phobia

Exam phobia recently
especially a day before exam..
my heart beats fast
unknown fear deep inside my heart

finish my first paper..
first sight look at the question I think its easy
then when I proceed
GOSH!!it spent my lots of time to complete the single income statement
end up in behind I dont have enough time to continue
roughly state out last few answer..
due to limited time I started to panic and it's a mess I did

dont have the confidence that I could pass this paper..
I just at the side line and any single mistake that cause mark lost will kill me
I am done with you, stupid accounting stuff!!
why I cant just be like those pro can balance up perfectly,nicely?!!!

relief after I pass up the paper..
finally it ended..
but when think of the possibility I will have to repeat the subject again..
really feel like my brain want explode and gonna vomit
hated accounting subject all the time!!

heading for my second paper tomorrow
felt that its quite easy too
but dont know why,I am just in stress mood..
dont even feel like want to have my last revision on that

fears...
afraid..
timid..
all keep playing in my mind now

when think of my future,my brain turn blank..
and super uncomfortable
it is just like a ghost haunted me non-stop
when the paper ended, its the most joyful and relief moment of mine
however, the time I start to do my next revision that awful feeling come back again..

sometimes I just live happily by auto rejecting those negative things outside my mind
but when come to some times that I have to face it, I am helpless!!
life should be wonderful but not keep haunted by those god damn things!!

gonna heart attack soon..!!
I beg you my dear heart, stop beating fast like being chased a monster behind..
its just an exam and nothing much to be afraid of..
where is the steady you?!!
where is the cool calm you?!!

totally sick when it come to exam weeks..
disspointed that I spent that much time
and in fact I can understand and do the exercise alone
why should I doomed in my paper just now?
I have to do better next time!!

exam

exam marks released recent days..
and my hard work pays in the end
quite satisfied with my marks especially the BOTM paper
counted as second high coursework mark I ever get in my past studies

and today the result for Econometric midterm came out..
I am glad that sir pay high expectation on me and he remembered me as well
get an extra 5 marks from mistakes he overseen..
average marks I got finally achieved
although not so high ,but at least I knew where's the problem after discussion

now only realized that I've wasted all my past time in doing nonsense things..
what for I cared so much for others and follow what others do just to please them?
I have my own life and every single thing I did today I bear my own responsibility
lived my very own life and don't have to regret when things gone wrong
its just all about my path and my choices
no one to blame and no excuses

I am glad that I'm outta the nonsense life
times wasted but as he told me: I am still young
there's still time and it just depends on how I get used of it start from this moment


''At least you try,and you sure will get the payoff ''
I tried to live my best
things and people are against me
but so what?

time will prove everything
cynically ,to those that leave me behind and who disappoint me
I am strong and tough enough to live my very own life

learnt a life's lesson
never counted and cares so much on others
especially those that doesn't deserved for your thoughtful caring
the one that you should trust most in your life is you yourself but no others

keep all your sympathy and kind hearted in order to survive
be the mentally strongest and toughest even when you feel like wanted to give up
cause after the great great despaired once in your life,you grow!!
2 more weeks to the final exam,wish me luck
study harder please!!
good luck

dreamt

coming nearer to the final exam period..

other than studies, I am planning forward for my dreams too

keep on searching information on self-budgeting trip to Europe..

the results dissapointed me for a little while ..

expensive flight plus accomodation and local transport

my dream wouldn't be completed in this short while

times required

need to save and try earn more money start from now

there's too many for me to spent in order to complete my dream

am I too greedy to start my first self-budget trip in Europe?

I just love the scene and historical cultural view in those countries

imagine you yourself walking alone in those beautiful cities 

and with a camera to capture the view and lifestyle there

independently

enjoying the alone trip

having the possibility to get lost in a totally strange city

that's the life I fancy most..

everything have to count on my own

the path that I am going through all  this moment

just hoping to gain new experiences in a new city

study harder please...

just put aside the far unachieveable dream..

stop thinking too far as I might get more dissapointment later on

EXAM~~

good luck to myself 

夢。想

每個人心底都有個夢想
不管是能實現的或不能實現

從小我們就憧憬著將來如何如何
【我的志願】裡頭那些可笑的願望代表著我們的童貞
度過了那無知的歲月我們依舊追逐著夢想
情愫初開的念頭盼望等到那白馬王子/公主
兜兜尋尋間日子就過了
開心過玩樂過人們也就散了


可是我們依舊不死心
年長了些見過了些世面人們也更加貪心了
每個人都會有一輛夢寐以求的車子
夢想中那設計一流的溫暖房子
跑車、房子、名牌全成了優質生活的標誌
不是人們重名利那只是生活所逼
這年頭里什麽都是提錢的


我也很貪心
我希望能有一筆無盡的錢
然後背起旅包環遊世界去
我要架起一架相機把周圍的點滴記錄下來回味
饑荒、戰亂、荒野的野生動物以及各國不同的風俗
一張照片能代表的有很多很多也更勝於文字
只在於那攝影師有否技巧及欣賞者的鑒賞
所以我得去學攝影學畫畫學語言
面對饑荒我得有神父那份使命為難民祈禱——我得上神學
或更有意義的是我能用那無盡的金錢施捨幫助難民
我更夢想能成為一名戰地記者揭露戰場的血腥也可悲喚醒人們的憐憫及感恩
爲了能把動物的一舉一動、它們的生態拍下——我覺得若我熟于生物學那該多好
我還夢想能繼續修音樂除了鋼琴我想再精通于吉他、小提琴

夢想很多很多但卻只純碎是夢想
夢裡想想就好
沒有錢的話請別談夢想
更何況我也沒那麼有天份去完成那成堆的夢想

礙於生活
礙於金錢
礙於很多的顧慮

其實我明白那些是無稽之談
想想也就罷了

看著身旁的人結婚生子
我也有幾個簡單的夢想
忽然也有股想安定下來的日子
不一定讀多多書攀上高職位才是夢想
看著那些年紀輕輕但卻有了家庭孩子的
生活是苦了些但至少他們是幸福的

懂我的知己
愛我的他
完整的家庭
再加上一隻聽話的狗狗那就够了

沒有跑車沒關係，普通轎車就好
房子嘛不愁，能住就好
名牌、消遣、裝飾那也只是奢侈的沒有也罷

幸福，就是我最簡單的夢想

be tough

first week of April and sooner will be my holiday in one month time
I can feel the time passes around
day by day and week by week
one semester ends and there start another new chapter of study

tried hard in getting things done
and I started to enjoy the busy life
at least there are things to do
and I put effort in doing things
seeing things completed under my own efforts, it cheers~~

yet sometimes lot of thoughts keep playing in my mind
especially when I let myself blank for a moment
I enjoy the process of getting blanked mind
its comfortable and I gained from what I thought of

have been pretending to be fine for so long
and now only I realize that no matter how fine you convince yourself to be
life ain't  fine at all of course
and it is just a self-convincement to make yourself live better

I am timid especially walking home alone in night and I told myself not to be scared

I am scared to stay in a noisy crowded place and I dont know what role should I play in there

I am afraid of the dark quiet space even a  little weird sound will get me feel unsafe for whole night

hence I tried to act emotionless whenever I face my fear
I wont scream although I wanted to
I wont yell loud yet I wish so much that I could
nothing you can discover from my face
only me myself can feel the fastened heart beat and unreasonable fears

I don't want to show that I am fear or that I am timid
I don't want my unsecured side to be seen by others
l find things that I am familiar with and stick with it
this made me feels secured

I am not that tough as I thought I could be
but I am trying hard to do so
daily challenges get me improved
and as ages goes on you improved too from what you last gained

looking forward for a day that I am a 100% tough guy
that I wont be easily affected by things and people around
face the fear and you are toughest one as you still survive for your remaining life

BE TOUGH!!
and all those worse thing will get lost soon :))

倦

活了短短22年竟開始倦了
也沒什么生活不過如此
玩樂過、歡笑過 日子還是得過

是那包袱那責任在作祟
挑上了沉重的擔子
還能盡情放肆嗎

做了生活的奴隸
屈身于那繁碎的枷鎖
年復一年日復一日
何時何日才得以解脫

有時真的覺得麻木了
人來人往的街道
人頭撰動的車站
繁快的城市步伐
一旦涉身也就無得脫之

好想拋下這一切
背起旅包架上相機流浪看世界
浪子的世界不錯
無牽掛無負擔
就這樣遠離世俗飄蕩去

我不願被束縛
我不甘心于平凡

這世界何其大
怎麼我就被局限於這小小的城市
怎麼我就過著與多數人無異的生活

爲了追求夢想
人們極力工作賺錢
成為了金錢奴隸
卻也漸漸失去了夢想
獻身于名與利的世界里

一生就此矣

禽獸

終於，四月來了
差不多一個月的時間又是假期啦
很努力很勤奮很有動力地活了個幾天
就那麼幾天我竟完成了不少耽誤許久的事

四月一日——愚人節
曾相信了一個玩笑長達半年
到重複翻閱信息那刻才發覺還有下文
是的，我相信了還傻乎乎的祝福對方心底卻暗自鬱悶難過

沒什麼
只是緬懷片刻那記憶

最近又犯老毛病了
就是愛有事沒事都回想過去
很多的過去我不後悔卻也免不了感歎
其實還是放不下啊

這兩天愛心氾濫
竟憐憫起那流浪狗兒來了
先是兩隻被人遺棄對面草叢的小狗
每晚淒厲的翱叫聲煞是可憐

而今早出門遇見一隻哺乳期間的母狗
前天跟隨我腳車后的黑白相間漲奶狗兒
我還三番四次地摸了摸她頭呢
原打算購包雞飯喂飽她肚子可檔口還未準備好
便跑到印度檔買了包白飯加了兩塊雞肉及一塊不懂什麽內臟
就這樣七塊半夠我兩餐的零錢沒了

她跟了我從家裡到檔口再回到家
開了飯盒準備餵食她不料一隻小狗自對面跑來
那母狗低聲地咆哮了幾聲可那勇敢的小狗啊
鬥氣洶洶地硬湊過來爭食母狗咬了塊肉到一旁去

那小狗啊可真兇的是
我見那母狗被逼到一旁就打算抱走小狗
可那小東西卻不識好歹咆哮做狀咬我
那一刻真的被他嚇著了
沒想到這小東西竟如此凶惡

硬收起了飯盒
拿到母狗面前她卻跟我挑食起來
只吃了另外幾塊肉類白飯卻不曾入口
小狗慢慢挨近那母狗咆哮了幾聲竟追起小狗一段距離想咬他
而蹲在一旁的我又再次被嚇到深怕來個禍及魚池

那母狗見沒了肉類邊湊到我身旁舔了舔我
愛憐地拍拍她的頭說沒了沒了她也就轉了幾個圈走了
剩下那小狗見此跑到我腳下兜圈子追逐跳躍玩樂
吃了些飯還捨不得走呢
這時的他沒對我咆哮
可見他那有仍些凶惡的模樣還真驚險啊

剛剛在面子書看了個短片
鬥牛犬咬死了訓狗師
那片段可真血腥殘忍
開頭不久我就不忍再繼續

一直以來都鍾情于大型狗
如那聖伯納犬、狼犬、勒威樂、西伯利亞犬等
但短片后卻發覺原來小型犬也有好處
那就是不怕被它咬死..呵呵


心想，那狗可狠啊
拍片的人也真窩囊不會搬救兵去
這短片也給了我一些啟示
禽獸始終是禽獸
就算你是它主人又如何?
也許我也該收起那對動物的熱誠
免得有一天我落得如此下場

當我伸出手摸母狗的頭當兒，我沒想過它要是還口我該如何
當我蹲在吃飯的陌生狗狗一旁那刻，我沒想過它要是失控發狂我該如何
就連我自己親手養大的狗狗我厲聲責備它動手打它它也曾試過發惡
心底雖有些害怕只不過我要變得比它凶惡即可

其實也不是沒想過
以往餵食陌生狗兒時也曾害怕
但那麼多次它們也不怎樣而對我只是搖頭晃腦的
是我幸運還是什麽
我也不知

也許跟人類一樣，每隻狗都有不同的性格
看那忠犬八哥時那感人的情景畫面
報導狗兒忠守主人墳墓不吃不喝
狗兒還是有靈性的但數量不多吧
只因為我們平常接觸的狗兒都是師資低的
沒那麼靈:P

爸爸老是那句，禽獸離不開他兇殘本性
沒發生只是時日未到而已

我妄想擁有一隻如那感人故事裡的狗兒
奢望它能明白我言語聽與我忠於我
但想想就够了
現實是多麼殘酷