promises

first week of July..
and here one month gone for current semester
now only realize time flies and very soon will end this semester too..

this semester I am really a lazy pig..
always sleep late in the night and wake up late
even worst I am able to sleep till 11am..
actually i still woke up at 8am but after solving my bladder will head back to the warm bed and continue sleep again..
what a life..
totally is a messy and unhealthy lifestyle!!

before the first week of July end..
should put some promises to myself first
please do not wake up late ever again..
8am is the limit and try to sleep a little bit early
must maintain my healthy lifestyle as I was in KL previously

then come to the study manner..
current hard ship is not enough to cover what I've lost before
must put more and more effort in doing my revision
doing notes start from first week is my improvement
and now is time to revise back what I've wrote for those notes
besides that, I have to tidy up those messy and seperated paper piece of mine
even I am tidying those notes once a week i still felt that it is still quite a mess
check the missing tutorial answer and have a complete version of revision paper

and since now is already week 6, I need to complete those unfinished assignments..
don't wish to deal with the assignment from week 7 afterward..
time to concentrate and pay attention to my study le..
half semester past and here comes the midterm test..
really wish I could score better in midterm so that i wouldn't suffer in final
don't wish for it, I have to put it as a MUST..
need to set a target for myself to achieve..
I have seen my improvement in last semester coursework scores..
and now is time to make the limit higher..

I still remembered my primary school teacher that taught me for continuously 3 years
after the PTS result came out and I become one of the tenth student that able to skip standard 4 and direct jumped to standard 5..
she gifted me an essay book and quoted me a sentence right on the first page of the book
: Hard work cover up everything
you're an intelligent student,just that the laziness inside of you make you weaker..

I remember what my mom told me..
and it brings the same meaning as what my former teacher told me..
you're smart enough to handle your study,but the laziness kills you..

and I also remembered what my friend, ai yee asked me
the time I told her I have to extend my study and failed quite a lot of subjects during my study
she showed her suprised expression and said that in her  thoughts I am quite good in result
and why could I come to this extend..

I remembered the glorious moment of mine since my primary..
the achievement, the good word from others and how people expect me to be.
every time, people around praise on what I've achieved and ask their youngster to be like me.
once I was the role models for kids around..
but since ages ago those glorious moment gone
I lost my concentration once I step into secondary school..
even results were good compared with certain friends and I studied in first class for the 5 years
the achievement still, was just some normal result and I wasn't belongs to those excellent type..
6A's isn't anything for the PMR and SPM..but I am still proud that there were never C's in my result slip.
then I broke my record once I step into Form 6.and I even fail in my usual school exam.
and here ends my so called glorious lifestyle, forever..
I am really tired of keep studying and studying just to maintain the good name of mine
I started to do what teenagers usually did..
try to seek for love,friendship,joy and then neglected my study..
seeing what people around did, I try to find back what I've lost during my glorious time
and try so hard to out going activities..
since friends around can fail the paper,so why can't I do the same..
that's how I end up with 2 C's in my STPM result.. 2.5 pointer was just ordinary result and here I am in UTAR..

I was so hearty on try to maintain the glorious result and keep telling myself that this was the last chance of mine....
and yet, I am still the old me..
the half-hearted effort gone because I gain a greater freedom during my study in Kampar
even this is a small town, but with friends there are still a lots to do together..
steamboat,barbeque, mamak stall,western cuisine,celebration, trip,hanging out at lakeside during night
all those are things that I never come into contact with and so I was that excited, I am totally free!!

I knew I shouldn't say this..
friends around are the mirror of what you are in actual
sharing the same habit and same preference
like what she always mentioned: aiya, no need study one la..just let it fail..I know I will fail this subject,surely
listening to those words, and I keep the same attitude as like her..
I am easily affected by others..or shall I say that I live my life as what she mentioned just to please her?
when she said no need study, I don't study
we play, we hang out, we eat..

when group of us go mamak, another her will bring along the book and she was neglected by us..
and deep in my mind, my subconscious told me that you must be one of them in order to join in
and there started my super free life and I will only do revision in last minutes, just like what they did..

I know..
I really know..
I can't make them as excuse for my laziness
I can't blame them for what I did..
that's the road I choose and I am doing it

I just can say that I am over valueing them and I see them more important than myself
I do things that wasn't my responsibility to do
I spent much and much time on them,to prove that I am one of them
and I can blend in well with them

and the time we start quarrel, I am always the weakest one and get shoot by them
yes, you might shoot me as much as you like
but you never think that, when you're being neglected by them saying that you are annoying, who is the one that stay aside with you?
you never think that, the time you're sad and emo, who is the one that keep worrying on you and try to concern and talk to you as others just keep silence?
you never think that, how hard I try to break the death lock when situation get worse?
I never leave out anyone, alone
but when you all talking and laughing loudly cycling infront, who will discover the me that always keep tolerate and was hoping for a little much attention,leaving out at behind?
No, there is no one

I am enough of being treat like this..
I don't want to put others as priority in my life anymore..
before doing anything I will think first whether it will affects you
I raise dog, I scared the dog noise wake you up and the smell
hence I woke up super early to handle it first,and I dont want to trouble you as I decide to raise it
I went out but everyone else still in sleep,
I hold tight my key so that it won't make noise and slowly pull the door open so that the noise won't wake you up..but when you goes out when I was still in sleep, the door opening noise just keep disturbing me,even you know that I am still in sleep, you are still using the bathroom and slide the lock so loud..you know how shock is the the sudden 'bang' sound ?
you said that you dislike dirty bathroom and for that, every time I went into bathroom I help to clear the hair stick on the tube even they are not mines
but never mind, as I also dislike dirty bathroom
I am afraid that it will increase your petrol burden when you suggest to drive to school in the morning, hence I say that I want to keep fit and do more exercise so that we could just cycle to school..
you tell me that you dislike her, only then I started to talk behind her in front of you..and you told me that I am the closest with you, but in fact you and her always walk together,small talk and laugh,but not me..
things that I told you, in the  end she knew..and things that you  told me, I never talked it out..ever..
you are saying that she is so small gas and something try don't mention infront of her, but at last you are the one that telling her those things..
everything I try to carry out my responsibility and each time we have dinner together I will always get involved in preparation and cooking then cleaning, while you are the one that can sit inside your room facing computer or sleeping..only when we settle, then called you come down to have dinner,and the rice is scoped readily without need you to do anything..
so do you think this is what supposed to be? I am not your maid and it is not my responsibility to help and cover up everything..
sometimes I wish there are people with me together enjoying the meal and I don't mind I sponsor the ingredient and my cooking passion..
end up I took the wrong responsibility that in fact doesn't belongs to me

it feels suck and I am really tired of this..
I know it is my fault that I cant control my unfair feeling and throw things inside my room
but have you ever think that , the moment you are in bad mood you as well will bang the door loudly..
then the poisonous word that came out from your mouth, I was seriously hurt and started to think of my future..
what for I keep staying with you, try to give you the best while you are telling me that we are just normal friends and after this 3 years study, we all will seperate and no more relation..so why should you tolerate with my temper?
suddenly I feel that I am so blind  and put them as priority for past 2 years..
great, then what for I keep tolerate and tolerate with you temper too?
after the quarrel, they just leave me alone..in the silent house..
and  determinedly I wouldn't want to stay there for a second longer
directly pack few shirts and headed to bus station travelling home..
on the way,you called my cell and I didn't picked up..
I was mad, I was angry and I was sad with dissapointment.
and whole journey back I can't stop the dropping tears..is pain!!
is you keep telling me that if got anything don't keep deep in heart and must share out
but when I told what I feel- the unfair,wronged..you with your scorn face asked me back: this called unfair and wronged?
nice,I will disappear forever..
don't be so fake state in message that : so sorry, we decide to move out so that our relationship wont keep worsen, it is better and maybe we can back to year 1 scene..
you never try to rescue back our friendship,even once..by moving out and letting me stay alone..
do you think that I will back to like when I was in year one and still talk and smile with you?
No,I wouldn't ...never
after the pain and the wound that you leave me with, I am not gonna choosing to walk back the same road as I did in  year 1..time to be conscious and walk my own road..
even it is a lonely road, but at least it is happier and comfortable for me to walk...

I appreciate everyone that walks into my life and I will do my best for them..
those memories and happy moment are just like sharp knife keep stabbing my heart 
even I  choose to leave, I am still obssessed with the past because there are no way for me to release myself..
once you walked in my life, you are there forever..
even you bring along the pain,you are still part of my memory


see, every time I also can't stop thinking the past
and I am still living in the past..
a real nostalgia person..


time to find back my glorious moment although its a bit late..
I know it is impossible now to achieve a second higher degree,but at least I try my best..
don't matter how the result looks like in the past, is time now to fill back what I've lost
let this just be a great lesson for myself, that always put you yourself as priority but no others.
you will blame for others for ruining your life but you can't blame yourself for doing that..
it is your choice..and I still prefer to have my own choice and live my own life

please be remembered of the promises that I make to myself...
I have let so many people down including my parents and myself,and I am really sorry for that.
but thanks for their support and I promise...I must do this!!
I will prove to you that, losing me is your wrongest ever decision made and I will live better than you..maybe physically not, but yet mentally ..deep inside I must be strong and tough..