heart

Recently the air condition just keep worsening..
just hate the super hot weather and blurry whitish misty sky..
this Friday gonna go back KL and I am super excited with that
yesh,for my fourth week staying here and this will be my first home returning
Finally!!!

fortunately I have received my total payout and am glad that I received the job offer last time
one week time hanging around office calling oversea to S'pore dental for brief survey and some simple serving job I  earned my 1st rm900..
and for another 3 days walking all along those 5-star restaurants with delicious food
what I need to put effort on is just to write up the interview summary and I earned another rm800..
totally in a extreme happy mood the moment I received what I earned for my hard work
it's a great chance for me to learn more other than just earning money
and the boss offer me the chance to do intern in her company and keep asking to help her when I graduate..
hahaha,really don't know how to answer her and just take that as another option for me..
not so interested in marketing and research field,part time job is not a problem for me
but permanently? NOOooo
I know that you taught me a lot and give chances for me too
but really sorry that I let you down larh...

So..it's shopping time when I go back..^^
have waited for this moment for so long..
semester break before just concentrated on work and don't really have extra money to spend as I am a big spender and keep buying those useless product..
noticed a groupon offer of Mayfair slimming package and cost only rm68
then with the SO WORTH thinking in my mind called up my friend and lets have a try..
but the moment they hard sale their another so called DISCOUNTED package then I know there's no  free lunch in this world..
I am really not an expert in refusing people and idiotly I signed another 5 treatment that cost me rm700 as the original is rm1850..seems worth right?
really regret for spending my money for that..argh!!
only realize that: Hmm,actually I am quite rich de hor? xDD
big sigh...shouldn't been spending in such a wise way..imagine how many delicious food and nice clothes I can buy with the RM700 :((

luckily still have this thousand plus salary to cover up my loss..LOL
plan to have a simple late celebration with daddy when I go back..
father's day has just passed last week and I think I should treat daddy to have some nice food..
my parents are just old style people and they do not like celebration,always saying that it is such a waste of money..
So, for all my life, I have never celebrate my birthday,neither with family nor friend..
actually I'm craving and hoping that someone would be so kind hearted and give me a surprise during my birthday..
and seems that this will never been worked for this 2 years..
super dissapointed as every time I think of birthday celebration, they will come out in my mind

half year gone and I am still stuck with those old memories..
thinking of how much I've done and in the end how they treat me
I can say that: not only love is blind, whatsoever relation and so even friendship will make people blind too..
you work so hard to prove yourself that you care
what you hope is just to get some attention and concern back
and that will be such a difficult task for certain person

a little care words
a concern companion
even you just simply deal with your own part and stop counting everything on me
it's really hard to be achieved..

ironically, 2 years be with them and I have totally never celebrated my birthday with them.
don't tell me that your b'day always falls on the 1st school opening day and hard to celebrate..
even I can postpone my return to home town date just to celebrate b'day with them..
and the 1st b'day present they gave me is a pendrive, for my 21th b'day....cost almost rm65 and is a broken pendrive some more..
cant work after few uses..
how funny was that?
and here ends my 21th b'day, with a piece of broken gift..

I created a photo album and printed out those memorable photo specially for you during your b'day for second round..and that cost me almost rm40 with those material and printing
I bought ingredients and cooked a delicious meal for you and even give surprise pretending that we were not at home..even I am stingy after cooking, I still done it hiding up busy with these and that..even another she did not joined, I am still proceed with my plan
and when I come back from KL the week before your b'day, I keep thinking  thinking and thinking what should I give you for your coming b'day and I spent rm50 individually just for you with the chocolate bar,cookies and bear..cause I know you love chocolate and cute wrapping..

those all are my special gift after we had the official celebration together..specially from me and I did it all alone..
I am not caring on how much I've spent, but you just cant see my heart and my sincere..
for a person that never celebrate b'day with cake, it is just my dreamt b'day suprise and I gave all my best to you all..
I tried so hard to have a great memories with them and every time I am the one that keep snapping photo, as a sign of memories and fun we went through..
there were always them in our photo and I tried to snap those naturally, nice photo
and what they really did is keep uploading my ugly and purposely photo..
no surprises at all and I even don't mind if you upload, as long as it keeps all of us happy..
but when I snapped photo that you think is ugly you will just delete it and prohibit me from exposing them..even you get mad when those so called ugly photo get posted..
what for? life is just for fun sharing and even I can allow you to do so, why cant you?

this is what I call as the heart...
you have the heart, even a small little thing you will notice
and with heart, even you give me the cheapest ever gift I will still smile sweetly..
but with regret I could tell, I cant feel your heart..
not only in the b'day manner, even in daily life also the same..

super big sigh, I am really out of my topic...from father's day celebration I also can lead to them..it really hurt me most, and I am still in exact pain every single time things relate me to them..the moment I type those above words and thinking of what we've been pass through, even my tears cant stop dropping..how much I wish I could leave this hell place, a place that have their existence and it broke my heart,deeply..

Friday,I am really hoping for your arrival..
1st time in this semester I am coming back to KL and I cant wait for it..
shopping
celebration
and maybe time to meet with old old friends..
every thing seems so perfect when I am in KL


word of my life that given from you:
We are just normal friend, after 3 years we seperate then no more contact already,so why should I stand and tolerate with you temper?
thanks for the advise and I will keep it in my mind, forever!!
those words keep stabbing me like a sharp knife every single night
and maybe I should remain the old me, just keep away from friends around..
without giving out your heart, you wouldn't get hurt

it makes me see clearer that, even I have less contact with friends in KL, but they are my true friends.. I don't need friends that always stick together, please each other and friends with mask..
and really thanks for this precious life lesson...

am glad that I leave and even I living my single life,daily
I am still happy and relief
at least there are no more extra burden for me to put on
lonely? so what..
I am used to it

通膨?

寧靜的夜晚溫習著功課
順便邊瀏覽網站邊聽著歌曲
說實在每個夜晚重複著這樣的生活時
肚子總是不爭氣地咕嚕著
而我也很有毅力的控制住了

雖如此但美食的畫面它的香味
卻一一飄入我腦海裡
在宿舍這裡我可吃的清淡了
我就是要省多些錢好回到KL吃個夠

其實金寶這裡也沒什麼好東西吃的
選擇不多味道也一般而已
連基本的粥飯麵食那可口程度也不如自己家鄉好
說實在真的有點兒膩了

想著做訪談時那廚師給我們試食的好東西
看著他親手烹調處理的食材我現在還在流口水呢
不過試食是一回事
平日的我可不會那麼浪費錢到五星酒家吃一餐
單是那天他給我們弄的那塊魚
一小份加一些食材顏色點綴一碟要價RM80+
天啊，又吃不飽但味道還可以啦
沒辦法，那是官員部長們常光顧的餐館
那是我們平常人能去的呢

這個世界越來越餓講究的就是——金錢
沒有金錢你別想存活在這世界上
而那可惡的通貨膨脹率從來都有增無減
平日外邊普通的雜飯要價也越高
簡單幾樣青菜而已還有一小點兒白飯
分分鐘花掉五塊錢去
更何況是那些購物中心內的餐館
再加上服務稅及政府抽稅有時真的覺得很不值得
猶記得做訪談時趁空閒時間新加坡客戶請了我一客乳酪
在bangsar village對面的有一隻牛雕像做招牌的一家店
忘了什麽名我只記得一小杯的乳酪要價RM10而且還是plain  yogurt而已
當然不必我出錢我很樂意光顧的但還是覺得很不值得咯
還有在pavillion等做訪談時在某咖啡廳坐了一會兒
那家好像叫expressamente的咖啡廳我叫了一杯double Expresso就RM11了
而且那杯還是超級小杯的猶如縮小版的高腳杯喝兩三口就沒了
味道超級難喝的我也聞不到店裡有咖啡香
但就不明白為何那麼多人會去光顧@@

就連新加坡同事也跟我抱怨馬來西亞的東西很貴
比起新加坡還來得貴
同樣的我們賺馬幣兩千他們賺新幣四千
我們的消費卻比他們高出很多
她還問我爲什麽會這樣難道我們國家的standard比他們好嗎
哈哈我真的不會回答

可憐我們這一代的人
那可惡的通膨帶給社會的影響太大了
該說是自己窮？追不上時代？還是...
到購物中心走走你會發覺很多的中學生
小小年紀就已經到某某高級餐廳搖腳吃東西了
還不會賺錢就學人家去喝Starbucks吃日本餐
一手埲著名牌包穿了一身名牌還要拿著i-phone或galaxy tab
這到底是什麽時代?!!!
也許是人家家裡錢多得沒地方花吧

父母親說的沒錯
現在的年輕人真的不會想
追求的只是歡樂與享受
長大了我也開始認同父母所說的一切
雖然我曾經也試過叛逆頂撞
無可否認他們說的是事實
自己出來生活這幾年看見了許多
號稱大學生的某些人就連簡單的打掃整潔也不願下功夫
一塌糊塗的生活壞習慣其實大家都一樣
也標籤了我們缺乏的責任感

別認為父母嘮叨是他們長氣及落伍
這世界的一切他們都看在眼裡
是有智慧的
沒到那個年齡境界是體會不了的
我也終於深切明白父母的苦心（唉，我也老了)

算了吧，新時代的生活怎麼會跟以前相同呢
人的習性也隨著改變了吧
還真是不堪入目啊
所以，爲了追的上這通膨
我得努力賺假期津貼
再努力存錢好能帶父母去體驗著新時代的通膨生活
偶爾的享受是可以被接受的:P
但還是得省些用啊因為再過些年以後
買一間普通的房子動不動就上百萬了
我怎麼負擔得起呢
通膨啊你這混蛋!!

假期一角

終於開學第二個星期

還蠻享受自己一個人的生活

假期也過得蠻充實學到了很多東西

在待人處事方面也許依舊青澀

但感謝他們的教導與提拔讓我獲益不淺

親身體驗到了社會上的社交禮儀

特別是第一天外出做訪談時我不知所措的站在那兒

等到同事及客戶對我微笑、詢問及握手我才反應過來

要知道那時的我是多麼的僵硬

何時能坐下

何時該握手

該給與怎樣的反應

我都是一天一天學下來

沒辦法我根本不適應那氣氛那環境

五星級酒店及餐館

二三十幾年經驗的大廚

有的還是米其林三星級大廚吶

我是多麼的緊張

我的責任不到只是負責聽及做短報

就如秘書般把重點記下

偶爾幫忙翻譯我們馬來西亞的語言文化

我那新加坡同事可搞不太清楚

還好有個錄音機幫忙

回家整理一下就好

聽著他們流暢的英語

真羡慕又佩服

這一次的訪談改變了我對廚師的看法

傳統上認為廚師只不過是低賤的工作

只是呆在廚房裡懂得烹飪的傢伙

原來他們不止要會煮東西

還要會工商管理的東西

應用不同的原理

客戶及老闆的溝通

危機處理

都是很考驗的

說實在，這份工做的蠻不自在的

事前老闆提醒不能像平日的打扮

還跟我強調那些事高級場所牛仔褲及球鞋也不能

一定要formal打扮

對我來說formal即是西裝及高跟鞋

那麼巧我的上班服presentation服全都留在金寶宿舍

臨時臨急在訪談前晚就為自己添購了整兩百余元的服裝

愛死了我那件新買的短西裙

要是我能像從前般54kg那就完美了

多出的十公斤顯得那麼礙眼

原本打算穿回以前去師訓面試的BATA鞋子的

以前還嫌它難看現在才發現配了短裙它是多麼的漂亮

可惜上班前3小時我在巴剎吃東西時它竟然開口了

沒辦法，07/08年買的鞋子穿過那麼一次就放在盒子內沒動過

它竟然壞掉了!!我的天啊

剛巧那天我沒駕車出門上班

而我的鞋子竟然壞掉!!我該怎麼辦?!!!

怎麼國都這個爛巴剎一個鞋檔也沒有!!

只好搭的士到另一個巴剎買了雙新鞋

穿了雙新鞋滿街跑，我的腳是痛到...!!

我們去了Carcosa, pavillion,subang holiday villa,bangsar village,dorsett regency,the gardens...

還在Pavillion 迷路了..OMG!!隨著訪談時間的接近

我幾乎用跑的，在那麼高級的場所

穿著短裙，提著手提電腦包，踩著高跟鞋

氣喘喘滿頭大汗的跑遍pavillion的東南西北

只爲了找那個可惡的texi drop off point還要是對著某某酒店的那個的士站

那麼多的士站就非那個站不可

我問了很多人，餐館的、保安、的士司機、詢問處....

被他們點來點去東奔西撲卻全都是錯的

我這個kl人帶著新加坡同事找著出口是多麼【魚】的一件事

到最後幸好另一位來meet我們的同事找到了我們

原來那該死的drop off point是那個在室內的drop off

我最有印象的地方因為之前去過那裡一次

發現很多靚車停放客人及車保幫忙泊車的地方

好像還有一間Jaguar show room 那裡

又不要講好好來，害我跑了那麼多冤枉路haizz..

直接跟我說在jaguar showroom 那裡不就好咯@@

第二天的訪談做到晚上10點多左右，共5個訪談

最後的在the gardens 那裡，那廚師的英文好爛耶

害我要做翻譯，他的馬來語表達我的同事根本聽不懂

結果結束后整11點了我還要走去midvalley 搭火車回家去

本想叫爸爸來載我的才想起我的車泊在火車站

還要是在離火車站最偏遠的空地旁

因為早上去到時已經沒位了

midvalley 站的人寥寥無幾

但慶倖至少還有人

到了kl sentral 才發覺還有很多人這個時候才放工呢

在火車上我發現附近坐了位很面熟的人

想了很久就叫了她幾聲卻沒回應

走上前叫了她一下才發現認錯人了

又再【魚】了一次

算吧

到了segambut站才發覺我認錯的那位也在這站下車

爸爸早已在火車站等了我好幾個小時

被他嘮叨了很久說那麼夜很危險

其實也還好啦

我也以為沒什麼人會在segambut站下車，卻蠻多人的

不過還是有點恐怖啦我的車在偏遠的天橋底下空地旁

附近還有建築工程及很多工廠

是有些怕

而最後一天只有一個訪談

回到segambut 只有6點左右

想了想我也很久沒走夜市了

剛巧星期五那裡有夜市就去逛逛

到了才發覺沒什麼特別我沒什麼要買

其實我只想去那走走看會否有個巧遇

他的家就在附近我也特地把車泊在他家附近

根本不愛夜市：人多、煙多、吵雜

我討厭跟別人有身體接觸，超級厭惡!!

隨便買了小食就回家去

路途上遇上了意外

一輛羅厘看到我來著還要衝出來停在半個黃格上

我是直路嘛當然繞過他的尾巴繼續我的路咯

誰知道對面線來了輛摩多從羅厘尾后衝出來我的線過對面去

還好我當時已經放慢了速度被它那麼一嚇來個緊急刹車

我都撞上了我的駕駛盤

摩多也緊急刹車了

差那麼一點點我就撞到他了

那是一位馬來仔

我很不爽地比了他個手勢(当然不是中指，像oooiiii那样)

他卻叫喧起來，像要發狂似的

猛提著他的摩多車頭騎在上面想撞我的車頭似的

爲了不惹事就做了個【請】的手勢讓他過，順便道歉

他卻跑到我的車窗旁敲我的鏡子，我便絞下車窗問他幹嘛?

他：u bodoh kah？buta kau..tak nampak petak kuning,tak tau henti?

我：u sendiri yang melulur keluar dulu eh, saya ini jalan terus,kenapa nak henti?u mao keluar junction sendiri tengok mah..

他：saya tak peduli,  tadi kenapa lu tak henti?nampak petak kuning henti lah,bodoh?

我： sini tak ada traffic light, lagipun tadi lorry itu henti separuh di petak kuning, dia yang salah lah...apa kena mengena dgn aku? 

他： eh, bodoh!!saya kata petak kuning u tak tau henti kah? x tau law kah? x belajar keh?

我：ok, sorry..!!tadi lorry itu henti separuh, saya sini jalan lurus, tak ada traffic light saya pun tak henti lo,ok? sorry..lorry itu telah menghalang line sebelah u sana, saya pun tak nampak u keluar dari sana mah..

他：ya,ok, lorry itu salau, u pun salah, tengok petak kuning henti lah!!buat apa petak kuning tu di sana? 

我：ya,ok..sorry..

他：u tu kereta, saya motor, kalao langgar,siapa mati dulu? saya yang mati!! tau?!!tak ada traffic pun kena henti sekejap la, tengok tu petak kuning?lain kali, tengok petak kuning henti, tau?!!

我們就一直糾旋在黃格這話題上，他不心息地一直說我錯，我錯，我錯!!

我就一直道歉，道歉，道歉..雖然我不認為我錯，他真的很煩想鬧事般

我不想捲入糾紛只好低聲下氣一直道歉

他就一直情緒高昂地叫喧，還拍打我的車門及車鏡

後邊的車一直猛響車鳴，我是多麼的煩躁及無助

而這時剛剛我經過時遇見的一輛警察摩多走過

那馬來仔就對警察喊: hoi, tengok ada polis!!POLIS!!!dia langgar saya oh!!

就這一句他就跑掉了...還不是做賊心虛

很懷疑他是不是嗑藥嗑傻了

而他的最後一句真的很好笑咯,特別那語氣我還記得

我要撞他?跟你有仇咩?LOL

而那位警察根本不理會他，他喊了那句也快快跑掉了

莫名其妙的

但在回家路上我還是委屈地哭了

要我低聲下氣為一件我沒錯的事道歉..什麽道理?

但我也明白這不是生事的時候

我若跟他爭執起來後果不堪設想

路霸的情景出現我腦海裡

我不是怕，他也只有一個人

誰怕你啊?

若真的打架我很樂意奉陪

其實當時我不止煩躁也很生氣很委屈

真的爆發起來我相信我有對付他的本事

隨手拿起我的stering鐵鎖 我可以狠狠地跟他打起來

前提是：若事情真的不受控制，而他開始動手的話

不過既然能平息那就別生事了

我可不想要跑警局那麼麻煩

哼，別看我是女生就好欺負

我也懂law的好不好,打架對付你一個也沒問題

哪裡有人直路又沒有紅路燈情況下在黃格特地停下來讓你過呢(有時會那麼做啦)

白癡嗎?那馬路不就很阻塞

你自己過馬路前又又沒有看看對面是否有車才過呢?從羅厘尾后沖出來也算你勇

而且那裡是雙線，那路口也只是one way 而已，這都是我過後才發覺的

難怪他看到警察來就喊了那可笑的一句嚇唬我就跑開了

笑死我!!!

在事情前面，我可以很硬朗很狠捍衛自己

但畢竟人還是脆弱的

事情過後那委屈那不甘心那生氣

或許有那麼一點一絲一毫的懼怕我才會落淚

但這不代表我會妥協

be strong!!別再輕易落淚了

要受得起委屈啊，才能在社會立足

工作上也如此，委屈是進步的推動力

我才發覺之前工作時的我是那麼的不成熟與不堪委屈

強大吧!!請賜予我強大的力量!!
很多事，其实还是要依靠自己别指意他人的帮忙

這就是我假期生活的一角

時隔那麼久我也還能清楚記得

真佩服自己的記憶與那執著

開學愉快

假期·工

短暫的假期我依舊找了份兼職
是老闆在我考試期間就撥電叫我回去幫忙

想了想，也好
至少可以賺多些錢也好打發我空閒的時間
考完試在火車往回家的路上
老闆再次撥電提醒我第二天早上去上班
被這樣奪命電話催促好壓力噢

結果考完試第二天我就上班去了
考試期間我就已經沒什麼睡眠時間了
結果沒得好好休息就去上班了

那是一件市場調查公司
位於LDP大道接近KDU那一帶
屬於住家型辦公室氣氛蠻不錯的
我只需坐在那兒撥電話給新加坡的牙醫
做一個簡短的調查及收集意見

還真是第一次接觸這樣的工作
剛開始真的有些害怕
因為新加坡人都說英文嘛
而我則因為緊張而說的不那麼順暢
沒什麼就當做是學習的機會囖

還怕老闆會嫌棄我的爛英語
結果她卻說我英文不錯
咬字很准也能說得蠻快
得以遷就牙醫繁忙及寶貴的時間
哈哈，聽了以後有些飄飄然的感覺 :P

第三天工作就得接待來做調查的民眾
一個小組有十個人而我就像侍應生般為他們點名
然後準備飲料從而測量他們的泡茶習慣
洗杯啊、洗碗啊、煲水啊這些功夫
我還得樓上樓下跑為前輩們準備訪問的用具
結果忙到了晚上九點多才回家
幸好是爸爸來接我
我的腳都快斷了
那千金的纖手也不知被熱水燙了多少回

其實這工作我不止貪圖薪金高
我也想從中學習及吸取經驗
這真的是一個很好的學習機會
面對客戶、新加坡的同事、訪問牙醫
我真的學到了很多老闆娘也很提拔我
下個星期我還得跟著新加坡同事往五星級酒店訪問大廚
隨行的我就像個秘書般把廚師所說的記錄下啦
還得做些文書工作打些報告及幫忙翻譯文章

雖然有些害怕我勝任不了
但老闆既信任我也指示我去做
好吧就放膽去做把那當做學習
很慶倖擁有這樣的機會

忙碌了整個禮拜我終於可以小歇片刻
我今天終於可以呆在家裡睡個足夠
日子很充實但心底總有一股空虛
有時甚至覺得是悲哀

昨夜夢裡我夢見了你
那是一個久違的你
讀書時期的髮型
你那認真的模樣
看見我那不好意思的表情
我全都在夢裡重溫

醒來時躺在床上我想了很多
只覺得社會很不公平
發覺自己的包袱很重、很重
你那模樣再次浮現我腦海
多麼希望你就是我的他
我有好多好多想跟你傾訴


一個人駕車上班
一個人吃午餐
一個人逛街
一個人回家

其實我早已習慣
只是我依舊希望能回到過去般
至少我們還聯繫的那些年
我會過得比較實在

但那只是''我希望''
而我所望的從不可能實現
發覺自己是超級的固執
都多少年了
時間證明了一切
我依舊執著

我把你當做了我要實踐的一個目標
爲了這個目標
我一定得向前走
無論多苦多艱難
你就是我的推動力
無論我對你而言有什麽價值
我依舊堅持

失敗了
放棄了
絕望了
只要想起你
我就會充滿動力
把一切搞好

我真的明白現實意味著什麽
只是不願從我的世界里醒來
因為我害怕一旦決定放手
我就會失去了目標
從此一蹶不起

我們就像兩條平行線永遠不會有交集的一天
但我會一直往前走往前走與你平行
也許會有那麼一天
就讓我朝著我的目標前進吧

祝願一切平安順利
你也安好無恙
假期快結束了
振作!!!

Hatred

There's few more days to go and here ends my current semester
same studying attitude just like last few semesters
and what I really put effort on is just small part of it

yet I am appreciate that my coursework mark not as low as previous
I can see great improvement on myself after I leave the so called good friends
still I am not hardworking enough to catch up compare with certain person
but at least I know I am better than those old fella that I used to live with

I watch movie
chasing drama
online chit-chatting
update my post
and the most important I do everyday
is trying to fix and adjust my mood

I was so happy that with the almost same study attitude like past semester
my midterm scores better than before
and same to my assignment

the moment I get my results and thanks goodness
I am really touching till I wanted to cry
although it is not some excellent achievements
but it is still better than previously my almost failed coursework mark
at least I saw my improvement ever since I left the group

no more hanging out
no more putting them as priority
no more pleasing and worrying that I might be get hated by them

counselor is right
from the emotional injury I suffered with
I have change all those sadness,anger,injustice and pissed off feeling
into a revenge mode where I was trying to work so hard to prove myself

I wanted to prove that I could live better without others
I wanted to work better than those people
exceeding what they have achieved

I forgave you again and again for the injury you caused
and like an idiot I bear all the pain all by myself
but with my uncontrolled emotion exploded last time
I never been forgiven and even being deeply hurt for one last time
the moment those words comes out from your mouth
I cant deny that I am blinded for keep forgiving and forgiving
again and again those things that I tolerated with full heart
I cant forgive you after all those poisonous words
because even me myself get pissed off I will never reveal those feeling hurted words!!!


I can be good to you when you're really worth to it
I can be bad too when  I feel that everything I did for so long is unworthy

worthiness plays an important role in my living concept
I am full with sympathy and I am helpful too
even a small happening around will touched my heart and made my cry
as long as you worth it and I am willing  to do anything
even me myself go broke I will still give the best I am afford to give
but come to certain level out of my bottom line where I get hurt and pissed-off

I can be extra cold blooded to those who hurts me

however it hurts me too whenever the revenge action take place
I acted cool just like what they treat me before by ignoring their existence
I pretend that they never exist even they just passing by around
I tried to avoid being same class with them and joining into my assignment group
to let them know without them I still can mix up well with others members

I tried so hard to revenge
I tried so hard to be better
I tried to put them aside from my mind
but everytime seeing them small talk and joke together
my heart hurts

nothing I could do to be better more
as everytime I tried to be better
it reminds me  the reason why I do so
and all those old happening just keep spreading over and over deep in my mind
I wanted to prove I am alright and I will be better
but in fact I am the  pathetic loser!!!!

I am all alone
and I am always the one that being left behind
its okay and really not a big deal

here I lived my life
everything goes fine
just that you're my only reason to have a hell life
that keep torturing me all the time

half year gone
and every silence night I was like being stabbed by thousands knife deep  in to my heart
reminding me that how blind am I to have those XXXX

how am I going to get rid off those nightmare and cheer up my life again
by putting down all those so called revenge actions?
I cant..

I wanted to let them know even you dont pays for what you did now
I will made you get paid in the very end
and believe me
I can do something more horrible,those illegally things
but for my own sake I controlled and I wouldn't
it's not worth for me to have a black spot in my life just because of you

am glad that exam will end days later
and I will pick up my super great mood with my true real friend
without have to be like a double faced person
a sad life pleasing others to gain for own advantages

don't you dare to deny it
because for almost every single person in this world
there must be some reason
people are using others or being used
and I am really sick of this act!!

perhaps I am hypocratic in some manners too
but swear to God I treated them with my full heart
try to give them the best I afford
without thinking about myself at all

it's sad to grow up
seeing this pathetic reality world
I really missed my childhood time as there's nothing much to be worried of

God bless me please in my exam
and forgive m3 for my hatred feeling expression
only God will know who you're in real
so stop judging me in your poisonous words
and make sure your hands are clean before you judge

in peace,
here ends my hearty talk

phobia

Exam phobia recently
especially a day before exam..
my heart beats fast
unknown fear deep inside my heart

finish my first paper..
first sight look at the question I think its easy
then when I proceed
GOSH!!it spent my lots of time to complete the single income statement
end up in behind I dont have enough time to continue
roughly state out last few answer..
due to limited time I started to panic and it's a mess I did

dont have the confidence that I could pass this paper..
I just at the side line and any single mistake that cause mark lost will kill me
I am done with you, stupid accounting stuff!!
why I cant just be like those pro can balance up perfectly,nicely?!!!

relief after I pass up the paper..
finally it ended..
but when think of the possibility I will have to repeat the subject again..
really feel like my brain want explode and gonna vomit
hated accounting subject all the time!!

heading for my second paper tomorrow
felt that its quite easy too
but dont know why,I am just in stress mood..
dont even feel like want to have my last revision on that

fears...
afraid..
timid..
all keep playing in my mind now

when think of my future,my brain turn blank..
and super uncomfortable
it is just like a ghost haunted me non-stop
when the paper ended, its the most joyful and relief moment of mine
however, the time I start to do my next revision that awful feeling come back again..

sometimes I just live happily by auto rejecting those negative things outside my mind
but when come to some times that I have to face it, I am helpless!!
life should be wonderful but not keep haunted by those god damn things!!

gonna heart attack soon..!!
I beg you my dear heart, stop beating fast like being chased a monster behind..
its just an exam and nothing much to be afraid of..
where is the steady you?!!
where is the cool calm you?!!

totally sick when it come to exam weeks..
disspointed that I spent that much time
and in fact I can understand and do the exercise alone
why should I doomed in my paper just now?
I have to do better next time!!

exam

exam marks released recent days..
and my hard work pays in the end
quite satisfied with my marks especially the BOTM paper
counted as second high coursework mark I ever get in my past studies

and today the result for Econometric midterm came out..
I am glad that sir pay high expectation on me and he remembered me as well
get an extra 5 marks from mistakes he overseen..
average marks I got finally achieved
although not so high ,but at least I knew where's the problem after discussion

now only realized that I've wasted all my past time in doing nonsense things..
what for I cared so much for others and follow what others do just to please them?
I have my own life and every single thing I did today I bear my own responsibility
lived my very own life and don't have to regret when things gone wrong
its just all about my path and my choices
no one to blame and no excuses

I am glad that I'm outta the nonsense life
times wasted but as he told me: I am still young
there's still time and it just depends on how I get used of it start from this moment


''At least you try,and you sure will get the payoff ''
I tried to live my best
things and people are against me
but so what?

time will prove everything
cynically ,to those that leave me behind and who disappoint me
I am strong and tough enough to live my very own life

learnt a life's lesson
never counted and cares so much on others
especially those that doesn't deserved for your thoughtful caring
the one that you should trust most in your life is you yourself but no others

keep all your sympathy and kind hearted in order to survive
be the mentally strongest and toughest even when you feel like wanted to give up
cause after the great great despaired once in your life,you grow!!
2 more weeks to the final exam,wish me luck
study harder please!!
good luck

dreamt

coming nearer to the final exam period..

other than studies, I am planning forward for my dreams too

keep on searching information on self-budgeting trip to Europe..

the results dissapointed me for a little while ..

expensive flight plus accomodation and local transport

my dream wouldn't be completed in this short while

times required

need to save and try earn more money start from now

there's too many for me to spent in order to complete my dream

am I too greedy to start my first self-budget trip in Europe?

I just love the scene and historical cultural view in those countries

imagine you yourself walking alone in those beautiful cities 

and with a camera to capture the view and lifestyle there

independently

enjoying the alone trip

having the possibility to get lost in a totally strange city

that's the life I fancy most..

everything have to count on my own

the path that I am going through all  this moment

just hoping to gain new experiences in a new city

study harder please...

just put aside the far unachieveable dream..

stop thinking too far as I might get more dissapointment later on

EXAM~~

good luck to myself 

夢。想

每個人心底都有個夢想
不管是能實現的或不能實現

從小我們就憧憬著將來如何如何
【我的志願】裡頭那些可笑的願望代表著我們的童貞
度過了那無知的歲月我們依舊追逐著夢想
情愫初開的念頭盼望等到那白馬王子/公主
兜兜尋尋間日子就過了
開心過玩樂過人們也就散了


可是我們依舊不死心
年長了些見過了些世面人們也更加貪心了
每個人都會有一輛夢寐以求的車子
夢想中那設計一流的溫暖房子
跑車、房子、名牌全成了優質生活的標誌
不是人們重名利那只是生活所逼
這年頭里什麽都是提錢的


我也很貪心
我希望能有一筆無盡的錢
然後背起旅包環遊世界去
我要架起一架相機把周圍的點滴記錄下來回味
饑荒、戰亂、荒野的野生動物以及各國不同的風俗
一張照片能代表的有很多很多也更勝於文字
只在於那攝影師有否技巧及欣賞者的鑒賞
所以我得去學攝影學畫畫學語言
面對饑荒我得有神父那份使命為難民祈禱——我得上神學
或更有意義的是我能用那無盡的金錢施捨幫助難民
我更夢想能成為一名戰地記者揭露戰場的血腥也可悲喚醒人們的憐憫及感恩
爲了能把動物的一舉一動、它們的生態拍下——我覺得若我熟于生物學那該多好
我還夢想能繼續修音樂除了鋼琴我想再精通于吉他、小提琴

夢想很多很多但卻只純碎是夢想
夢裡想想就好
沒有錢的話請別談夢想
更何況我也沒那麼有天份去完成那成堆的夢想

礙於生活
礙於金錢
礙於很多的顧慮

其實我明白那些是無稽之談
想想也就罷了

看著身旁的人結婚生子
我也有幾個簡單的夢想
忽然也有股想安定下來的日子
不一定讀多多書攀上高職位才是夢想
看著那些年紀輕輕但卻有了家庭孩子的
生活是苦了些但至少他們是幸福的

懂我的知己
愛我的他
完整的家庭
再加上一隻聽話的狗狗那就够了

沒有跑車沒關係，普通轎車就好
房子嘛不愁，能住就好
名牌、消遣、裝飾那也只是奢侈的沒有也罷

幸福，就是我最簡單的夢想

be tough

first week of April and sooner will be my holiday in one month time
I can feel the time passes around
day by day and week by week
one semester ends and there start another new chapter of study

tried hard in getting things done
and I started to enjoy the busy life
at least there are things to do
and I put effort in doing things
seeing things completed under my own efforts, it cheers~~

yet sometimes lot of thoughts keep playing in my mind
especially when I let myself blank for a moment
I enjoy the process of getting blanked mind
its comfortable and I gained from what I thought of

have been pretending to be fine for so long
and now only I realize that no matter how fine you convince yourself to be
life ain't  fine at all of course
and it is just a self-convincement to make yourself live better

I am timid especially walking home alone in night and I told myself not to be scared

I am scared to stay in a noisy crowded place and I dont know what role should I play in there

I am afraid of the dark quiet space even a  little weird sound will get me feel unsafe for whole night

hence I tried to act emotionless whenever I face my fear
I wont scream although I wanted to
I wont yell loud yet I wish so much that I could
nothing you can discover from my face
only me myself can feel the fastened heart beat and unreasonable fears

I don't want to show that I am fear or that I am timid
I don't want my unsecured side to be seen by others
l find things that I am familiar with and stick with it
this made me feels secured

I am not that tough as I thought I could be
but I am trying hard to do so
daily challenges get me improved
and as ages goes on you improved too from what you last gained

looking forward for a day that I am a 100% tough guy
that I wont be easily affected by things and people around
face the fear and you are toughest one as you still survive for your remaining life

BE TOUGH!!
and all those worse thing will get lost soon :))

倦

活了短短22年竟開始倦了
也沒什么生活不過如此
玩樂過、歡笑過 日子還是得過

是那包袱那責任在作祟
挑上了沉重的擔子
還能盡情放肆嗎

做了生活的奴隸
屈身于那繁碎的枷鎖
年復一年日復一日
何時何日才得以解脫

有時真的覺得麻木了
人來人往的街道
人頭撰動的車站
繁快的城市步伐
一旦涉身也就無得脫之

好想拋下這一切
背起旅包架上相機流浪看世界
浪子的世界不錯
無牽掛無負擔
就這樣遠離世俗飄蕩去

我不願被束縛
我不甘心于平凡

這世界何其大
怎麼我就被局限於這小小的城市
怎麼我就過著與多數人無異的生活

爲了追求夢想
人們極力工作賺錢
成為了金錢奴隸
卻也漸漸失去了夢想
獻身于名與利的世界里

一生就此矣

禽獸

終於，四月來了
差不多一個月的時間又是假期啦
很努力很勤奮很有動力地活了個幾天
就那麼幾天我竟完成了不少耽誤許久的事

四月一日——愚人節
曾相信了一個玩笑長達半年
到重複翻閱信息那刻才發覺還有下文
是的，我相信了還傻乎乎的祝福對方心底卻暗自鬱悶難過

沒什麼
只是緬懷片刻那記憶

最近又犯老毛病了
就是愛有事沒事都回想過去
很多的過去我不後悔卻也免不了感歎
其實還是放不下啊

這兩天愛心氾濫
竟憐憫起那流浪狗兒來了
先是兩隻被人遺棄對面草叢的小狗
每晚淒厲的翱叫聲煞是可憐

而今早出門遇見一隻哺乳期間的母狗
前天跟隨我腳車后的黑白相間漲奶狗兒
我還三番四次地摸了摸她頭呢
原打算購包雞飯喂飽她肚子可檔口還未準備好
便跑到印度檔買了包白飯加了兩塊雞肉及一塊不懂什麽內臟
就這樣七塊半夠我兩餐的零錢沒了

她跟了我從家裡到檔口再回到家
開了飯盒準備餵食她不料一隻小狗自對面跑來
那母狗低聲地咆哮了幾聲可那勇敢的小狗啊
鬥氣洶洶地硬湊過來爭食母狗咬了塊肉到一旁去

那小狗啊可真兇的是
我見那母狗被逼到一旁就打算抱走小狗
可那小東西卻不識好歹咆哮做狀咬我
那一刻真的被他嚇著了
沒想到這小東西竟如此凶惡

硬收起了飯盒
拿到母狗面前她卻跟我挑食起來
只吃了另外幾塊肉類白飯卻不曾入口
小狗慢慢挨近那母狗咆哮了幾聲竟追起小狗一段距離想咬他
而蹲在一旁的我又再次被嚇到深怕來個禍及魚池

那母狗見沒了肉類邊湊到我身旁舔了舔我
愛憐地拍拍她的頭說沒了沒了她也就轉了幾個圈走了
剩下那小狗見此跑到我腳下兜圈子追逐跳躍玩樂
吃了些飯還捨不得走呢
這時的他沒對我咆哮
可見他那有仍些凶惡的模樣還真驚險啊

剛剛在面子書看了個短片
鬥牛犬咬死了訓狗師
那片段可真血腥殘忍
開頭不久我就不忍再繼續

一直以來都鍾情于大型狗
如那聖伯納犬、狼犬、勒威樂、西伯利亞犬等
但短片后卻發覺原來小型犬也有好處
那就是不怕被它咬死..呵呵


心想，那狗可狠啊
拍片的人也真窩囊不會搬救兵去
這短片也給了我一些啟示
禽獸始終是禽獸
就算你是它主人又如何?
也許我也該收起那對動物的熱誠
免得有一天我落得如此下場

當我伸出手摸母狗的頭當兒，我沒想過它要是還口我該如何
當我蹲在吃飯的陌生狗狗一旁那刻，我沒想過它要是失控發狂我該如何
就連我自己親手養大的狗狗我厲聲責備它動手打它它也曾試過發惡
心底雖有些害怕只不過我要變得比它凶惡即可

其實也不是沒想過
以往餵食陌生狗兒時也曾害怕
但那麼多次它們也不怎樣而對我只是搖頭晃腦的
是我幸運還是什麽
我也不知

也許跟人類一樣，每隻狗都有不同的性格
看那忠犬八哥時那感人的情景畫面
報導狗兒忠守主人墳墓不吃不喝
狗兒還是有靈性的但數量不多吧
只因為我們平常接觸的狗兒都是師資低的
沒那麼靈:P

爸爸老是那句，禽獸離不開他兇殘本性
沒發生只是時日未到而已

我妄想擁有一隻如那感人故事裡的狗兒
奢望它能明白我言語聽與我忠於我
但想想就够了
現實是多麼殘酷

Regret?

I'm the one that always regret with whatsoever I've decided previously
its a bad habit of mine although I knew that regret doesn't help and change anything..

met with an old friend and he taught me alot
nice talk with him and I've gain something in return
found that he is quite matured in thinking things and facing things around
applause to his positively living style and I really  should learn from him

I need to grow up more..
the recent me is not matured enough to handle things
the thoughts and the acts of mine indicate that I still have space for improvement
and people really should learnt from mistake but not keep thinking of the past mistake did..

it is suffering to keep living in the past and
the time you think back you wouldn't have afford to handle the pain and the sad
the regretness of your pass will screw your recent life and ruin it..


I regret cause I did so many stupid things
I regret cause I waited someone that is impossible
I regret cause I let my parents down and I failed them
I regret cause I've wasted my time again and again in doing unworthy things
I regret cause I let people taking advantages on me and I still treat them with all my heart
I regret cause I am not perfect and I always have to learnt from pain and mistake only I take it serious..


yeah, I regret and feel sorry on so many happenings
but there are nothing else I can do now to cover back my regretness
and it kills me for everytime I recall back of what I've done and why I did these

I've been living in the past for so long
and its time to leave it behind and go ahead
I know its hard but I have to try
at least give it a try and look for the difference

I  wanted so much to get rid off the old me
but everytime there are things and I never succeed
I block myself with the past and there lost my motivation to go on..

I really know that and I have to practice more
reality is cruel and it eliminates those that couldn't adapt to it
be a tough person and face the daily challenges as a practice to perfection

I might not be perfect
but at least I get my own conscience
and I've tried my best and there's no any regret anymore start from now!!!

gambateh to my assignment and the coming final exam..
take out some courage and face it!!!=)


Wednesday 28/03/2012
1218am

E.N.D

It has become a habit of mine to look for your daily update
everyday sitting infront the screen and just few clicks

I can see your happiness
I can see how you enjoy your life
your friends
your siblings

I am glad that you are happy
I am glad that you mix well with friends and workers around
I am glad that you have brother and sister that loves you and cares about you

looking at those funny picture of you
there are faces that I've never discovered before
your laughing face
your childish acting faces
your families picture

It's you
the one that love to smile and bring joy to people around
It's you
the one that always wearing orange colour shirt whenever you taking the pictures
a colour that indicates your outgoing and confident personality

there are thousands voices in my heart telling me that I should find ways to approach you again
but just now the moment I click into your profile
for a second I just thought of that I shouldn't interupt your peaceful and loving life again
everything seems perfect and you're enjoying your life
yet without me..

I should realized decades ago that I'm nothing to you
a fact that I never wanted to admit ever since
I keep hoping as you're the one who gives me hopes for times
but your reaction nowadays is giving me a proper sign
a sign that there are nothing else I can do to get to your attention

I'm not willing to interrupt you once again when think of your perfect life
I'm not willing to make your life imperfect with my continuous interruption

just wish the best for you seeing you living happily and healthy
its time for an end for my suffering as for yours
from now on I promise you that you will never hear even a word from me
and I am not going to catch your attention anymore

Its the end..
although I never want it to be
but at the time I started to miss you
please allow me  to have few clicks and view your happiness shown in your friend's profile
then its enough for me and i beat you'll never know that I still can find ways to access to your profile although you've deleted me and put your status all in private

As for you,I'm never exist..
ignore me as usual..

Friday 23/03/2012
0909pm

命

終於看完了【那些年】這部電影
看似很多的的好評，看過后卻覺得不怎麼
典型的台灣青春偶像劇，依舊那麼的沒內容
純粹個人意見并無惡意
還是鍾情于香港戲劇
成熟多了

青春，那曾經的青春
轉眼就過去了
沒什麼特別
就也只有幾件事值得我去懷念

可悲的我
可悲的青春

也許我真的錯過了什麽
但每個人要走的道路卻不可能一樣
我嚮往那樣的青春也是他人嚮往的青春
我不跟風，所以我的青春就這樣過了

雖然不怎麼精彩
但至少那是我的青春
也有著令我難忘的瞬間

很快地，三月就快過去了
末考也快來臨了

從未發覺過原來時間是可以如此的不留人
仿佛一眨眼一個星期就結束了
在變老的當兒才發覺自己經歷了這些年頭

總有股衝動想回到從前挽回些什麽
但卻明白過去的一切已成定局
縱然想改變些什麽卻也是不可能的

每個人心底定會有個夢想
一個不可能實現的夢想
因為我們都得向現實低頭

爲了討生活
爲了將來的日子
我們不得放棄心底的那片夢幻天堂

殘酷的現實逼使人們放下心頭的夢
我也曾幻想有那麼一天我可以過著我要過的生活
但卻明白那是多麼的不可能
生命里總有太多的顧慮太多的責任
阻止我們任意妄為

別告訴我只要肯努力所有的夢都會實現
那是不可能的
因為人們總是貪心的
我們總會要得到更多
那，就是我們嚮往的夢想

雖說要有付出才會有回報
但我更加相信
有時候我們還是得靠運氣的
要做到天時地利人和其實不容易

感恩上帝一路的眷顧
感覺自己很幸運能平安度過這些年頭
當發現身旁發生不幸的事時，我感謝老天爺并沒有讓我一併受難
但有時卻會奢望老天爺能否給予我更多的眷顧
我貪心我也會想得到更多

有些人努力了一生卻什麽也沒有
這就是命運弄人

Thursday 22/03/2012
0929pm

Me

cried for the last whole night
and today is the latest hour I ever woke up in this semester——1015am
I am not that kind of person that woke up late and mostly will automatically wake up before 8am no matter how late I slept

brushing my teeth and looking into the mirror
I saw a pair of red swelling eyes
prepare myself and go for an extra class although I'm free day on Monday

it has became a habit for me to sit infront the computer
listening to music
reading the words from others
and even doing nothing but keep staring on the screen
I love and enjoy the feeling of sitting infront the screen and let go everything

just leave blank my mind and keep staring
its comfortable..
certain songs and certain words will cause my tears to drop
its just me

trying to live a better life
but yet still not determined enough for a greater improvement

I'm really tired
and I've done whatever I am able to
hoping to see a difference on me in this  coming future
cause I don't wanna to be labelled as a loser
ever...

Monday 19/03/2012
0357pm

悟

周末两天的时间
追完了On Call 36
一部不错的电影也带给了人们不少启发

生老病死确实是生命里的一部分
是每个人必经的过程
打从我们呱呱落地那一刻
父母牵着我们的手学走路
花了多少心思培养、教育成才
一路走来到我们羽翼丰满了可以独当一面时
父母却瞬间苍老了退化了

我多想牵起父母的双手
告诉他们我真的长大了也谢谢他们的栽培
我偷偷地在心底盘算着毕业后
趁着毕业典礼我会带他们往北上走走看风景找东西吃
我盘算着出来社会做工后每个周末我可以带着他们去吃早茶
偶尔驾车载着他们去不同的地方旅行见识

我多想多想
但有时却真的也不敢去想那么多

我会害怕
害怕我所盘算的实现不了
爸爸63岁了而妈妈也57岁了
而我这唯一的女儿却只有那22岁
我真的好怕一年内的变化不在我掌控内

记得初中有一年妈妈去了外国
留下我寄宿在阿姨家
某天吃着午饭当儿阿姨接了一通电话
是姑姑打来说爸爸工作时出车祸了
那时的我愣了一下没给予什么反应
事后静静地我问了阿姨一句：爸爸会死吗?
一句我每次想起就会深深刺痛我心的话

我可以很冷静
但心底却会想很多
强忍住泪水摆出坚强的表情
别以为我不在乎不害怕我只是不懂该给予怎样的回应

从来就只有我一人
还有爸爸妈妈
除了他们我还能依靠谁
就算我多么担心害怕彷徨也只能平静着一张脸
又有谁人明瞭那掩埋在心底的不知所措及澎湃的情绪

我真的害怕有一天当我的家里只剩下我一人那刻
我会有着怎样的感受
我不敢想象爸妈卧病在床的时刻我的负担
我不敢想象他们过世时走在灵车后的我会是怎样的心情
他们离开后那空旷的房子就只剩下我无依无靠了

大学这些年我更加的独立了
所以当他们说我依赖时我只会对那人更加反感
没有人有资格说我不独立老是依赖别人
我只是更擅于一个人独自承受一切
人群里当然会显示出我软弱的一面
我享受与被人们拥戴爱护关心
因为我是独女我也想试试被姐姐爱护的感觉是如何
然而这一切却在短暂的2年后却结束了
没关系我搬出去自己一个人住真的没关系
因为我真的不善于戴起面具做人那感觉好累

一个人可以很好
偌大的房子里只有我与另一人

我害怕有些阴森的房子
我害怕夜里暗暗的客厅
我害怕那偶尔无故的杂音
我害怕夜里放学归家那迎接我的黑暗空间
掏出钥匙打开门那刻我总得装着坚强走进屋里
关上了门快步走到楼梯处打开那楼梯灯
再走上楼掏出钥匙打开房门等房间灯亮了再转身关上楼梯灯才回房

每一天我面对着我的恐惧
从来上课我就会跟他们选后排的位置
而现在的我却胆敢一个人坐在课堂最前座听课
我害怕交际却也硬起了头皮找寻我的课业伙伴一起完成报告
我有问题不明白也会到讲师的房间里问个明白
我不独立吗我有依赖谁人吗
就算跟他们在一起我也很少会麻烦他们有什么也会自己解决

我真的很享受自己一人的大学生活
是的，我失去了伙伴
但跟他们在一起我也只是一味吃喝玩乐
在一起讨论的也只是他人的坏话八卦吹水
是的，我的确曾经向往那样的生活
旅行逛街看戏甚至泡嘛嘛档至半夜或天亮
因为一路来家里管教严厉那都是我从不曾尝试过的
但那是我真正要的生活吗?
就这样我浪费了2年的时间

一个人很好
我不需要再包办我们的报告
我不需要再委屈自己打扫整间房子因为他人根本不在乎
我也不需要在一味讨好他人深怕说错话得罪人还得看脸色

我知道她英文不好所以很主动会帮助她做报告
我知道她每个周末回家要下车开门退车进来很麻烦所以早早就打开门迎接她
我知道很多我也在默默地做了很多
结果到头来我只是一个傻子

从来我只会以心去做事
而不会像他人般甜言蜜语
别说你了解我因为你根本不会懂

我从来就学会很坚强
偶尔忍受不了时也会崩溃
但你绝不能说我依赖
因为我可以一个人去逛街吃饭
我可以一个人坐在广大无人的戏院里看着惊栗片
我可以在没人的陪伴下静静度过一天而无需像你般找人消磨度过
我也可以在没人肯啃下那些责任时挺身扛下那麻烦

你不能
所以你没资格说我依赖!!

一段时间了我依旧在意
是因为我付出了真心我也在乎
现在的我们擦肩而过而视而不见
说真的我很难过但却也不会在妥协了
看着坐在我前面的你们我们却如此遥远
你们的欢笑大闹深深触痛我心弦但我还是得坚强
因为我绝不会在你们面前被看扁被当做软弱

请别说独生女依赖
也许她会脆弱但绝对有独立的能力

坚强的面对接下来的日子吧
希望爸爸妈妈能平安健康
而我所盘算的将来得以实现

Sunday 18/03/2012
1057pm

憶

一通不出聲的來電

一封無名的信息

原來還會深深撥動我的心弦

我依然無法忘記差不多10年前

我送你禮物後的那天那忽然的來電

真的有驚喜到而從此沒有手機的我竟然用家裡電話和你玩起misscall來了

而利害的是我們都很有默契撥通電話響了幾下后就蓋下

而我總知道之前那通來電是你

就算沒有來電顯示我就知道是你

你也跟我一樣坐著同樣的傻事

從此我就開始了期待你的來電

我無法確定過後的些日子接過不出聲的來電會否是你

但電話這端的我總期望著如此

這習慣到如今我還是改不了

我真的知道那都已過去

人也總得向前望

但我卻放不下

我說服自己你不會就這樣不管

我說服自己你會想以往般向我身旁的人打聽、關注

我一廂情願地說服自己你就在一角默默地

駕車經過附近

走在熟悉的街道、商場

我總在想會否能再次遇見你

看著你被標記面書在某某用餐娛樂

我真的有股衝動出現在你會出現的地方

我會特意經過你家門前的路

我會特意經過你的店面

然後不經意地往內望了眼

希望能見到那曾經的你

告誡自己不能再這樣下

這些年我卻沒真正做到答應自己的事

我一把這一切當做我的寄託

當我傷心失望或無所事事時

我都會再次特意地經過

不管順路與否

就那麼一眼

就够了

我真的可以放眼將來

但卻永遠也放不下過去

固執也好

執著也好

都10年了

無論我答應自己些什麽

我都知道那只是一種宣洩

不久的將來我依舊在重蹈覆轍

很感謝你當初激起我心裡的漣漪

因為就算風平浪靜了那絲紋依舊存在

我就是犯賤!!

Sat 17/03/2012

1010pm

piece of thoughts

changed the style of my space
a simple and clean design..
I do loved the old one but that doesn't allow music autoplay

finally I found the song Kiss Me from The Fray..
its really a nice song with great background music cover..
and its comfortable to listen to

next week gonna go back to KL
and I cant wait for the day to come
after the Econometric exam I will leave
hope that the wont be any assignment discussion on that period

actually i bought the ticket to go back on 27th evening
because there is an dental appointment for me on the next day and come back again after that
but I still feel that the time I stay is just too short hence decide to change my train ticket date
it's nice to be at home and i wishes to stay longer..
April will be the final examination period and I think i wont be back till I finish my exam

time passes that fast and there will be the end for this semester not long from now on..
must do my revision start from now and I don't wanna to burn midnight oil on the exam week

hoping that myself can be more systematic in all aspect
found that sometimes my response is slow in bit and gotta catch up
I cant complete things or give opinion in a short time given or on the spot
the things that I did or the words that come out from me on the spot is like ungroup data

I really couldn't digest all those information
and you couldn't just ask me a question and expect me to answer it on the spot
yea,I cant answer but just a simple answer and I really couldn't explain further
I will go home and do some searching or revision the the question you've just asked
and next time when meet again I will re-explain again the Q you asked for last time
and what I really need is time for me to restructure all the things only I can present it
quite envy those people that can speak fluent and do things in super systematic ways
I wish I could be the same too,but just needed more time..

home sweet home
here I come on the next week and I will be on the train at this time heading back to KL
hoping that the Econometric exam wont be too tough :P

time will prove to them that I still can live without them..
keep my promise to myself that I will be fine and alright
and I must prove that I am stronger than what they expect
I wont lose and I don't want to be underestimate by others

time will prove and you will see then

Saturday 17/03/3012
0753pm

舊

聽著古老的歌曲

那時的童年老師要我們手牽手

一排人向左搖向右搖唱著離別的歌曲

特別是在三年級時我們幾位跳班生即將離開之際

實在佩服自己的記憶力

我甚至能記住還未上小學的事

就算是一件卑微的小事我也能有印象

記憶好並不是一件好事

他人的每個字每個表情每個動作

我都印在腦海裡揮之不散

當緬懷過去

才發覺那時的自己是那麼的小

到現在的我經歷了多少年多少時光

陳舊的曲子

我的童年一時間湧現心頭

那喧嘩那打鬧那追逐

那曲子猶如棒子般打疼了我的心

提醒著我度過的這些年頭挨過的日子

我記得三年級那年

牽著手唱著這些歌

我也會拭淚難過

年紀小小的我也懂得離別之痛

從來就是個早熟的人兒

我想的我憂慮的重來不是同齡人所會有的

發覺我重來未曾安定下來過

朋友的圈子換了又換沒固定的永久的

小時候搬家幼兒園念了3間

三年級跳班后就轉校了

5、6年級一班朋友

中學新的朋友中二分班後又換了

到中四分文理班又再次分離

中五畢業后認識中六的新朋友

舊的全各自往外發展上學院去了

到中六畢業也散了

偶爾保持聯繫的就只有幾位

怎麼我就沒有一群從小學一路陪伴我到如今的好友呢

人們總會有那麼一班童年玩伴我卻什麽也沒有

我的童年就是讀書、讀書還是讀書

可以說是沒有童年吧

爸媽早出晚歸我寄宿阿姨家到他們放工再接我

獨生女不被應許出門家人也沒帶我出門

我的日子裡就只有家人和幾位朋友

可悲

人群裡走過

開心過

玩樂過

最後還是散了

我好討厭離別

我好討厭變換

我要的是安定

有那麼困難嗎

我需要一個人、一些人

不會在我生命里消失的人

我不要人們就像過客般走進我的世界

最後卻也離開了剩我一個

那感覺很難受!!

反復聽著舊歌曲

特別是那首【祝你一路順風】

不僅小時候

就連現在聽著哼著也會落淚

生命里太多的離別

我真的承受不了

陳舊的曲子

泛黃的照片

就是我的童年

Friday 16/03/2012

0200am

awake

today was a tiring day,or maybe should say yesterday?

keep on yawning in the class and almost get my eye closed while waiting for the lecturer.

and he dare to tell me want to cancel the class...wth..I've wasted time waiting in school..

as usual, it a raining day..

I just like this weather but please rain only when I reached home ya..

can't control myself from finding things to eat...

just felt empty and eating can help to reduce my emptiness.

my dieting plan spoiled..!!

just don't know why,I still can sit infront computer and keep on scrolling

time passes so fast..and I've been countdowning the AM from 2 to 6.

recently just like to sing in the midnight..addicted..but have to control the volume..

I don't wanna be complained by neighbours.:p

those songs are my favorites..

I like the music

I miss the tempo

the rythem

the lyrics

I missed the time having long hairs..

I missed the time i behave like a girl..

I missed the me that never speak Fxxx rude words..

I've becoming worse and worsen.

everything is terrible..!!

where is the intelligent and hardworking me?

where is the girly behave me?

I used to have fun and smile but the time has gone..

things changes..

will everything be better?

the miracle that I hoped for never happened..

God never give things easily to people..

you've to pay your hard work

you've to contribute

only then things will come to you..

Never mind...

time that flew away can't be chased back..

look forward and work harder..

it's the right thing to do now..

and i hope i can keep my word..

Wednesday 14/03/2012

0630am

盼

光陰似箭又來到了三月

找了很多藉口跑回家

其實是很委屈

但算了

就覺得生活很空虛

淪落習慣了就改變不了

偶爾的衝勁是件好事

但誰能告訴我該怎麼保持嗎

徘徊在墮落邊緣

至少我還堅持在邊緣而沒墜落

好想有隻手把我引回正途

那有心無力的感覺很難受

真的想大聲呐喊

老天爺救救我啊

考試

複習

課業

你

我消化不了那麼多

很正面地面對

到最後的負面應對

我還真行吖

我不要光陰似箭

有什麽能比劍更快嗎

期待著結果過程就免了

我盼得頸都長的結果

好期待

peace

trying to get used to the emoness..

its not a big deal and I just need to release stress..

hopefully that's all..

struggle between positive and negative

it's not a big deal too..

life still go on

although I haven't decide which side to stand

its March..

and hurray..

thanks god I have been survive for first 2 month..

and headed for the third..

its exam time now

mid term is coming

and I haven't prepare anything yet..

should start my progress as planned but I failed to do so..

gotta catch up le weih..

I dont hope the history to happen again

keep think and think and think again..

thousand thoughts playing in mind

and I learned alot..

hopes it helps

trying to maintain my schedule

and it works

for just sometimes

I am just too lazy..god!!

must be determined enough to go through all this

and the road to success is just half way there

I am proud of myself that I did it..

no more expectation

no more miserable

and no more you in my life

finally i realize no matter how much I did

things wont change too..

and I should let go..

by the way,29th February is a special day

but it was damn so cold as the broke weather last for whole day long

it makes me in heavy mood and I really don't feel like doing anything

stay peace, my mind

everything is gonna be alright

=)

direction

few more days to go and there's March coming...

and the sky recently keep on raining

I do loves rainy days..

sort of sad and depressing feeling

time flew away fast

quarter year gonna passed

and I am still lost and finding my direction around

I've learned not to put too much expectation on things

although I love to do so..

wondering will there be a day

where I could just live without keep thinking what's going to happen the next moment?

imagination of mine is too wide that i would think and expect what i thought to happen

but things ain't all in my control and i hate the feeling when things i expected doesn't exist

I really should come back to reality and face it

I hates when I promised myself that I will change but it goes another way

I hates when I keep on brooking my own rules and live my life meaningless

I hates when find out that I am still the old me

and the expected me my expected plan do not go on

I hates

but nothing I can do

I am really tired of it and I am lack of motivation to go on

there's a sudden passion inside myself the moment I think of the pass

but it just maintain for several certain seconds and the passion gone

when I think of you, I was fully motivated

when I think about how I've been living, I was quite motivated to change it too

but those positive thinking just hold for few seconds

and it has already been replaced by the stronger sense of negative thinking

when I think of my persistence on you for few years endlessly

when I think of the betrayal the untrusted of others

when I think of the society ,the future

for the little moment I don't feel like wanna keep fighting

cause it doesn't make sense for me to fight for as they goes against me

how am I gonna live my life with all these thinking keep playing in my mind

and I keep struggling in between them?

I totally have no idea

but I've tried hard to maintain the missing passion

again and again..

hoping that there's one thing that could motivate me

and made me move forward

to work harder

and to live for a better life

forever

25/02/2012

在這裡的第六個星期...

很努力地去生活

但卻有著有心無力的無奈感

每一次告訴自己熬過今年就好了

一切就會不同了

我是多麼的希望

時間能過得再快一些

我不喜歡等待的感覺

我討厭等待的感覺

可是我每次都得等

等了多久

等了多少年

我依舊在等

很可笑

在我最低落的時候

陪我走過的不是你而是他

在我最難過而想放棄那一刻

他都會適時出現把新的希望帶給我

提醒著我其實還是有人會關心在乎的

家人的關心

他的在乎

都令我好感動

感動是因為我不懂得珍惜

感動是因為我辜負了他們對我的關愛

他們的期望

我一次次地沉淪

每次一蹶不起后都告訴自己同一番話

我絕不能軟弱給誰看

我絕不能成為敗者

我不能

我不要!!

但我真的好累

累的好想什麽都不理

什麽都不想

對於生活，有時真的覺得放棄會比較好

每天面對的挑戰、那些煩惱

像海浪滔滔不絕地迎面撲來

而自己就得緊緊捉著海灘旁的樹幹不放

才不會隨波漂流到汪洋中

也許等到有一天真的沒那個力氣捉住了

我就會鬆開那緊握的雙手

永遠消失在那驚濤駭浪之中

Waiting For the One Last Miracle

keep looking at the time..

its half day passed..

one day...

28hours..

two days until now..

I am still hoping for miracle..

people says love is blind...

and i admit it..

from the day I know you till now

how many stupid things I have done

how many times I acted like an idiot

and every time I put aside my pride just to please you

I am nothing at all in your eye

there are signs

and every time from your responses I knew

but I am willing to keep trying and trying

and I deserved for the disspointment after it

there's a wall in between us and it was just like an iron wall

but I keep on trying to break the wall and end up the one who get hurt is me

after the pain and time passes for a while

I will keep trying again without taking the last time as lessons

just don't know why I was so determined in this

and I just cant stop

you know what?

I am falling a sick where I see people around as you

a shadow of yours

a reflection of yours

in the year of 2002

I was 12 years old

and it was the first year I met you

there has been 10 years passed and now I am 22

things changes a lot and so do you

but I am still remaining the same..

should I say that this will be the last year I fall for you?

should I say that it is enough for me to keep becoming an idiot and trying to get your

attention?

should I? should I?

I don't have too many 10 years to go..

and I've wasted my first 10

this will be the last year..

the last limit I give to myself..

and I will keep waiting

just like the last time in F6

where the long go you contact me after dissapearing for 2 years

as I thought we will not have any connection again

it's a miracle for me

and I hope the God will bless me for one last time

so that it worth for what I did these ten years.

dissapointed

意料中的等待

今天整天沒課

坐在電腦前

望著面子書的notification

不斷地刷新頁面

忐忑了好久

他有收到嗎

他會回覆嗎

很多的想法不斷湧現腦海裡

雖說是預期中的結局

但難免還是會很失望

之前那股衝勁那樂觀全沒了

我只想像以往般偶爾跟你聯繫

哪怕只有一兩句也好我也很滿足了

我懷念我守候電腦、手機旁那等待

是等待，但至少是有回覆的等待

而不像現在般完全不知發生怎麼回事

靜悄悄的臥室

只有電腦與我

那手機已好久沒有誰人的消息了

我習慣寂寞

卻也害怕過分的寂寞

不奢求什麽只希望能恢復從前般

有個人可以聽我訴說也告訴我外頭發生什麽新鮮事

就那麼簡單

我懷念當初你約我得空出來喝茶

允許的話我會立刻從金寶遠奔回吉隆坡聚一聚

有好多話要告訴你

而不會像上次般尷尬無言

剛剛電話響了那人卻不是你

而是另一個他

有些失望

notification里也皆是不相關我不期待的人

原來抱著樂觀的心態是錯的

悲觀些我就不會有那衝勁去發信息給你

也不會有期望變失望

我掛念的一切

皆在吉隆坡我的家鄉

我的思鄉病越漸嚴重了

>.<

just one more try

I just knew that it was impossible

but yet I still want to have a try..

just a try and i was hoping for a reply

although I knew it was impossible

my heart beat fast the moment I press the send button

take a deep breathe and telling myself to be brave for the last one time

I will regret if never put some effort for trying

I will regret too after i tried as things may not go as i expected

the whole night i cant get into sleeping well

turning around on my bed and wishing for miracle

I believed in miracle

although it never happened on me

early in the morning i woke up and the crystal necklace i wore has broken

it's a sign indicating that things wont go smooth..

and I believed it too

half day passed and there's nothing

I am still finding excuse for that

that he haven't seen the message i sent

that he's too busy to on FB

I am the expert of finding excuses

for others

and for myself

this made me feels better

just a try once again

although I have already know the result

just a try

and nothing much

回家·

最近愛上了回家的感覺

無時無刻都回味著家裡的溫暖

媽媽說：

你老是想著要自己脫離管制自己生活，就放手讓你去外地念書咯

不離開怎麼會體會到到底還是家裡好這道理

原來真的很對

在外頭闖蕩了幾年經歷過挫敗過才懂得家裡的好

我竟然想家了

昨天爸媽送我到火車站

揮著手向他們道別

但火車開走後我竟然在座位上落淚

我親愛的爸媽

我的家鄉

我的一切

都很不捨

他的歌

他的臉

他的文字

他的一切

已成了我的安慰

當接近放棄邊緣那刻

這一切成了我的毅力來源

雖然我對他來說什麽都不是

但他卻是我重視的所有

算是自我安慰的方法吧

22歲

我第一次想家了

2012/02/14 情人節

今天，星期二

騎了腳車去學校上課

在學校打算乘巴士回家片刻發覺我的巴士走了

雨傘遺漏在房裡就只好冒著烈陽走路回家去

而中午我準備好了巴士票在房裡摸了片刻

悲慘的我一出門就眼巴巴看著巴士開走

沒辦法，撐起雨傘上學去咯

雖說有了雨傘但我還是熱的滿頭大汗

他媽的什麽鬼天氣吖!!

校裡很熱鬧

玫瑰花小飾品滿街都是

女生收到花很開心還邊討論著課後去哪慶祝

最後一堂課隔壁那兩小子

嘰裡呱啦了一整天還不時偷偷竊笑

就像兩個在講八卦的小男人

結果接二連三地把桌上的東西掉落

書本啦文具啦還要麻煩我替他撿起

忙碌了大半天終於挨到要下課了

講堂外的天卻不作美、烏雲密佈

還不時傳來刺耳的轟隆聲

步出課室后才發覺外頭刮起了大風

霹靂巴拉的雨點咻咻的風聲

我的腳踏車派不上用場啦只好留它在學校

雨很大

巴士也還未到時間開車

就到湖邊的飯廳解決我的晚餐

坐在面向湖的位置

望著湖面被風翩起了陣陣漣漪

被薄霧籠罩著的湖面真漂亮

聽著風

看著湖

吃著飯

真寫意

風勢轉小了

巴士依舊還未開動

捲起了褲腳今天就來個雨中漫步吧

但卻是撐起雨傘的那種漫步:D

緩緩走在雨中

路過的車輛不時激起路面上的水花

一個不小心就得吃屎了

因為地面上的牛糞與水融合，噁心

蠻享受這樣的生活

是有些沉悶但卻能從中取樂

也讓那顆心靜下沉思

請把不改放在腦里的那切放下吧

別再沉醉別再回憶了

聽著你的那些歌

時間竟過得如此得快

一天一天過

我做了些什麽

翻著你的照片

聽著你的歌

流著淚

原來你也會聽這些悲情的歌曲

是你經歷了什麼嗎?

我無權過問

請振作起來吧

我沒有太多時間可以再浪費了

什麽該做什麽不該難道就分不清楚麼

希望一切順利

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