Hatred

There's few more days to go and here ends my current semester
same studying attitude just like last few semesters
and what I really put effort on is just small part of it

yet I am appreciate that my coursework mark not as low as previous
I can see great improvement on myself after I leave the so called good friends
still I am not hardworking enough to catch up compare with certain person
but at least I know I am better than those old fella that I used to live with

I watch movie
chasing drama
online chit-chatting
update my post
and the most important I do everyday
is trying to fix and adjust my mood

I was so happy that with the almost same study attitude like past semester
my midterm scores better than before
and same to my assignment

the moment I get my results and thanks goodness
I am really touching till I wanted to cry
although it is not some excellent achievements
but it is still better than previously my almost failed coursework mark
at least I saw my improvement ever since I left the group

no more hanging out
no more putting them as priority
no more pleasing and worrying that I might be get hated by them

counselor is right
from the emotional injury I suffered with
I have change all those sadness,anger,injustice and pissed off feeling
into a revenge mode where I was trying to work so hard to prove myself

I wanted to prove that I could live better without others
I wanted to work better than those people
exceeding what they have achieved

I forgave you again and again for the injury you caused
and like an idiot I bear all the pain all by myself
but with my uncontrolled emotion exploded last time
I never been forgiven and even being deeply hurt for one last time
the moment those words comes out from your mouth
I cant deny that I am blinded for keep forgiving and forgiving
again and again those things that I tolerated with full heart
I cant forgive you after all those poisonous words
because even me myself get pissed off I will never reveal those feeling hurted words!!!


I can be good to you when you're really worth to it
I can be bad too when  I feel that everything I did for so long is unworthy

worthiness plays an important role in my living concept
I am full with sympathy and I am helpful too
even a small happening around will touched my heart and made my cry
as long as you worth it and I am willing  to do anything
even me myself go broke I will still give the best I am afford to give
but come to certain level out of my bottom line where I get hurt and pissed-off

I can be extra cold blooded to those who hurts me

however it hurts me too whenever the revenge action take place
I acted cool just like what they treat me before by ignoring their existence
I pretend that they never exist even they just passing by around
I tried to avoid being same class with them and joining into my assignment group
to let them know without them I still can mix up well with others members

I tried so hard to revenge
I tried so hard to be better
I tried to put them aside from my mind
but everytime seeing them small talk and joke together
my heart hurts

nothing I could do to be better more
as everytime I tried to be better
it reminds me  the reason why I do so
and all those old happening just keep spreading over and over deep in my mind
I wanted to prove I am alright and I will be better
but in fact I am the  pathetic loser!!!!

I am all alone
and I am always the one that being left behind
its okay and really not a big deal

here I lived my life
everything goes fine
just that you're my only reason to have a hell life
that keep torturing me all the time

half year gone
and every silence night I was like being stabbed by thousands knife deep  in to my heart
reminding me that how blind am I to have those XXXX

how am I going to get rid off those nightmare and cheer up my life again
by putting down all those so called revenge actions?
I cant..

I wanted to let them know even you dont pays for what you did now
I will made you get paid in the very end
and believe me
I can do something more horrible,those illegally things
but for my own sake I controlled and I wouldn't
it's not worth for me to have a black spot in my life just because of you

am glad that exam will end days later
and I will pick up my super great mood with my true real friend
without have to be like a double faced person
a sad life pleasing others to gain for own advantages

don't you dare to deny it
because for almost every single person in this world
there must be some reason
people are using others or being used
and I am really sick of this act!!

perhaps I am hypocratic in some manners too
but swear to God I treated them with my full heart
try to give them the best I afford
without thinking about myself at all

it's sad to grow up
seeing this pathetic reality world
I really missed my childhood time as there's nothing much to be worried of

God bless me please in my exam
and forgive m3 for my hatred feeling expression
only God will know who you're in real
so stop judging me in your poisonous words
and make sure your hands are clean before you judge

in peace,
here ends my hearty talk