August

Time flies and here comes the August
this should be a lovely month and I loved August so much,once
The very first person that being so important in my life born on this month
and I did tons of crazy things during my high school time hence I had a deep impression on this month

The first time ever I gifted a guy
The first time I received call from the guy day after his birthday
The first time I felt that attending school is such a pleasing event

Each year his big day I'll sent my wishes
and he never suprised my during my day
even a simplest wishes I also can't get from him

Although, at last things weren't work the way I expected
but yet I still love the eighth month of the year
he is my very first wound that keep torturing and haunting me for years
I spent years to really let go the emotion I invested in
and finally I succeed

not really at all,but at least the wound heal and I can faced things about him peacefully
I am no longer emotionally tied with things relates to him

And I thought I deserved the happy moments after I knew her in my tertiary study
the same happened and she left in the end too
she's my second important friend and I thought putting all my priority towards her is the best
Twice her birthday we celebrated together and each time I spent time and effort to give my best wishes and memories to her

First time ever I created a hand made present with all of ours memories
First time ever I treat friend that good and bought the middle priced gift

Just wanted to show my gratefulness and appreciate her for being my closest friend ever
but it was just only my thought that I am the closest with her
In fact, I am nothing at all..

I showed my sincerity and how much I wish I can be important among them
I showed my anger,dissapointment and that I cared how I looked among you
maybe I am expressing in a wrong way, but that was exactly what's playing in my mind
and I showed them my bare heart without reservation
I will let them know how I think about them even the negatives
not directly but I am sure they will get it
my blogs and my attitude shows everything
I even directly ask you to read through what I wrote and hope you to feel me
I admit I am bad at showing my thoughts to the one that I cares so much
hence I will prove through my actions

You just can't feel my sincerity
and you blame for my barely exposed heart talk
proves that you don't know me well enough to accept my expression

I am not like you
I cant act nothing in front the one that I dislike
you talked so much of how much you being pissed off
while in the other hand you acted so intimate with the one you mentioned

She is annoying coz of her nagging and we keep a distance from her for once a while
and I am the one who keep pulling her in even you try to ignore her
but when I become the annoying one because of my over caring
you together with her is the one that push me out faraway and ask me to behave

For thousand of time I hated  yours acts
and I never came out with those poisonous word but just complaint with tears
I just cant control from dropping tears when thinking about my tolerance
but I still keep tolerate and did things that not supposed to be my responsibility

I compromise
I accept and I am willing to bear the burden
and all I hope is that I wouldn't be hated and annoyed among you

You're not the only one that feel angry and get mad
so do I but I never hurt you with those words
all the time I wish to have a friend that could stand at my side
together with me whenever I face trouble
and from what you tell me and saying I am the closest with you
I thought you're at my side but I was wrong

People changes their standpoint based on evaluation on the advantages
I try to understand you and I am always at your side whenever other talk bad about you
but I am the minority hence you choose to against me
this is  my thought on you after so long I think about the past

Or maybe I was wrong..
should said that I am stupid cause keep tolerate
I still remember the words from you
for once we chit chat and you mentioned:
you will never do the things that not belongs to you responsibility
and you will never compromise on things that you don't like

so clearly I am the stupid one that willing to do things that I don't like
compromise on task that not supposed to be counted on me?
I am just caring enough to take over the burden that doesn't belongs to me
and in the end I am the one to suffer
get annoyed by you when I express my unfair feeling

Your quote
【you will never do the things that not belongs to you responsibility
and you will never compromise on things that you don't like】
shows that you are the selfish one but not me
so stop pointing your finger at me and blame me for all

and I am so regret to hand out my true heart to person that once I pull in to not to be boycotted
but at last is the person that holding hands together and push me away
seeing you celebrating 23th birthday happily ever with whole gang just without me
I am sad too as reminding me the past two years how good I treat you
yet you're so happy without me...nicely done..just like the first him
everything was just me..that I cared so much and lose my value

I hated birthday so much, as it reminds me that for my special 21th birthday
no cake, no celebration, no surprise, no hang out, no photo
and all I had was just a broken present

For all my life, the touchest ever birthday was my 18th
although no cakes too but whole class singing birthday song to me
and made me a super big wishing card
even I am still not so close with them and some of them even don't know my name
that was the first time ever people sings and celebrate for me
and maybe will be the last

I am not asking for expensive gift but is your heart..
and now I know that you are the heartless
not to deny that once I get help from you too
but for all the injuries you caused and the wound you left me with?

I took 3 years to get rid off the pain he brought
and now I have left you for almost 9 months
still a long time to go for my wound to heal
no one will understand the pain of a caring person

August..
no longer my favorite month
as two August babies hurt me the most
and don't ever mention birthday celebration in front of me
I don't need it !!! pervert!!
I will walk my lonely road
eventually I will meet with someone that know me well
and the one that will tolerate me

Dear heart, I am so sorry that let you get hurt for times
be strong and get well soon♥