heart talk

back to KL Wednesday just to take my laptop back to repair..
luckily it didn't cost me much and now the problem solved..thanks god..
previously I planned to stay till Friday only go back Kampar as Friday is a public holiday
but Thursday after I solved my laptop problem and went to KTM station to buy ticket back Kampar
was told that the server system down and they couldn't do anything or transaction..what the hell!!
met with this situation quite a few times and I really hate this..last few times since I am not urgently needed the ticket hence I can go back and purchase another day..but this time I got class on Saturday and I must make sure that I could get back before that..haihss..

The moment I knew the system down problem, I was in an extreme anxious mood..I still need to take my laptop back to SS2 office there to have a simple briefing about the part time project assigned to me..on the way there, there was heavy rain and severe jam all  the way there..almost met with accident,twice on the way..ishh..I am just not in the mood to drive as too many things keep playing in my mind...how should I get back?train system down..how about bus?but I have to wait for dad to fetch me to Puduraya and ask for ticket..and he rejected to do so giving reason there's heavy rain and traffic jammed in KL..lol..I am really afraid that I can't get any ticket back to Kampar..my fault!!should buy the ticket earlier,I really don't know this situation will happen..

In that critical moment, I think of a new friend that he told me before  he will back to Bidor on Friday..Hence I called and ask whether could take a ride too..first time talk through phone while I am driving and I almost crashed a car at the roundabout junction..I did saw the car's signal showing that he wanted to left turn but I failed to press the brek on time..just few inches the accident will come true and luckily nothing in the end..the Toyota Camry old driver starred at me for so long before he left..and I am really sorry about that!!really really sorry..I admit is my fault I talk with phone while driving..found that my car's brek having some problem as this two day when I drive, the brek seems a bit loosen and I need to press so hard to make my car stop..
time to ask my dad have a check on it as previously I can easily made my emergency stop, but not now..lol..Thursday was really a bad day for me~~

However the friend will go back on Thursday night..what can I do about that? nothing..I just can follow as I really need to go back..If wait till Friday then go ask again the KTM later no more available ticket then I will be dead..first time ever travel across state in the midnight..11pm only depart and I thought as usual will reach in about 2 hours time..but after passed the toll I was totally amazed by the traffic's situation..all red light along  the highway,means that thousands of cars jammed on the 4-line highway..never met with this situation before..and even I knew Friday is a public holiday but I thought in the midnight the road won't be this jam and will be smoother..plus it was a rainy midnight, the situation goes worst..

Am really sorry to my friend as he still need to travel quite a distance from Bidor to Kampar just to send me
back..I reached my room at around 3am+..actually I am quite sleepy while in the car, but I not dare to fall asleep..leaving him awake and drive alone while I have a nap is not my style...plus I think it is safer I stay awake,can help keep an eye on the traffic..did try to share some travel fees to him...really feel sorry to him..have to drive for such a long time, almost 5 hours and I knew he's tired and bored too..time,petrol,mentally exhausted and toll fees..hope my share is enough to cover back all these la..and wish him have a safe journey back after sending me..really worried that there might be something happened and I will feel guilty if that happens.

Feel creepy when I walked alone into my house..went upstairs straight into my room and all my housemate already in sleep..it was so quiet and I am really scared..some of them already went back hometown and my house was quite empty....haihss..I am still that timid..be braver please? don't think too much then you won't be scared..tiding my stuffs and I slept around 4am..and I woke up early in 8am..what the hell..I am just so tired and why can't I sleep more late leh?has become a habit of mine to wake up early..no matter how tired am I, just like previously I slept on 6am, I still will wake latest before 10am..not good for my health ah~~

And yesterday before going back Kampar, have a heart to heart talk with mommy... and amazingly she supports me..I told her all those thinking in my mind and the lies that I tell before..I thought she will get mad and blame me badly but she didn't..finally she understands me and willing to let me go chase my dream and freedom...I am really suprised!!thank you so much, my dear mom..and my dad also acted stranger than usual..he treat me so nice after he went back from work..I thought he will be mad as when I request him to take my bus ticket from phone, he scolded me badly..hahahaha...actually Thursday is quite a nice day yea :)

Today is mommy's birthday..and I am not in KL anymore to celebrate with her..if not, I will cook a meal to her and bought her a piece of cake..I know she dislike cake but just to show my appreciation mah..never really celebrate birthday among our family members..me,daddy and mommy..with both of  them already 60's, they are not so into celebration..so am I..but I really do hope that some one will celebrate my birthday together with me..this reminds  me of them, which I stayed together with in pass 2 years..now they had left me and I am alone...all alone in this small town..living my own life..I am happy that I found my path but at the same time I am sad too..is hurt!!deeply severely being hurt~~I still remember on Tuesday I went for my tutorial class and met with her..I never raise my head and have a look on her all the period in class..listening to her voice and her smile, it really hurts me..and I pretend to be active in class..I sit in front row and answering each question from tutor..I just want to let her know, without her I am so fine and excellent!!on surface I pretend that I don't care but deep inside my heart I still can't let go all those happenings..

Gosh..I live so well just to prove that I can live without them..am I wrong?sometimes I am confused and I don't know the answer too..I always mentioned that I wanted to live my own life, but now? I don't want to live under others any more..!!its my life and all I need to do is for myself,for my own advantages.not telling myself to be selfish, but at least put myself as priority before others...I am the one that so stupid that will put others as priority before thinking for myself..its bad!!bad for me!!I have to protect myself because no one will do..when you care, you get hurt..that's what I've learnt in the pass~

next week will be my week 3 study..and I must study well..
don't ever try to prove to others that you are good..
you don't need to prove anything..just do your best for yourself.. and its enough..

take care to myself..
and good luck