heart talk

back to KL Wednesday just to take my laptop back to repair..
luckily it didn't cost me much and now the problem solved..thanks god..
previously I planned to stay till Friday only go back Kampar as Friday is a public holiday
but Thursday after I solved my laptop problem and went to KTM station to buy ticket back Kampar
was told that the server system down and they couldn't do anything or transaction..what the hell!!
met with this situation quite a few times and I really hate this..last few times since I am not urgently needed the ticket hence I can go back and purchase another day..but this time I got class on Saturday and I must make sure that I could get back before that..haihss..

The moment I knew the system down problem, I was in an extreme anxious mood..I still need to take my laptop back to SS2 office there to have a simple briefing about the part time project assigned to me..on the way there, there was heavy rain and severe jam all  the way there..almost met with accident,twice on the way..ishh..I am just not in the mood to drive as too many things keep playing in my mind...how should I get back?train system down..how about bus?but I have to wait for dad to fetch me to Puduraya and ask for ticket..and he rejected to do so giving reason there's heavy rain and traffic jammed in KL..lol..I am really afraid that I can't get any ticket back to Kampar..my fault!!should buy the ticket earlier,I really don't know this situation will happen..

In that critical moment, I think of a new friend that he told me before  he will back to Bidor on Friday..Hence I called and ask whether could take a ride too..first time talk through phone while I am driving and I almost crashed a car at the roundabout junction..I did saw the car's signal showing that he wanted to left turn but I failed to press the brek on time..just few inches the accident will come true and luckily nothing in the end..the Toyota Camry old driver starred at me for so long before he left..and I am really sorry about that!!really really sorry..I admit is my fault I talk with phone while driving..found that my car's brek having some problem as this two day when I drive, the brek seems a bit loosen and I need to press so hard to make my car stop..
time to ask my dad have a check on it as previously I can easily made my emergency stop, but not now..lol..Thursday was really a bad day for me~~

However the friend will go back on Thursday night..what can I do about that? nothing..I just can follow as I really need to go back..If wait till Friday then go ask again the KTM later no more available ticket then I will be dead..first time ever travel across state in the midnight..11pm only depart and I thought as usual will reach in about 2 hours time..but after passed the toll I was totally amazed by the traffic's situation..all red light along  the highway,means that thousands of cars jammed on the 4-line highway..never met with this situation before..and even I knew Friday is a public holiday but I thought in the midnight the road won't be this jam and will be smoother..plus it was a rainy midnight, the situation goes worst..

Am really sorry to my friend as he still need to travel quite a distance from Bidor to Kampar just to send me
back..I reached my room at around 3am+..actually I am quite sleepy while in the car, but I not dare to fall asleep..leaving him awake and drive alone while I have a nap is not my style...plus I think it is safer I stay awake,can help keep an eye on the traffic..did try to share some travel fees to him...really feel sorry to him..have to drive for such a long time, almost 5 hours and I knew he's tired and bored too..time,petrol,mentally exhausted and toll fees..hope my share is enough to cover back all these la..and wish him have a safe journey back after sending me..really worried that there might be something happened and I will feel guilty if that happens.

Feel creepy when I walked alone into my house..went upstairs straight into my room and all my housemate already in sleep..it was so quiet and I am really scared..some of them already went back hometown and my house was quite empty....haihss..I am still that timid..be braver please? don't think too much then you won't be scared..tiding my stuffs and I slept around 4am..and I woke up early in 8am..what the hell..I am just so tired and why can't I sleep more late leh?has become a habit of mine to wake up early..no matter how tired am I, just like previously I slept on 6am, I still will wake latest before 10am..not good for my health ah~~

And yesterday before going back Kampar, have a heart to heart talk with mommy... and amazingly she supports me..I told her all those thinking in my mind and the lies that I tell before..I thought she will get mad and blame me badly but she didn't..finally she understands me and willing to let me go chase my dream and freedom...I am really suprised!!thank you so much, my dear mom..and my dad also acted stranger than usual..he treat me so nice after he went back from work..I thought he will be mad as when I request him to take my bus ticket from phone, he scolded me badly..hahahaha...actually Thursday is quite a nice day yea :)

Today is mommy's birthday..and I am not in KL anymore to celebrate with her..if not, I will cook a meal to her and bought her a piece of cake..I know she dislike cake but just to show my appreciation mah..never really celebrate birthday among our family members..me,daddy and mommy..with both of  them already 60's, they are not so into celebration..so am I..but I really do hope that some one will celebrate my birthday together with me..this reminds  me of them, which I stayed together with in pass 2 years..now they had left me and I am alone...all alone in this small town..living my own life..I am happy that I found my path but at the same time I am sad too..is hurt!!deeply severely being hurt~~I still remember on Tuesday I went for my tutorial class and met with her..I never raise my head and have a look on her all the period in class..listening to her voice and her smile, it really hurts me..and I pretend to be active in class..I sit in front row and answering each question from tutor..I just want to let her know, without her I am so fine and excellent!!on surface I pretend that I don't care but deep inside my heart I still can't let go all those happenings..

Gosh..I live so well just to prove that I can live without them..am I wrong?sometimes I am confused and I don't know the answer too..I always mentioned that I wanted to live my own life, but now? I don't want to live under others any more..!!its my life and all I need to do is for myself,for my own advantages.not telling myself to be selfish, but at least put myself as priority before others...I am the one that so stupid that will put others as priority before thinking for myself..its bad!!bad for me!!I have to protect myself because no one will do..when you care, you get hurt..that's what I've learnt in the pass~

next week will be my week 3 study..and I must study well..
don't ever try to prove to others that you are good..
you don't need to prove anything..just do your best for yourself.. and its enough..

take care to myself..
and good luck

New starting

The very first week of this short semester..
I am quite satisfy with my result from last sem as I can see my own improvement..
However, needed more hard work to be better..

Taking four subjects in this short semester..utilizing my full credit hours offered in this semester..
those subjects are : French, Financial Accounting Framework 2, Financial Monetary System and also Financial Market and Regulations..

Considered for quite a long time and I made this decision.actually its not that tough as I previously thought as FMR and FMS quite similiar and having the same basis as I learnt in other subjects before..hence I believed it won't be a big problem for me to proceed. then French is another new subject for me and I am quite interested with this language learning..instead of choosing Japanese I chose this French, as I am not so into the Japanese.so so so excited as later I am gonna attend my first class for French..hoping it will become a whole new experience for me with this subject.
the most made me headache subject is the FAF2..lol..I hated so much accounting subjects and I am totally blank with those accounting knowledge..never have a basic on accounting and sad to say that for both FAF1&2 I failed and repeated again..dam it!!however, the second time taking this subject made me have a better and clearer understanding on it, and till now its a good starting for me..previous memories on the accounting knowledge are still fresh in my mind, and more exercise makes perfect.

Yesterday attended a talk offered by professor invited over from Korea..it's about 22 rules to success and it was really a fantastic talk..the humour of professor made the lecture class alive while he brings out quite a lot of messages throughout his humour..
He is actually quite good in looking..a standard matured and educated man..and behind his success, you can't imagine what he has been gone through before this..he said :

In our 20's, success does not belongs to us in this age.We must fail again and again, keep facing failures and that will made us a stronger person to face the following challenges in our life. Eventually after the continuous failure, we will be on the road of success.

Other than depending on ourself, the diligence and determination of us, you will still be keep failing and failing..and he is lucky enough to meet with a person named Chris and a chance that change his whole life..is quite an interesting life story of him and I am really impressed with his persistance to gain success.Even being a professor, he tried to commit suicide before his success. I do understand well the feeling of him the moment he tried to end his life before, as I am also having the same thinking as him. But because of Chris he see the chance and opportunity that is awaiting him,and he know he must step out his first step in order to change his life..and he did it..

I am glad too as I had the chance to get to know a group of new friends during my break in KL..and they do gives me new hopes and a target to keep living...sometimes when thing goes bad and you feel despaired, do not give up easily as it might lead you to another point of living with new hopes arising..I know, its some kind of self-couraging and I don't believed in that too previously.at the edge of giving up myself, everything was nothing at all and even there are sunshine out there, what you can only see is the cloudy stormy sky. But thanks to those who gives up on you and left you, they lead you to a better life..after the crying the shouting and all the crazy things you did, eventually you will wake up and aware of , that they are not worth for you to do all these and give up because of them.

Failure means nothing as it makes you stronger.
Injuries made you feel the pain and you learnt a lesson from it.
Without the pain, you can't see clearly and keep living in the dreams.

Time to wake up and brace ourself up for a new starting..
recently I am so in love in attending those talk as it inspire me a lot and I gain faiths from it..
Even though I am still a pessimistic person but at least now I am willing to think positively to overcome all these.

Thanks for the cruelty and the forsaken of you, I lived a better life now.
wishing all the best to me in this new starting.Good luck :)

给爸爸的一封信

亲爱的爸爸：

这是您22岁女儿写给您的一封信。
其实我真的有很多话想跟你说，但每每我兴致蓬勃地开口那刻，您总是向我泼来了冰凉的冷水浇灭我的那股热诚
并不是我不跟你说话沟通，而是你不肯拿出那颗聆听的心...
打从我上大学开学，我真的成熟了很多，也许我表面上疯癫不认真，总被您说是个长不大的孩子
但你却不能明白看穿我疯癫背后心底那隐藏的沉重

人们总说，独生女很好，享有着父母唯一的疼爱，被呵护的如掌上明珠似的，任由你呼风唤雨就算要摘下天上的月亮也没问题...但我想说，独生女一点儿也不好，尤其是穷苦人家的独生女..
不是我嫌弃这个家，反之我很感激你们把我抚养成长供书教学，今天的我没有你们也就不存在是这世上..
我承认，自己有些现实..有时候心底在想，怎么我这个独生女比别的孩子不幸福..自不自由是另一回事，但我会去比较、较量，我会埋怨怎么别的孩子有的我都没有，某某物质享受，稍微奢侈的消费我统统被禁止..从中学开始看着朋友们谈论的世界里我的融不入，我会自卑、难过...心底暗自发誓，我要用功努力，把一切我所没有的都争取回来..其实，有时候我真的很累很累，为什么别人的父母能给与的你都给不了我，还要靠我自己把那些得到手..

中学时期，我要求你赞助手机给我，被你狠狠骂了一顿，说什么：你现在生意做很大吗？要什么电话？浪费钱浪费时间，跟我好好读书别说那么多..我哀求了很久，最后还是没结果..其实那时的我不贪心，便宜一架手机，只要能跟朋友聊天信息就好，但你不给，算了..用妈妈的号码跟心仪对象联系，结果还未萌芽的爱恋就被无端斩断破坏掉..我没说什么..随着科技发达，手机的款式越多越新，拍照啦，3G啦，音乐啦，我转而哀求妈妈买我一架，也被拒绝了：我们不是有钱人，随便用一架普通电话就好，她还答应考试成绩好的话就送我一架奖励我..
那是青少年的世界，你们不懂...发觉自己跟周遭的人格格不入，而我的自卑感更严重..别人谈论出街逛，新潮打扮，热门话题我统统不懂，因为你们为我筑起了厚厚的保护层，把我与外界隔离..中学时期，我根本没机会跟朋友出门闲逛，就算周末也如此。曾偷偷地跟朋友旷课跑到时代广场走走，当时的我身份证还被妈妈保存着怕我遗失，所以我是无证件出门的，那是我第一次跟朋友搭巴士出门，很兴奋..

手机与电脑这些科技，到了我中六才出现在我生活..而那电话还是我自己中五放假打工赚回来自己买的，我还记得那是一架Sony Ericson 价值RM800+...SPM成绩出了，我考了个6A5B，妈妈无动于衷，于是我只好以自己的储蓄买了它，还是在反对声之下买的..对你，我没说实话，只说是阿姨便宜卖给我的二手机，反正你也对这些科技不了解，算了...要被你知道我花了那么多钱买架电话不被打死才怪...结果，我的第一架手机在乘火车上班途中被扒走了，那时才明白，手机还是别买贵的好。但，我依旧不吸取教训，迎来了我人生第二部手机，Nokia 5800，几年前花了我RM1300，还好能用到现在，虽然偶尔有些毛病问题出现..对于手机被扒这件事我没告诉你，你也一直以为那是我唯一一架电话，价值不到500块的那种..

很多时候，是你的固执与不讲理把我们之间的距离拉得越远。我尝试分享沟通，但被骂了泼了冷水几回后，我也不想说了..曾经好几次我在你们面前崩溃哭泣甚至呐喊，只因为你们的过分保护让我很沉重，重的我快喘不过气来..上了中六日子好过些，至少家里有架电脑陪伴，我也爱上了博客，因为家里根本没人能跟我好好谈谈，动不动就打打骂骂的，我厌倦..有段时期你参了外边的损友，日日夜归，赌博喝酒中国女人统统都来，妈妈守在客厅等你醉醺醺归来，她无助哭泣，我不懂该怎么安慰，只是更恨你..心底想，为什么你可以这样，我却不能？公平吗?不要说夜街，就连平日跟朋友出门都不能，你自己呢？那时的我只想逃离这个家，令人厌烦的家。我讨厌争吵，我讨厌呐喊，我讨厌!!!其实我也是在担心你，我怕你酒后驾车危险，我怕你夜归危险，我怕万一你有事我会很彷徨无助..那时我才体会到，其实你们跟我的心情是一样的..我明白，我真的明白，但也请你们为我想想，你们不可能一辈子照顾我、保护我啊，要是有那么一天你们两都离我而去，剩我一个人的时候我该怎么办?我真的很害怕，所以我想逃，我不想去想、不敢去想、去面对...

上了大学，我以为自己自由了..我兴奋，开心，雀跃..跟朋友们生活一起是我没尝试过的。
放纵地活着，开心着玩乐，我恨不得不要假期回家，大家一起到处旅行去...2年这样的生活，我的学业最后却惨不忍睹，某一天乘火车回家，到了车站等你们接我，步出火车那刻瞥见那瘦弱的背影在黑夜里等着我，忽然我很想哭，我知道，那一刻我长大了..过往的一切统统涌入我脑海，其实你是为我好，我真的知道~~我只是不忿，是不甘

是否我太幸福了，幸福得我察觉不到那幸福。有些惭愧，你们辛苦供养我，我却在外头挥霍享乐，留下你们两老独守在家里。曾经，我以为朋友和自由是我要的，但那一次我上火车回宿舍的那天，望着火车外送行的你们，我哭了。去年的事，也让我看得更清楚，其实，家是最温暖的。跟朋友们闹翻了，我忍受够了，被他们独自撇下后我失控痛哭，打电话回家告诉妈妈我要回来，听着她着急的口吻，我的眼泪更加止不住...世界上最疼我的人，始终是父母..一路上在巴士里痛哭，我告诉自己，徐惠敏，你真的很失败!!!别人把你当草，你却把他们当宝，父母的关心也不懂珍惜。

其实，爸爸你的关心有时是沉默，我终于懂了。那是一种说不出口的爱，不会表达的爱，我真的懂..
但最近我回来，我们又有些争执了。认识了一班新朋友，其实我真的很喜欢他们
你却害怕我受骗，是的我承认几日的夜归是我不对，但至少我是在11PM最迟12点就回到了
你发脾气说我长大了，翅膀硬了会飞了就不要再回来!!你说，那些猪朋狗友是有企图的，你说我不听话，要买副棺材等我出事了进棺材了才懂!!其实，你只是关心担心，却用错了方法，听了你那些话就算我明白你又如何，我也会不爽也会不甘不忿，于是争执开始了...爸爸，我已经22岁了，在外地念书我还不是一个人生活，甚至还试过在外头溜达整夜不回家哪。当然，不能让你知..我真的长大了，请相信我好吗？

不是我自夸，其实我看人还蛮准的，什么个性什么企图我统统都懂，只是在于，只要没踩到我底线，我就能容忍。就如之前闹翻的朋友般，是我受够了才离开的。你真的不用怕我受骗，在我第一次跟新朋友出门，从他的语气探问，我就察觉到其实事情并不如我想象中简单，我自然也会提防小心...当然最后不是什么坏事，也感谢能有这个机会认识到他们，带给了我新的希望...谢谢他们的包容与照顾，所以请别把外人都当仇人，貌似每个人接近我都有企图似的，我不是千金亿万，也没美貌，真的不用担心别人会害我啦...

就算，当你说的是对的，我被骗了，那也是我选择我要走的路，后果就让我自己承担吧。每个人都必须为自己的行为负上责任，就当做是个教训，这样我才能学习、成长啊!!!你把我小心翼翼的呵护着保护着，就像温室里的小花不堪一击，到时我怎么出来社会生存呢？说真的，其实大家都一样是现实的，新朋友也一样，我相信世界上没有人会不计回报的为个陌生人付出，但至少我在他们身上学到了不少，也很谢谢他们让我看清这个社会，让我学会融入社会。其实我真的很傻很单纯，我真的以为会遇到愿意为你不顾一切的人，其实那都是假象。从来我都习惯为别人着想，但不是每个人都会以同样的方式对你。

对这个社会真的很失望很灰心，但我却无能改变这一切，所以融入是最好的方法。
所以，亲爱的爸爸，别看我傻傻的外表里我就是真的那么傻，其实我也有自己的想法
我会去思考，所以我明白你的苦心，但有时却很反感，你怎么不相信我，放手让我过我的生活吧
这么多年了，纵然我叛逆不甘却也屈服在你手下，因为我依旧在乎你，不想我们的关系恶化
我发脾气生气难过悲愤失望，但最后却也妥协。退让了那么多年，什么时候轮到你让一让我呢？
22年了，我活在你的保护下22年了，可否放手让我走自己的路，让我尝试跌倒再爬起来继续
这是我的人生，我要走的路，你不可能一辈子陪我走下去，我相信只要你肯，我就可以。

其实，我也爱这个家。但请别让我背负如此沉重的担子，我既要顾忌你们的感受，对独生女的未来也很彷徨无助，谁来为我想想呢？我真的需要喘一口气，轻松地走我要走的路
我明白你的苦心，所以也希望你能为我想想，体谅我，好吗？

宝贝女儿
惠敏  上
2012年10月15日