Regret?

I'm the one that always regret with whatsoever I've decided previously
its a bad habit of mine although I knew that regret doesn't help and change anything..

met with an old friend and he taught me alot
nice talk with him and I've gain something in return
found that he is quite matured in thinking things and facing things around
applause to his positively living style and I really  should learn from him

I need to grow up more..
the recent me is not matured enough to handle things
the thoughts and the acts of mine indicate that I still have space for improvement
and people really should learnt from mistake but not keep thinking of the past mistake did..

it is suffering to keep living in the past and
the time you think back you wouldn't have afford to handle the pain and the sad
the regretness of your pass will screw your recent life and ruin it..


I regret cause I did so many stupid things
I regret cause I waited someone that is impossible
I regret cause I let my parents down and I failed them
I regret cause I've wasted my time again and again in doing unworthy things
I regret cause I let people taking advantages on me and I still treat them with all my heart
I regret cause I am not perfect and I always have to learnt from pain and mistake only I take it serious..


yeah, I regret and feel sorry on so many happenings
but there are nothing else I can do now to cover back my regretness
and it kills me for everytime I recall back of what I've done and why I did these

I've been living in the past for so long
and its time to leave it behind and go ahead
I know its hard but I have to try
at least give it a try and look for the difference

I  wanted so much to get rid off the old me
but everytime there are things and I never succeed
I block myself with the past and there lost my motivation to go on..

I really know that and I have to practice more
reality is cruel and it eliminates those that couldn't adapt to it
be a tough person and face the daily challenges as a practice to perfection

I might not be perfect
but at least I get my own conscience
and I've tried my best and there's no any regret anymore start from now!!!

gambateh to my assignment and the coming final exam..
take out some courage and face it!!!=)


Wednesday 28/03/2012
1218am

E.N.D

It has become a habit of mine to look for your daily update
everyday sitting infront the screen and just few clicks

I can see your happiness
I can see how you enjoy your life
your friends
your siblings

I am glad that you are happy
I am glad that you mix well with friends and workers around
I am glad that you have brother and sister that loves you and cares about you

looking at those funny picture of you
there are faces that I've never discovered before
your laughing face
your childish acting faces
your families picture

It's you
the one that love to smile and bring joy to people around
It's you
the one that always wearing orange colour shirt whenever you taking the pictures
a colour that indicates your outgoing and confident personality

there are thousands voices in my heart telling me that I should find ways to approach you again
but just now the moment I click into your profile
for a second I just thought of that I shouldn't interupt your peaceful and loving life again
everything seems perfect and you're enjoying your life
yet without me..

I should realized decades ago that I'm nothing to you
a fact that I never wanted to admit ever since
I keep hoping as you're the one who gives me hopes for times
but your reaction nowadays is giving me a proper sign
a sign that there are nothing else I can do to get to your attention

I'm not willing to interrupt you once again when think of your perfect life
I'm not willing to make your life imperfect with my continuous interruption

just wish the best for you seeing you living happily and healthy
its time for an end for my suffering as for yours
from now on I promise you that you will never hear even a word from me
and I am not going to catch your attention anymore

Its the end..
although I never want it to be
but at the time I started to miss you
please allow me  to have few clicks and view your happiness shown in your friend's profile
then its enough for me and i beat you'll never know that I still can find ways to access to your profile although you've deleted me and put your status all in private

As for you,I'm never exist..
ignore me as usual..

Friday 23/03/2012
0909pm

命

終於看完了【那些年】這部電影
看似很多的的好評，看過后卻覺得不怎麼
典型的台灣青春偶像劇，依舊那麼的沒內容
純粹個人意見并無惡意
還是鍾情于香港戲劇
成熟多了

青春，那曾經的青春
轉眼就過去了
沒什麼特別
就也只有幾件事值得我去懷念

可悲的我
可悲的青春

也許我真的錯過了什麽
但每個人要走的道路卻不可能一樣
我嚮往那樣的青春也是他人嚮往的青春
我不跟風，所以我的青春就這樣過了

雖然不怎麼精彩
但至少那是我的青春
也有著令我難忘的瞬間

很快地，三月就快過去了
末考也快來臨了

從未發覺過原來時間是可以如此的不留人
仿佛一眨眼一個星期就結束了
在變老的當兒才發覺自己經歷了這些年頭

總有股衝動想回到從前挽回些什麽
但卻明白過去的一切已成定局
縱然想改變些什麽卻也是不可能的

每個人心底定會有個夢想
一個不可能實現的夢想
因為我們都得向現實低頭

爲了討生活
爲了將來的日子
我們不得放棄心底的那片夢幻天堂

殘酷的現實逼使人們放下心頭的夢
我也曾幻想有那麼一天我可以過著我要過的生活
但卻明白那是多麼的不可能
生命里總有太多的顧慮太多的責任
阻止我們任意妄為

別告訴我只要肯努力所有的夢都會實現
那是不可能的
因為人們總是貪心的
我們總會要得到更多
那，就是我們嚮往的夢想

雖說要有付出才會有回報
但我更加相信
有時候我們還是得靠運氣的
要做到天時地利人和其實不容易

感恩上帝一路的眷顧
感覺自己很幸運能平安度過這些年頭
當發現身旁發生不幸的事時，我感謝老天爺并沒有讓我一併受難
但有時卻會奢望老天爺能否給予我更多的眷顧
我貪心我也會想得到更多

有些人努力了一生卻什麽也沒有
這就是命運弄人

Thursday 22/03/2012
0929pm

Me

cried for the last whole night
and today is the latest hour I ever woke up in this semester——1015am
I am not that kind of person that woke up late and mostly will automatically wake up before 8am no matter how late I slept

brushing my teeth and looking into the mirror
I saw a pair of red swelling eyes
prepare myself and go for an extra class although I'm free day on Monday

it has became a habit for me to sit infront the computer
listening to music
reading the words from others
and even doing nothing but keep staring on the screen
I love and enjoy the feeling of sitting infront the screen and let go everything

just leave blank my mind and keep staring
its comfortable..
certain songs and certain words will cause my tears to drop
its just me

trying to live a better life
but yet still not determined enough for a greater improvement

I'm really tired
and I've done whatever I am able to
hoping to see a difference on me in this  coming future
cause I don't wanna to be labelled as a loser
ever...

Monday 19/03/2012
0357pm

悟

周末两天的时间
追完了On Call 36
一部不错的电影也带给了人们不少启发

生老病死确实是生命里的一部分
是每个人必经的过程
打从我们呱呱落地那一刻
父母牵着我们的手学走路
花了多少心思培养、教育成才
一路走来到我们羽翼丰满了可以独当一面时
父母却瞬间苍老了退化了

我多想牵起父母的双手
告诉他们我真的长大了也谢谢他们的栽培
我偷偷地在心底盘算着毕业后
趁着毕业典礼我会带他们往北上走走看风景找东西吃
我盘算着出来社会做工后每个周末我可以带着他们去吃早茶
偶尔驾车载着他们去不同的地方旅行见识

我多想多想
但有时却真的也不敢去想那么多

我会害怕
害怕我所盘算的实现不了
爸爸63岁了而妈妈也57岁了
而我这唯一的女儿却只有那22岁
我真的好怕一年内的变化不在我掌控内

记得初中有一年妈妈去了外国
留下我寄宿在阿姨家
某天吃着午饭当儿阿姨接了一通电话
是姑姑打来说爸爸工作时出车祸了
那时的我愣了一下没给予什么反应
事后静静地我问了阿姨一句：爸爸会死吗?
一句我每次想起就会深深刺痛我心的话

我可以很冷静
但心底却会想很多
强忍住泪水摆出坚强的表情
别以为我不在乎不害怕我只是不懂该给予怎样的回应

从来就只有我一人
还有爸爸妈妈
除了他们我还能依靠谁
就算我多么担心害怕彷徨也只能平静着一张脸
又有谁人明瞭那掩埋在心底的不知所措及澎湃的情绪

我真的害怕有一天当我的家里只剩下我一人那刻
我会有着怎样的感受
我不敢想象爸妈卧病在床的时刻我的负担
我不敢想象他们过世时走在灵车后的我会是怎样的心情
他们离开后那空旷的房子就只剩下我无依无靠了

大学这些年我更加的独立了
所以当他们说我依赖时我只会对那人更加反感
没有人有资格说我不独立老是依赖别人
我只是更擅于一个人独自承受一切
人群里当然会显示出我软弱的一面
我享受与被人们拥戴爱护关心
因为我是独女我也想试试被姐姐爱护的感觉是如何
然而这一切却在短暂的2年后却结束了
没关系我搬出去自己一个人住真的没关系
因为我真的不善于戴起面具做人那感觉好累

一个人可以很好
偌大的房子里只有我与另一人

我害怕有些阴森的房子
我害怕夜里暗暗的客厅
我害怕那偶尔无故的杂音
我害怕夜里放学归家那迎接我的黑暗空间
掏出钥匙打开门那刻我总得装着坚强走进屋里
关上了门快步走到楼梯处打开那楼梯灯
再走上楼掏出钥匙打开房门等房间灯亮了再转身关上楼梯灯才回房

每一天我面对着我的恐惧
从来上课我就会跟他们选后排的位置
而现在的我却胆敢一个人坐在课堂最前座听课
我害怕交际却也硬起了头皮找寻我的课业伙伴一起完成报告
我有问题不明白也会到讲师的房间里问个明白
我不独立吗我有依赖谁人吗
就算跟他们在一起我也很少会麻烦他们有什么也会自己解决

我真的很享受自己一人的大学生活
是的，我失去了伙伴
但跟他们在一起我也只是一味吃喝玩乐
在一起讨论的也只是他人的坏话八卦吹水
是的，我的确曾经向往那样的生活
旅行逛街看戏甚至泡嘛嘛档至半夜或天亮
因为一路来家里管教严厉那都是我从不曾尝试过的
但那是我真正要的生活吗?
就这样我浪费了2年的时间

一个人很好
我不需要再包办我们的报告
我不需要再委屈自己打扫整间房子因为他人根本不在乎
我也不需要在一味讨好他人深怕说错话得罪人还得看脸色

我知道她英文不好所以很主动会帮助她做报告
我知道她每个周末回家要下车开门退车进来很麻烦所以早早就打开门迎接她
我知道很多我也在默默地做了很多
结果到头来我只是一个傻子

从来我只会以心去做事
而不会像他人般甜言蜜语
别说你了解我因为你根本不会懂

我从来就学会很坚强
偶尔忍受不了时也会崩溃
但你绝不能说我依赖
因为我可以一个人去逛街吃饭
我可以一个人坐在广大无人的戏院里看着惊栗片
我可以在没人的陪伴下静静度过一天而无需像你般找人消磨度过
我也可以在没人肯啃下那些责任时挺身扛下那麻烦

你不能
所以你没资格说我依赖!!

一段时间了我依旧在意
是因为我付出了真心我也在乎
现在的我们擦肩而过而视而不见
说真的我很难过但却也不会在妥协了
看着坐在我前面的你们我们却如此遥远
你们的欢笑大闹深深触痛我心弦但我还是得坚强
因为我绝不会在你们面前被看扁被当做软弱

请别说独生女依赖
也许她会脆弱但绝对有独立的能力

坚强的面对接下来的日子吧
希望爸爸妈妈能平安健康
而我所盘算的将来得以实现

Sunday 18/03/2012
1057pm

憶

一通不出聲的來電

一封無名的信息

原來還會深深撥動我的心弦

我依然無法忘記差不多10年前

我送你禮物後的那天那忽然的來電

真的有驚喜到而從此沒有手機的我竟然用家裡電話和你玩起misscall來了

而利害的是我們都很有默契撥通電話響了幾下后就蓋下

而我總知道之前那通來電是你

就算沒有來電顯示我就知道是你

你也跟我一樣坐著同樣的傻事

從此我就開始了期待你的來電

我無法確定過後的些日子接過不出聲的來電會否是你

但電話這端的我總期望著如此

這習慣到如今我還是改不了

我真的知道那都已過去

人也總得向前望

但我卻放不下

我說服自己你不會就這樣不管

我說服自己你會想以往般向我身旁的人打聽、關注

我一廂情願地說服自己你就在一角默默地

駕車經過附近

走在熟悉的街道、商場

我總在想會否能再次遇見你

看著你被標記面書在某某用餐娛樂

我真的有股衝動出現在你會出現的地方

我會特意經過你家門前的路

我會特意經過你的店面

然後不經意地往內望了眼

希望能見到那曾經的你

告誡自己不能再這樣下

這些年我卻沒真正做到答應自己的事

我一把這一切當做我的寄託

當我傷心失望或無所事事時

我都會再次特意地經過

不管順路與否

就那麼一眼

就够了

我真的可以放眼將來

但卻永遠也放不下過去

固執也好

執著也好

都10年了

無論我答應自己些什麽

我都知道那只是一種宣洩

不久的將來我依舊在重蹈覆轍

很感謝你當初激起我心裡的漣漪

因為就算風平浪靜了那絲紋依舊存在

我就是犯賤!!

Sat 17/03/2012

1010pm

piece of thoughts

changed the style of my space
a simple and clean design..
I do loved the old one but that doesn't allow music autoplay

finally I found the song Kiss Me from The Fray..
its really a nice song with great background music cover..
and its comfortable to listen to

next week gonna go back to KL
and I cant wait for the day to come
after the Econometric exam I will leave
hope that the wont be any assignment discussion on that period

actually i bought the ticket to go back on 27th evening
because there is an dental appointment for me on the next day and come back again after that
but I still feel that the time I stay is just too short hence decide to change my train ticket date
it's nice to be at home and i wishes to stay longer..
April will be the final examination period and I think i wont be back till I finish my exam

time passes that fast and there will be the end for this semester not long from now on..
must do my revision start from now and I don't wanna to burn midnight oil on the exam week

hoping that myself can be more systematic in all aspect
found that sometimes my response is slow in bit and gotta catch up
I cant complete things or give opinion in a short time given or on the spot
the things that I did or the words that come out from me on the spot is like ungroup data

I really couldn't digest all those information
and you couldn't just ask me a question and expect me to answer it on the spot
yea,I cant answer but just a simple answer and I really couldn't explain further
I will go home and do some searching or revision the the question you've just asked
and next time when meet again I will re-explain again the Q you asked for last time
and what I really need is time for me to restructure all the things only I can present it
quite envy those people that can speak fluent and do things in super systematic ways
I wish I could be the same too,but just needed more time..

home sweet home
here I come on the next week and I will be on the train at this time heading back to KL
hoping that the Econometric exam wont be too tough :P

time will prove to them that I still can live without them..
keep my promise to myself that I will be fine and alright
and I must prove that I am stronger than what they expect
I wont lose and I don't want to be underestimate by others

time will prove and you will see then

Saturday 17/03/3012
0753pm

舊

聽著古老的歌曲

那時的童年老師要我們手牽手

一排人向左搖向右搖唱著離別的歌曲

特別是在三年級時我們幾位跳班生即將離開之際

實在佩服自己的記憶力

我甚至能記住還未上小學的事

就算是一件卑微的小事我也能有印象

記憶好並不是一件好事

他人的每個字每個表情每個動作

我都印在腦海裡揮之不散

當緬懷過去

才發覺那時的自己是那麼的小

到現在的我經歷了多少年多少時光

陳舊的曲子

我的童年一時間湧現心頭

那喧嘩那打鬧那追逐

那曲子猶如棒子般打疼了我的心

提醒著我度過的這些年頭挨過的日子

我記得三年級那年

牽著手唱著這些歌

我也會拭淚難過

年紀小小的我也懂得離別之痛

從來就是個早熟的人兒

我想的我憂慮的重來不是同齡人所會有的

發覺我重來未曾安定下來過

朋友的圈子換了又換沒固定的永久的

小時候搬家幼兒園念了3間

三年級跳班后就轉校了

5、6年級一班朋友

中學新的朋友中二分班後又換了

到中四分文理班又再次分離

中五畢業后認識中六的新朋友

舊的全各自往外發展上學院去了

到中六畢業也散了

偶爾保持聯繫的就只有幾位

怎麼我就沒有一群從小學一路陪伴我到如今的好友呢

人們總會有那麼一班童年玩伴我卻什麽也沒有

我的童年就是讀書、讀書還是讀書

可以說是沒有童年吧

爸媽早出晚歸我寄宿阿姨家到他們放工再接我

獨生女不被應許出門家人也沒帶我出門

我的日子裡就只有家人和幾位朋友

可悲

人群裡走過

開心過

玩樂過

最後還是散了

我好討厭離別

我好討厭變換

我要的是安定

有那麼困難嗎

我需要一個人、一些人

不會在我生命里消失的人

我不要人們就像過客般走進我的世界

最後卻也離開了剩我一個

那感覺很難受!!

反復聽著舊歌曲

特別是那首【祝你一路順風】

不僅小時候

就連現在聽著哼著也會落淚

生命里太多的離別

我真的承受不了

陳舊的曲子

泛黃的照片

就是我的童年

Friday 16/03/2012

0200am

awake

today was a tiring day,or maybe should say yesterday?

keep on yawning in the class and almost get my eye closed while waiting for the lecturer.

and he dare to tell me want to cancel the class...wth..I've wasted time waiting in school..

as usual, it a raining day..

I just like this weather but please rain only when I reached home ya..

can't control myself from finding things to eat...

just felt empty and eating can help to reduce my emptiness.

my dieting plan spoiled..!!

just don't know why,I still can sit infront computer and keep on scrolling

time passes so fast..and I've been countdowning the AM from 2 to 6.

recently just like to sing in the midnight..addicted..but have to control the volume..

I don't wanna be complained by neighbours.:p

those songs are my favorites..

I like the music

I miss the tempo

the rythem

the lyrics

I missed the time having long hairs..

I missed the time i behave like a girl..

I missed the me that never speak Fxxx rude words..

I've becoming worse and worsen.

everything is terrible..!!

where is the intelligent and hardworking me?

where is the girly behave me?

I used to have fun and smile but the time has gone..

things changes..

will everything be better?

the miracle that I hoped for never happened..

God never give things easily to people..

you've to pay your hard work

you've to contribute

only then things will come to you..

Never mind...

time that flew away can't be chased back..

look forward and work harder..

it's the right thing to do now..

and i hope i can keep my word..

Wednesday 14/03/2012

0630am

盼

光陰似箭又來到了三月

找了很多藉口跑回家

其實是很委屈

但算了

就覺得生活很空虛

淪落習慣了就改變不了

偶爾的衝勁是件好事

但誰能告訴我該怎麼保持嗎

徘徊在墮落邊緣

至少我還堅持在邊緣而沒墜落

好想有隻手把我引回正途

那有心無力的感覺很難受

真的想大聲呐喊

老天爺救救我啊

考試

複習

課業

你

我消化不了那麼多

很正面地面對

到最後的負面應對

我還真行吖

我不要光陰似箭

有什麽能比劍更快嗎

期待著結果過程就免了

我盼得頸都長的結果

好期待