the exam I have already done preparing all those notes
and everyday I also go to school library to do my revision 

But the moment exam period over and the examiner collect the papers,
I wish I can have the chance to make some more amendment on my last question.
it was the easiest ever question in the whole paper and when I first look at it,
I was like: oh my god..finally there's an easy question can score
but because of overjoy, I accidentally make a mistake in calculating the SD
few minutes before exam over, I still go back and look at in front's tough question
its just too late when I discovered my portfolio SD calculated wrong..
ahhhh!!!even the moment examiner ask us to stop writing I still take the chance to do amendment.
but just a halfway job and regret that why I so obey to the instruction of stop writing?
should ignore it and continue correct my answer what..ishhh..
thought can get full marks for the last question and now my hope gone..so sad
actually I am quite worried the front parts answer as I don't have confident that will get it correct
scared....please don't let me fail this paper..what I can do now is just to wish for more luck la..

Burn midnight oil yesterday and after exam my situation was just too bad
remain sitting on my seat after the examiner collected my paper 
and suddenly feel that I am in a strange surrounding with nice nice noise..
total blank in my head for once a moment I sat there
although it was just 1130am but felt like its already evening and near to night time
bought myself a chicken rice on the way home..I have been starving for the last 15 hours

However, I loss my appetite and the chicken rice smell made me want vomit
sitting in front my lappy and try to restart since it broke down yesterday and I did it
finally...so happy that I still can access to it but I know its time to bring it for maintainance le
ate only half packet of the rice and keep it for later meal..
rolling at my bed and I just cant fall asleep..damn it..
I am not used to have afternoon nap..
no matter how tired am I, the most I can only nap for 1+ hour and longest is 2
pity me with panda eye and yet still sit in front computer finding things to do..
after exam sure must rest one day then only continue other revision de mah

Haizz..looking at my face in the mirror
the dark eye circle is horrified and my so do my skin condition 
should take good care of myself..my age isn't young anymore
if keep still with this stay up late lifestyle and less water intake, I will be dead very soon

I am very unhealthy!!
I don't want leave this world in such a young age 
take good care..and add oil in the following paper
11 more days to go and there will be my holiday :D

Good Luck~




2012/09/05


原本平静的心湖
再次被你激起涟漪
消失了不就好吗怎么还要再次出现我眼前

努力地快乐着勤奋着
但在收到那信息当儿那美好却消失了
很努力地把你们排挤在我的圈子外
我甚至不想听见看见任何跟你有关的事物
而那该死的信息把我一切的努力都破坏了
每一回接触到跟你有关的事物我就会失控崩溃

拜托
若你要走出我的世界以外
请不要再次浮现那会牵动我心的脸庞

我的自我安慰
我的独自舔伤
在这几个月里我真的过的很好很好

昨晚如往常般过着我逍遥的日子
网上开心地聊着
认真地复习着课业
和期待着某人的信息

忽然,就那么忽然
信息提示响了
我是那么的激动,会是他吗?
但入眼的却是那久违的名字
我不是已删除了你们的号码吗

瞬间心底的是那激动
过往的一切再次涌上心头
就如你们把我狠狠独自抛弃那一天的心情

我努力平息已久的那激动破功了
整夜躺在床上辗转不眠疯狂地喊着哭着
连我最害怕的黑暗我也不再在乎了

黑漆漆的房里我站到窗前呆望
一个人坐在床尾抱膝痛哭
那可怕的情绪还延续到今天
骑脚车出去买饭却无端落泪
花洒淋头那刻狠狠地哭着

这,是你们留给我的伤痕
也是我人生里上的最宝贵一课

想起朋友赠我的一句:
在家靠父母,出外靠朋友
我呸,这一切还不过能靠自己一人
朋友吗,你对他交心结果最后自己是傻子
算了吧我也习惯了靠自己没人可帮得了
也省得事情最后我还得帮忙收拾残局

漫漫长夜那嘶喊是我的痛
狠狠地疯了一晚是时候结束了

两个星期后就考完试了
而我也会离开这鬼地方
一个有你们的地方

狠心的是你们
请别怪我的冷漠
你不配



2012/08/28

幸福?


再过二十四小时是8.29
没什么,只是这日期令我想起了他
是他的生日,第24个年头的生日

总是在期待也许有那么一天事情会有改变
总固执地认为着如此

今年,是我第十年为你疯狂
也将会是最后一年

我的第一个十年,心底总为你留了个位子
现在,我要把它腾空了

我脸皮多么厚
我多么的期待
我如此的坚持
就到此为止吧

我不会再厚着脸皮传简讯给你却等不到回复
我不会再漫无目的地大老远驾车兜过你店面
我不会也不想再继续如此愚昧

伤心,不算什么
都十年了我何时不曾伤心过
被你牵着鼻子走牵动着我的一切
哪怕是我一厢情愿我受够了

发觉,自己离快乐很远很远
远的我的青春年华消逝了也抓不住那幸福
一切的一切是那么的短暂

我需要一些不会消失离开的人
我不要你带给我短暂的快乐后却留下我一人离开
我不要我真的不要
实在受够了

从来,除了父母外
身旁的人总是不停地变换
朋友圈子也如此

很可悲
活了22年我竟没有一个青梅竹马
一个明白我了解我珍惜我包容我的好友

人们,就像穿梭在车站的乘客们
车来车往个人的目的地也不一样
幸运的我们共乘一辆车往一个目的地
但总有一天人们总会到站下车
要不就各走各的

我不贪心
我不属于人群里
只奢求拥有三五知己
和一个相爱的他

看着身旁好多人成家了
忽然有些羡慕

学业无成没关系,她有个家
事业无成没关系,他还有家
努力地想要出人头地,追求名利
却忽然明瞭那一切算是什么
身旁没人分享那也是一种悲哀

站在人群中
人来人往
发觉自己好寂寞好孤单

现实繁忙的都市里
人们都是寂寞的吗?
有时候狂欢后却发觉那空虚感更变本地吞噬着灵魂
不是不快乐只是想起了追求快乐背后那逝去的
那感觉真的好难受

二十二个年头里我几乎都被悲伤笼罩
那一丁点的快乐那享受显得如此珍贵
书本说:星期三出世的孩子都是忧郁的
是我懂得太早看得太远才如此吗?
有时还真的希望生命快些走到尽头
好结束世间这些折磨

幸福,对我来说真的好远
不是我不惜福
而是那深厚的忧郁感远远超越了我所拥有的
还记得5年前我写过的博客记录着:http://emptyheart17.wordpress.com/


幸福的定义是什么?
人生短短几十年
我们每每都在埋怨
为何幸福总是离自己很远?
为何心里想要的东西,总是难以到手?
得到了这样,心很快就向往另一样新鲜的事物..
就像一个无底洞般..永远不会满足..
所以..我们不幸福..
因为我们不懂得感恩..不懂得珍惜
所以..我们不幸福..
 
幸福,可以很简单..
当我们呼吸着空气
当我们填饱了肚子
当我们身边的人都平安健在
我们应该庆幸
我们真的很幸福了..
当你觉得自己不幸福的当儿
请想想
那些靠着氧气桶维生的人
非洲闹饥荒的孩子们
以及战乱国家的人民
我们..幸福吗?
 
有很多幸福..是金钱所买不到的..
幸福..就在那一瞬间
只在于..我们感受到吗?
 
我从来都不曾想过这个问题..
谢谢你们的一番话..提醒了我..
原来..我们..都很幸福..
 我这不是在自打嘴巴吗?
是我过度的贪婪才导致不幸福吗?
你不是我不体会不了我所体会的
我的自给自足我的自立导致我不幸福
我没有你如此好命,所要的一切有父母爱人给予
年长了,才发觉幸福并不如此单纯简单
也许比起某些人,我的不幸福算得了什么
也许不谈论物质上的幸福
我,有着不幸福的内心
一颗不幸福的心

夜深人静的夜晚
是我哭泣宣泄的保护色
悄悄落泪那梗咽是无人明瞭
但每一次的宣泄后擦掉眼泪明天又是新的一天
佩服自己的坚强但我真的害怕有那么一天我的坚强崩溃
那颗伤痕累累心的碎片就此散落一地,不蹶

喜欢发呆
望着窗外发呆
坐在车里发呆
盯着一物发呆

脑海里空荡荡的
好舒服

多想回到那无忧无虑的童年
那是我一生中最幸福的日子吧